‘What the fuck is wrong with you?!’ a voice boomed in the small space behind me.
I whirled, drawing my sword. The candlelight of the stables cast a glowing yellow light over Demir as his large frame filled the only door in and out. His chest heaved with heavy breaths as anger coiled through his taut muscles.
‘A lot, so you’ll have to be more specific,’ I scoffed, placing my sword back in its sheath. It was a power play, showing him I wasn’t scared and that I didn’t see him as a threat.
Everett stepped in next to him and answered, looking evenangrier than his little prince. ‘You fucking mutilated him, chopped him up into tiny little pieces and left some calling card like some deranged sick fuck!’ he spat, about to step further in, but Demir cast him a glance that rooted him to the spot.
‘He deserved it.’ I shrugged, turning my back to them as I picked the brush back up and soothed Vixen. The shouting was riling her up, and like me, she loved a good fight.
‘He had a family, Skylar,’ Demir seethed.
‘So did my general, but that didn’t stop yours from doing the same to him. I was simply returning the favour. You cannot make moves in a war that you aren’t willing to be on the receiving end of. This error in judgement is on you and your people, not me.’
Demir’s eyes shuttered briefly as Everett looked at him confused.
‘What do you mean you were “returning the favour”?’ Everett asked, incredulous now.
‘Your general came into my camp in the dead of night and mutilated one of my generals. Everything he did to my man, I did to yours.’ I turned back to them, dropping the brush to the ground. ‘This is the problem with Morgadians. You poke and you prod and you push and then you’re shocked when we bite the fuck back. Stay off my lands, stay away from my people and I won’t have the need to touch you and yours. Now, fuck off.’ I stalked between them, slamming my shoulder into theirs to get them to move. Everett and Demir began whispering, but I had no care for what they had to say.
Demir ran after me, his eyes almost pleading. Something in my chest clenched at the sight, but I held myself back.
‘We wouldn’t do something like that.’ He shook his head.
‘You may not, but your father did. Take a moment and think about the man he is, and then tell me whether you truly doubt he could order something like this.’
Demir’s head dropped almost immediately before Everett spoke. ‘Before I left for the ball, I had heard some of the othergenerals talking in passing about how they had left the message of all messages for Maureia. I didn’t think anything of it, but it makes sense now. I’m sorry, Demir. I think she may be right.’
Colour me fucking shocked. Scoffing, I turned and continued on, wanting to run as far away from the man whose anguished eyes had just made me feel something I couldn’t quite understand.
Seventeen
The trip home from the Academy went quickly; there were no detours, no attacks, and no arguments. We rode in silence, all of us beyond exhausted, and the others could truly tell I was not in the headspace to listen to their nonsense. I didn’t run into Demir again before leaving, and I was thankful. I didn’t know if I could face him normally again after learning what I now knew.
When we arrived at the castle in the early evening, I went straight to the greenhouse. It was filled with blue and purple orchids. The ground below housed the bodies of everyone I had lost. My mother, father, sister, and best friend Zoe. I had first chosen these flowers to plant here when she died, as they were her favourites, and slowly they became mine. I remember when Zoe took her own life; even my father cried. From that day on, he would buy me those flowers on my birthday, just as Zoe and I had done for each other on ours.
There was a black metal bench that was intricately shaped, resembling stems and flowers. I sat there for a long while, not thinking of anything. Then I did what I always do and spoke to them. I pictured my father sitting on the bench with me, his grey hair and blue eyes complemented by a warm smile thatrarely reached his eyes due to all the pain he had endured throughout his lifetime.
‘Dad, I need you. I wish you were here. I remember you telling me on your deathbed that one day I would need you, and you wouldn’t be here to help me, and that it scared you. That moment has come. I have no one to turn to. I viewed myself as a victim for so long and allowed myself to hide behind this desire for vengeance. It gave me focus and allowed me to narrow my field of vision. The comfort that the coldness and distance brought made me feel safe. If I kept the world and the people around me at a distance, I would be okay; I could not be hurt again, but it’s all unravelling now.’ I sighed.
