“Maybe we can keep our relationship quiet for a while.” She was grasping at straws now. “Until we find a way to introduce you to society, or Elizabeth marries.”
“That won’t work. It could take years for Elizabeth to marry, and I don’t think we’ll be able to keep our relationship a secret. The truth has a way of coming out.”
Only a lifetime of training in decorum prevented Esther from stomping her feet or raging at the fates. But just barely. Everything she suggested, Wang rejected. She was running out of arguments. She tried to hold on to the remnants of what they had, but they slipped through her fingers like sand.
“At least give me hope that someday in the future, maybe after Elizabeth marries, we can be together again.” Her voice trembled, defeated. She sounded like a beggar, but she was beyond pride or even dignity.
He placed a finger under her chin, then slowly lifted it until their eyes met. To her shame, two fat tears slipped down her cheeks and fell on his hand.
“Don’t cry, my love. I will always be here for you should you ever need me. But don’t live your life thinking about me, waiting for what might be. Go forth and live. Attend balls, go on picnics. Do all those things you couldn’t do before. Dance, be happy. And enjoy the time with your daughter.”
She could tell him she needed him now. But she recognized his firm determination. He was the most disciplined man she knew. And besides, he might be right. Maybe she was being emotional and irrational. Despair was rising within her like a black tide, but she refused to fall apart in front of him. The least she could do was match his strength with her own.
She nodded jerkily. “Very well, then. I shall move to a hotel this afternoon and buy passage back to England on the next available ship.”
That drew a frown from him. “I am not throwing you out of my house, Esther. You can stay here until you leave. I shall help you buy the ticket and will escort you to the ship.”
She could not imagine a more harrowing scene than saying goodbye at the docks. And staying here with him, knowing their relationship had ended? No. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t even breathe at the prospect.
“No. I can’t stay.”
“Esther, I will not leave you alone in New York—”
She lifted her chin. “Why not? You think me incapable of taking care of myself? I’m an adult, and thanks to you, not an invalid anymore. I shall be fine.”
“But you are a lady. You have been sheltered all your life. And you are in an unfamiliar city. The dangers—”
“Colin’s mother was a lady as well. Yet she left her husband and her country, taking her son, who was still a child and in need of care. Am I less capable than her?”
She knew she had stumped him when he frowned, and his gaze skittered away. “The situations are different.”
“No, they aren’t. We are both women leaving the man we love because we think it’s what’s best for our child. What you are saying is that I am different. Less capable. Not as intrepid or dashing. And maybe I am not. But don’t underestimate me because I’m quiet.”
His eyes were tender, and his lopsided smile sad as he brushed a lock of her wild hair out of her face. “I never have,Xiao Lù. I just want to protect you, that’s all.”
She captured his hand, removed it from her face. Closed her eyes. “You gave up that right.”
“At least let me know where you’ll be staying and when you plan to depart,” he asked, the first notes of despair threading through his tone. “We need to let Colin know as soon as you have the ticket, so that the telegram arrives in time for him to be waiting for you—”
She placed a finger over his lips. She wasn’t sure if her motive was to stop the words, or if she simply wanted an excuse to touch him.
“I shall notify you. Don’t worry about me.”
CHAPTER 21
Themomentofwakingwas the worst of the day, Wang decided. It was when the blessed veil of unconsciousness lifted away and all the memories came rushing in, bringing with them the pain of loss. He was almost positive that was the worst moment of the day. Except a thousand other moments followed it. Memories of Esther were everywhere. In the house, in the hospital. In his heart. They were inescapable.
He rolled out of bed with a groan. Not his bed. He hadn’t been able to sleep in the bedchamber he had shared with her. So he had taken refuge in the smaller guestroom. The amount of light filtering through the closed drapes told him he had overslept. Although ‘overslept’ might not be the right term. He had slept little in the past week. He checked the clock on the mantel. A quarter past ten. When had he ever slept this late? Never. Maybe his body had finally rebelled and refused to wake until it got the sleep it needed. Regardless of the late hour, he forced himself tostick to his routine, as if habit alone had the power to hold him together.
It had been a week since she moved out. Taking all the warmth, the happiness, the sunshine, and the hope with her. Seven restless nights. Seven horrid mornings of waking in this manner, instead of with her in his arms. His house had never felt emptier, nor his soul more lonely. Strange that he should feel so lonely now, when he had been alone for so long.
As she promised, she had sent notice of where she was staying, at The Astor House, of all places. The most snobbish, elitist hotel in all of New York. They wouldn’t allow him to get close to it. Just another reminder of the unbreachable gulf between them. She had also sent another note three days ago. Letting him know she had booked passage on the RMSScotia. She was leaving today.
He tried to move through the patterns of Tai Chi. Movements he knew by heart. The slow, controlled motions should have been centering. Calming. But today, they failed to soothe his anxiety or provide any sort of emotional balance.
Abandoning any hope of calm, he walked into the kitchen, where he built the fire and set the water to boil. Today would be the worst day. After she was no longer near, after her presence no longer presented a temptation to fuel his ambivalence, he would find a measure of peace again. He only had to make it through today.
Liar.
