He sighed. “Alice, that was not that big of a deal. So things didn’t go as planned. There would be many others in the future when you could prove yourself. That was not a good enough reason to leave me!”
“You think that’s why I left? Because I couldn’t handle the humiliation of a failed dinner party? Oh, Nathaniel, you still don’t understand, do you? They offered to help with it, and I believed them. Welcomed their help, in fact. I thought it wasthe perfect opportunity for us to work together and bond as a family.” She drew in a shaky breath. “But they sabotaged me.”
“It could have been a mistake. These things happen. I know as agents we are trained to always see foul play. But there’s no need to be suspicious within the family.”
“Give me some credit. I’m not that paranoid. I overheard them laughing about it the next day—mocking me. That wasn’t grief, Nathaniel. It was spite. Cruelty. And when I told you about it. Do you remember what you said?”
His face darkened, mouth tightening into a grim line. “I told you that you were too distraught. That you probably misunderstood what you overheard. That you had made a good effort for your first time and not to worry because next time would be better.”
She nodded. “That’s when I realized I was on my own. That house wasn’t my home—it was a viper’s nest. And you…” She swallowed hard. “You didn’t believe me. You basically said I was imagining things and that I just needed to try harder.”
“I…may have been wrong,” he said quietly, his shoulders slumping. “Maybe I should’ve listened. You should have made me listen.”
Tears threatened. She blinked them away, keeping her voice steady. “I left because I couldn’t stay. Because I was losing not just you but myself. I thought you’d follow me. Demand an explanation. Fight for me. But you didn’t.”
“I thought you didn’t want me to,” he admitted. “And you didn’t exactly wait long before moving on with your life. Replacing me.”
She stiffened. “What are you talking about? I never replaced you.”
His eyes searched hers, a muscle ticking in his jaw. “Didn’t you?”
“No.” Her voice was fierce now. “There’s never been anyone else.”
For a long moment, silence stretched between them. His gaze bore into her, conflicted, haunted, as if trying to read her mind.
Finally, Nathaniel exhaled a shaky breath and rubbed a hand over his jaw. “If…if there was—if you turned to someone else out of anger, or loneliness, or disappointment because I failed you…you can tell me.”
“Nathaniel, I’ve never—”
He held out a hand, palm out, stopping her words. “I think I could forgive that. But I need you to be honest with me, Alice.”
Alice’s heart slammed painfully against her ribs. Nathaniel thought she had betrayed him? That she needed forgiveness? He had understood nothing. He still wasn’t listening. Still didn’t believe her.
“I have been honest with you. I’ve always told you the truth. But I can’t make you believe me, can I? Why are you even here if you think I betrayed you?”
He didn’t know her at all if he thought her capable of committing adultery. Why would he still want her if that were the case? Oh, wasn’t he the understanding husband, forgiving his wife’s indiscretions and taking her worthless self back?
He stepped closer, close enough that she could feel the heat of his body. His eyes were dark, intent, filled with a hunger that wasn’t purely physical.
“I don’t want to argue anymore. Not today.” His hand cupped her cheek, thumb brushing away a tear she hadn’t realized had fallen. He might not want to argue, but he had not changed his mind. She could see that. A layer of reserve separated them, almost like an invisible veil.
“Let’s eat. Then we need to visit Dalton and apprise him of all the events of the night. We will talk about us later. And we’ll figure out what comes next. Together.”
She nodded silently, too choked to speak. At this point, she had no faith they could figure anything out. Much less be together.
CHAPTER 14
Nathanieldidn’tmentionthesubject again. They ate their breakfast in silence, interacting only to ask to pass the sugar, or butter, or inquire if the other wanted more tea. What an inane, stilted conversation. So at odds with their previous ease with each other.
After they had eaten, they dressed separately and left the house silently. The entire carriage ride to Whitehall transcurred with nary a word, giving Nathaniel plenty of time to reflect on his feelings, an exercise he wasn’t very good at, after having avoided it for so long.
Maybe it had been a mistake to bring up her infidelity at all. What had he expected? A teary confession? An angry accusation? He deserved both, but that wasn’t Alice’s style. Nor did he think she had told him the entire reason she left him.
There were layers upon layers of complexity to his wife. She was a master of disguise, and that included her emotions. If hewanted to get to the bottom of it, he would have to be patient, and wait for her to open up.
Strange that he had never realized that before. When they first married, he had thought they were completely open with each other. Turns out, they just never had a reason to be guarded. Until he inherited.
What did he want to learn, anyway? Would it make any difference to his feelings? He already wanted to forgive her. Forget everything and hold her in his arms forever.