‘Sienna unlocked my mental block, one that I had been languishing in. I’ve come to realise that I need these people; I care about them, and now I am being hurt by them. I know they didn’t mean to hurt me when they chose to hide things from me, but fuck does it hurt. I’ve always felt like an outsider, even now in my position when everyone looks up to me. I have felt like an imposter, so I have hid behind a mask of cold indifference, but… I don’t even know anymore. Was I truly so terrible that they couldn’t tell me the truth? I was. I have been a terrible friend to those who have done nothing but give their lives for me. I didn’t treat them like friends. I used to, a long time ago, but too much happened, and I couldn’t do it anymore. I can’t continue that way, but I’m so tainted now that I don’t know how to be anything else.’ I breathed deeply a few times, letting my words and worries go. He never talked back to me, though. I could picture what he would say, but none of it was real.
The image of my father transformed into Zoe, with her blonde hair and light blue eyes smiling at me, her skin as translucent as a spirit, just as it was when she was alive. I pictured her yelling at me, telling me that I was a fool. She was the only one who ever truly put me in my place without hesitation, fuelled by her love for me. It never came from anger. She would tell me I had to open up and show the people around me that I cared, justas I had cared for her. It was not a weakness to show it or to act on it. Instead, it was far more shameful and weak to pretend they didn’t matter. Running from my relationships and from connecting—that was true weakness. That is what has left me feeling isolated and with people hiding things from me leaving me truly exposed and vulnerable in ways that actually mattered.
Then my sister sat next to me, although we never looked like sisters. Where I was tall, she was short; where I was tanned, she was pale. Her eyes matched her light brown hair. I imagined her holding my hand.
‘I found my soul bonded mate, Jahnah, but he’s all wrong. The first thought I had when I found out he was bound to me was how I could use that to my advantage, for myself and my people. I don’t deserve love. I only know how to poison the things around me. He is so wrong for me, for my people, for our future. Evil runs through his veins. I swore to eradicate his bloodline when I held you in my arms on that battlefield. How could the fates choose him for me? Why could the gods not have bonded me to someone like Visarous? Things would be far simpler that way. I’ve ruined him too, twisted his once innocent heart. He so clearly loves me but I don’t want it—I never have. I wouldn’t know what to do with it, how to care for or nurture those feelings; it’s not in my nature.
‘For a time, I convinced myself I was simply incapable of feeling anything for anyone but it’s not true. I cared for him as a friend, and I could not help how my body responded to him, but he was nothing more than a safety net and… I used him, time and time again to fill my needs. And just because I was honest with him, it does not make it any better. I can no longer give in to him. I have to push him away for good. I know how; I know I just need to tell him the truth about Demir and that would crush the last kernel of hope he’s holding onto, but selfishly I don’t want anything to change. Too much has already changed and I need things to remain the same for a moment longer so I can catch my breath.’ Saying the words out loud put everything into a new perspective for me. I was sure of what needed to be done.
Before finding Visarous,I needed to find Sienna. She was in her office cleaning small pieces of bone off her floor. She looked at me, concern flickering in her gaze. This was the first time I had seen her since the war camp.
‘It worked. Something’s shifting and I don’t know what to do,’ I said. She came up to me and hugged me; something in my heart snapped as the tears began to flow silently. ‘I’ve tried so hard for so long to be nothing but strong, but it was all a lie. I’ve been on the edge for so long and now everything is falling apart. I can’t do this anymore. Make it stop. I don’t want to feel or think anymore—it’s too much.’
‘You’re feeling untethered. The truths you held onto aren’t so black and white anymore. Viv told me what you did for her and Acheron. I’m so proud of you.’ She held me tight and rocked with me in her arms as I sobbed harder, letting go. ‘Skylar, you will need these people now more than ever in what is to come. You cannot continue as you always have. You need to let go of your hurt and your pain; you need to let everyone in. Friendships are complex, but even with our differences, they need to see the real you if they are to truly stand by you. Viv can now trust you in a way she never allowed herself to before. You did the right thing. And I know it’s easy to be angry at them, but you can’t be mad at them for lying when you have been lying to them and to yourself for far longer about many more things.’
‘I had another episode at the Academy, Sienna. It was one of the worst I’ve experienced in a while. The only thing that brought me back was someone else’s touch. I can’t keep living this life alone.’
‘Who?’ she asked curiously, as Cain wouldn’t have been allowed on Academy grounds. It was so out of character for meto let anyone see—let alone help me through the panic. I looked at her and felt fear at the thought of uttering the words.
