But the only thing I’ve ever found is silence.
He never gave me a real explanation. Never let me in. After that, he just stopped talking to me altogether. Despite my best attempts at moving past it.
And maybe that’s what hurts the most. Not that he rejected me, not even that he mistook me for someone else.
But that he ruined a friendship over it. He never apologized for the outburst or how it’d made me feel.
I hate how he looked at me like I was a mistake he couldn’t afford to face.
I was eighteen. He was twenty-four. I get it; the timing was awful.
But I’m twenty-seven now. And he’s still acting like my existence is a problem he can’t solve.
It’s not about the age gap anymore.
So, what the hell is it?
Chapter Eight
Walker
Ican’t do this right now. I have a million things on my mind. I’m about to interview a nanny. A complete stranger I’m supposed to trust to take care of my daughter. I know my words came out harsh and strong.
But I’m hanging on by a thread, trying to keep my feelings for Jessie buried down deep, where they belong. I can’t have her looking at me like that.
I close the door behind me and find her standing by the window in my family room, head down. She isn’t moving, like she’s caught in thought. Then I see a tear slip down her cheek, and I don’t think I’ve hated myself more than I do in this moment.
Eli seems happy enough, so I put her down in the swing and fasten her in. I walk to where Jessie is and stand right behind her. I’m close. Too close. But I’m not worried about anything but her.
“Jessie,” I whisper.
She straightens her back and wipes at her cheek.
“I’m sorry.”
She spins around, peering up at me. I see the cracks in the tough facade she has built over the years. She wasn’t always like this with me. Once upon a time, I was on the receiving end of her smiles and affection. It was always the highlight of my day.
Now, I’m the reason for her tears. Though I decided long ago we could never be together, it still kills me to know I’ve caused her pain.
“I’m fine,” she replies bitterly.
I sigh heavily, wishing I could reach out and touch her. Offer some kind of comfort. But I know if I do that, I’ll want more. And I know she isn’t fine. I know her.
“I didn’t mean to come off so … rude,” I admit, though I know I’m not saying the right things.
Nothing but the truth is going to ease her pain, and I can’t tell her the truth.
A harsh laugh escapes her. “I get it now. Just the idea of us makes you sick. Message received.”
I tilt my head as I look at her quizzically. She thinks I’m pushing her away because I’m not attracted to her. I slam my hands against the window above her head. Fuck, I hate that I’m in this position.
“Let me make one thing clear,” I growl, our lips a breath away from each other. “If I could have you, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second. You’re not just the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen; you’re the kind of woman who ruins every other woman for me.”
I hear her sharp intake of breath.
“Why can’t you have me?” she asks softly.
My forehead falls to hers, and I shake it back and forth. “I can’t go there. It’s not my place to tell. Just know … I’ve thought about what it would be like to finally be able to claim you as mine. And I’ll think about it until the day I die.”
