“Among other things.” He stood and paced to the window, to stare at the dark street outside. “Another reason was the consequences of the war with Britain.”
“Oh, the China War. I read about it in the papers. Something about trade disputes, if I remember correctly.”
Wang gave a dry chuckle. “It was about opium. At least on the Chinese side. The British wanted to abolish the Cohong System. And they got their wish. No matter how much opium they had to smuggle into China, or how many lives they had to ruin.”
“I’m sorry,” Esther said again, apologizing for something that was not her fault. “Oh, how you must hate the British.”
He spun, his gaze colliding with hers. “I don’t. At least not anymore. At the time, I was crazed with anger. I hated the English, yes. But I also came to hate the Chinese government. The Emperor. That’s why I had to leave.”
“I don’t understand.”
“My father was the Hoppo appointed to Canton. That’s the person in charge of enforcing the Cohong System. He oversaw Canton’s foreign trade and reported directly to the emperor. It was a position of great prestige, and he had served faithfully his entire life. But he could not prevent or contain the opium trade. After the war, the Emperor blamed him for China’s loss, even though it wasn’t his fault. They punished him. Stripped him of his position. He fell ill and died in a matter of months. I believe the humiliation killed him. That happened soon after I lost my wife. In a matter of months, I lost…everyone.”
“Oh, good God, Kai. You had no more family? What about your mother? Do you have any siblings?”
“No. My mother passed away when I was little.” He met her gaze square on. “In childbirth. She never had a successful pregnancy besides me. My father didn’t remarry, so for most of my life it was just him and me, until I married.”
She said nothing. And really, what was there to say? But her eyes were glassy with unshed tears, and she covered her mouth with her hand. He wanted to comfort her—or take comfort; he wasn’t sure—but refrained. She didn’t need the extra burden of his crazed emotions.
“No wonder you looked relieved when I told you I was past my childbearing years.”
He nodded. “That was the best news you could have given me. I never want to put another woman through that, Esther. There must be something wrong with my seed. Maybe I inherited it from my father. My mother died in childbirth. And I visited a similar fate upon my wife. I don’t want to be responsible for the death of another woman.”
Another woman he loved.
The air seemed to freeze in his lungs as the words whispered through his brain. Was he in love with her? He thought himself incapable of the emotion any longer. Had successfully avoided it for over two decades. And yet… He checked. Tested it in his heart. It felt right. Inevitable. He had been falling in love with Esther, a bit at a time, from the moment he had met her. Her delicate beauty that bore pain with such stoicism and grace had captivated him.
The truth of his feelings was so big, burned so clear, that he almost declared it, but caught himself just in time. He couldn’t burden her with his feelings. She might not reciprocate them. Her priority was—as should be—getting well to help her daughter. And she was a countess, for goodness’ sake. Even if she had feelings for him, what could he possibly offer her? No, his feelings must remain a secret. The best gift he could give her was to help her recover and then fade out of her life so she could fly unfettered.
And him? He would have the memory of this time with her—the best time of his life—to warm his heart for the rest of his life.
“Take me to bed, Kai. Please.” Her soft voice almost startled him, as lost as he was in his thoughts.
He strode towards her, lifting her in his arms, and carried her the few steps to her bed. But when he would have turned away, she held onto his hand. “Lie with me.”
He shook his head. “You are in pain, and I…”
He was in pain as well, although of a different kind.
“Not to make love. Just to hold each other. I think we both need comfort.”
Unable to resist the invitation, he removed his coat, waistcoat, and tie, then slid next to her. She turned to him, placing a hand on his chest, and something snapped inside, a need to hold her so deep it was almost violent.
Turning to her, he hooked an arm around her waist, pulling her to him across the expanse of the bed that separated them, inserting his leg between hers, hooking her leg over his hip, sliding his hands over her back as he buried his face in the sweetness of her neck.
She responded in kind, sliding her hand under his shirt to map his back with possessive caresses. The warmth of her touch on his bare skin was a balm that seeped all the way to his soul.
For the moment, desire was banked. Never entirely gone around her, just biding its time. But this closeness, the sheer wonder of her acceptance, the solace she offered, was as sublime as the throes of passion.
CHAPTER 14
Estherhadneversleptan entire night with another person before. One of the many wonderful experiences she had been missing out on. Although she couldn’t imagine that sleeping next to anybody else could feel as wonderful as sleeping with Kai. His body lay nestled behind her, his arms embracing her, cocooning her in warmth and protection.
Even her aches from the previous night had vanished with no need for laudanum, as if his mere presence was a balm that healed her.
“Good morning,” he said with a slow smile as she turned within his embrace. “How do you feel?”
She returned his smile. “Much better. What about you?”
