“It’s an act, Nathaniel.” She turned away, trying to find the words to explain something she had only begun to understand recently. When Abigail asked who had hurt her. It wasn’t obvious. It forced her to dig deep, to search her soul. “Since I was little, I learned to play any role people expected of me. To adapt and conform. To try to earn their affection, their acceptance.”
“Whose affection? Whose acceptance?”
“Everyone. My mother. My father, or rather, the man I thought was my father. Even you.”
“Me?” His frown underscored his outraged tone.
It was so tempting to retreat back inside her shell. Don the mask of the confident and smart agent. The woman who was fearless and passionate and everything Nathaniel desired. The woman who was lovable. But if she was going to return to him without the shield of the agent, he would soon find out the real her.
“Yes. You. You were madly in love with me as long as I was the exciting agent. Fearless, smart. Capable. Passionate. As soon as you inherited your title and we moved to your estate, my competent facade began to crumble. You saw me for the fraud I was, and you lost interest in me.”
If she were not so nervous, she would find the expression on his face funny. It was a mix of astonishment with outrage. Eyes wide, eyebrows drawn down and together, mouth agape.
“Good God! I can scarcely believe what I’m hearing. That’s utter rubbish.”
“Is it? Can you deny that you were disappointed with me when I proved to be such a failure as a viscountess? It was the real reason I left. Your mother’s scorn, your sister-in-law’s resentment, even the embarrassment of failing in front of your peers, I could have borne. But I couldn’t stand your disillusionment. Your apathy. So I left. Before I lost every last shred of the regard you once had for me.”
“Alice, no! I was never disappointed with you. Never stopped loving you and wanting you.”
“That is certainly not how it felt. You barely noticed me. When you did, I could see the pity and dissatisfaction in your eyes.”
“I was drowning in duties for which I was thoroughly unprepared myself. I was overwhelmed, tired, and afraid I wouldn’t be capable of fulfilling my own obligations. That I would fail myself. “
“Yes. And since I was failing as well, I became one more worry. One more thing that wasn’t going well in your life. One drowning person can’t help another. It can only be another drag. They will pull each other under that much faster.”
“I don’t know what you are trying to imply with your metaphors, Alice, but I never wanted you gone. I needed you.”
“And yet you never came for me.”
He hung his head in defeat. “You’ll never stop holding that over my head, will you? Will you ever forgive me? Will you ever believe it was not because I didn’t want you?”
“It’s not a matter of forgiveness, Nathaniel. I was wrong to leave. You were wrong to not seek me out. We were both wrong in not talking to each other for five damn years! That’s why I wonder if it was because, deep down, we believed we wouldn’t make it?”
“No. I don’t know about you, but that was never my motive. I honestly thought you were miserable and missed our old life. Damn, I missed my days as an agent too! If I could have refused the titles and the responsibilities and resumed my old life, I would have done so without a second thought. I couldn’t, but I didn’t want to take that option from you. “
“And now? Do you still wish you were an agent?”
“Sometimes. But I’ve adapted to my new life. I have found a new purpose.”
“What if I don’t find my purpose? What if I can never become what you expect of me?”
“Oh, darling. You still don’t understand, do you? You don’t have to become anything. You are already everything I want.”
“But I will never be enough for polite society. They’ll scorn me for my birth and tear me apart for my choices. A viscountess who worked for a living—and worse, as an agent? The scandal could ruin us both. Would you still love me if I become an embarrassment to your name?”
“I would. But you could never be that. You are a lady. Even if you refuse to admit it, you are already accepted within society. Your brother and sister have welcomed you with open arms. You count a duchess among your closest acquaintances, for goodness’ sake. Sure, some will judge and whisper. But we can ignore those. Standing together. Any other fears or objections I can put to rest?”
“No.” Alice swallowed hard, her throat tight. “That is why I came tonight. To tell you—and myself—that I am your wife. That Iwantto be your wife, with all that entails. If you still want me.”
His answering look was raw, unguarded. “I have wanted you every day since the moment I met you. All throughout our separation, I wanted you in my home, in my bed, in my arms.” His hands slid over her shoulders down to her waist, pulling her closer until there was scarcely a breath between them. “Tonight,when I saw you—when you walked into that room like a goddess—I knew there was nothing in this world that matters more than keeping you at my side.”
The words hung between them like a benediction. Then, with exquisite care, he bent his head and kissed her. Their kiss—a deep, reverent claiming that left no doubt where she belonged.
“In that case, I am ready to come home. Ready to try again?”
He closed his eyes briefly, as if to steady himself, and when he opened them, there was fire there. Not just passion, but a vow. “Not just ready. My love, I will move heaven and earth to make sure we never lose each other again.”
When they parted, her lips were trembling, but her smile was sure. “Then take me home, Nathaniel. Tonight.”
