“Forgive me, love. I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” He rocked them together, his face buried in the tangled mass of her hair. She gloried in his warmth, reveled in his closeness. But too soon, his arms loosened. He brought his hands to cradle her cheeks, lifting her face to meet his gaze. His lips were not smiling now.
“You honor me with your proposal, with your presence in my life. These past few months with you…they have been the happiest of my life. If circumstances were different, I would have gone down on my knees long ago and begged you to be my wife. I love you. I love you so much that I can’t accept your proposal, knowing what it would cost you.”
She shook her head. “It’s a price I’m willing to pay.”
“Maybe you are. But are you willing to let Elizabeth pay it as well?”
The air left her in a single, broken gasp, and she could not pull it back in. With his usual precision, he had cut to the heart of the matter. Shame, doubt, despair, loss. Everything was attacking her at once.
Was she being selfish? Was she putting her happiness above that of her daughter? How had she failed to consider how herstanding in society would affect Elizabeth? Oh God, what kind of terrible mother was she?
With sinking despair, she knew she could never endanger her daughter’s happiness. But the thought of leaving Kai made her chest ache as if something vital had been torn from it.
She raised tear-filled eyes to him. “There must be a way,” she insisted.
He didn’t answer. Merely stood and walked to the door. He stopped for a second with his back to her, the doorknob in his hand. “I’ll leave you to get dressed in privacy.” Then he was gone, taking all the warmth in the room with him.
Esther had never dressed so fast in her life. Not bothering to call for her maid, she simply threw on a dressing gown over her shift and hurried after Wang. She didn’t know what she had expected, but it wasn’t to find him in the kitchen, calmly kneading dough.
“Would you like some breakfast? It will be ready in a few minutes,” he said as she barged into the kitchen, his voice maddeningly even, as if their lives weren’t unraveling right in front of them.
“No, I don’t want bloody breakfast. What I want is to talk.”
A half smile pulled one corner of his mouth. “You are cursing.”
“Damn right I am! And don’t you dare lecture me,” she said, pointing at him with a finger.
This time, his smile was full, reaching his eyes. “I think I rather prefer you angry than sad.”
“Don’t joke about this, Kai. We need to find a solution to our situation.”
“You want to change the world. But that is not possible. The world is the way it is, and we must adapt.”
“Poppycock! Weren’t you the one who made the statement about stealing a tiger’s cub?.” She advanced on him, rounding the table where he was placing small little dumplings onto a tray.“We need to fight for what we want. You taught me that. You made me keep going when my strength faltered, when I didn’t believe I could do it.”
“Some battles can be won, and those are worth fighting. Others are a lost cause before one even starts. A wise person discerns the difference between the two.”
She planted her hand on her hips. “Is this another one of your Chinese proverbs?”
He looked at her with a frown. “No, it’s simple common sense.”
“It’s cowardice. It’s giving up before one has even tried.”
He turned to her then. “What would you have me do, then? Fight for you? It’s what I want to do with every fiber of my being. But doing that will ultimately be a disservice to you and your daughter. If our relationship hurts her, you will hate yourself and resent me. Trust me, Esther, fighting for you would be the easiest thing to do. That would take no courage at all. Letting you go, on the other hand, takes almost more than I have.”
The raw pain in his eyes took her aback. He was not calm at all. He was only pretending to be. Trying to be strong. For her. A wave of tenderness and sadness washed over her. She placed her hand on his naked forearm, exposed by his rolled-up sleeve. The muscles there tensed under her touch.
“At least come back to England with me. We will think of something. Maybe we can introduce you to society in small steps.”
Wang shook his head. “You were there yesterday, Esther. You heard the murmurs, saw the forced smiles, and the pointed avoidance. Even among common folk, the sentiment toward Chinese people is deteriorating. Do you really think those people are ever going to accept me in their rarefied circles?”
“It will be different in England.”
Wang scoffed. “It will be worse.”
“Not necessarily. And Colin will help, I’m sure. With the support of the Earl of Hartfield, you will gain entry to society.”
“Colin has his own problems to contend with. He’s newly married and is expecting a baby. I refuse to burden him further.”
