Eli begins to cry, giving me the much-needed excuse to pull away from her before I do something I regret. I stop the swing and unbuckle her. She begins to soothe herself a little as soon as I pick her up.
I wonder if that possibly means she trusts me a bit. Maybe she finds comfort in me. Is that all it takes to gain the trust of a baby—twenty-four hours?
I feel Jessie’s eyes on me. I’m afraid to meet her stare, but I gaze her way despite my uncertainty. Her arms are crossed as she leans against the window, watching me bounce Eli. She doesn’t say anything. I don’t say anything.
It feels like she’s making a decision in her mind right now. I shouldn’t have admitted that to her. It just makes things more complicated. But I couldn’t let her think I wasn’t interested. Fuck, I am so far beyond interested. I’m desperate.
Suddenly, a knock on the door brings me back to what my priority at the moment needs to be.
Jessie’s eyes open wide. “Is that the nanny?” she asks.
I cough to clear my throat. “Yes.”
“Here.” She rushes over to me. “Give me Eli. I’ll get her settled so you can start.”
A fifty-year-old woman is waiting at the door for me. She’s divorced, and her kids are grown up and out of the house. The interview goes by quickly, Jessie helping me with the questions.
When she leaves, I order us dinner, and we talk about what we thought as we eat. Eli is asleep in her swing.
“What did you think?” I ask as I swirl pasta on my fork.
She shrugs her shoulders. “I actually really liked her. She was nice and seemed like a very trustworthy person.”
I nod my head. “The vetting process at the agency is extremely thorough. Her background is clean. What do you think about her nannying style?”
“She doesn’t believe in letting the baby cry or self-soothe. I like that. I think she’ll tend to Eli’s needs well.”
“I do too.” I pause. “Do you think it’s bad that I want to hire the first nanny I interview? Should I do more interviews?”
“I don’t think you need to interview for the sake of interviewing. If it’s a top-tier nanny agency, I think you’re just looking for an agreement on how to nurture the baby. If you think you’ve found that, why not hire her?”
“That’s true. I do like her. I felt comfortable around her. But I’ll sleep on it.”
I’m relieved that she isn’t acting different toward me after what I confessed to her earlier. Maybe we can just let it go and pretend I never said anything. If she knows how I feel, how much I want her, things could get complicated.
Next thing I know, Eli wakes from her swing with a roaring scream. I jump off the couch and swoop her up. After I warm a bottle, which she refuses, I try to give her a pacifier.
“Maybe change her,” Jessie offers from the couch.
I’m sweating at this point as panic takes up residence inside of me. I want to scream at Jessie, but I decide to bring Eli into my bedroom and change her. She wails even harder during the process and is no closer to being happier by the end. I pick her up and bring her back into the family room.
“Great advice, Einstein,” I bark at her. “Now she’s more upset.”
Was that harsh? Yes. Is it hard to say the right thing when there’s a screaming baby in your ear? Absolutely.
I try to bounce her up and down, but nothing works. I thought I’d started to figure it out. Either feed her, change her, or get her to sleep with a pacifier. This isn’t part of the rotation. I feel out of control and completely useless.
Jessie stands up and extends her arms. “Here. Let me try.”
I offer Eli to her, disappointed that I wasn’t able to calm her down. I thought I might be capable of doing this single-dad thing on my own. Now, I’m not so sure.
Jessie makes her rounds, trying the same things that I did, but to no avail. She glances at her watch.
“You’ve got somewhere to be?” I quip, the crying beginning to get to me.
“I think this is the witching hour. Eva was telling me about it at breakfast the other day.”
Now she’s just talking crazy. Has the crying already made her go mad?
