He snorted. “She’s really not.”
“If she let you go, she definitely can’t be that smart.”
His eyes locked onto mine through the lenses of his glasses, piercing and unreadable. The tension between us heightened, but I couldn’t stop myself. The words had slipped out before I could pull them back. Maybe this whole crush I’d been quietly nursing was misguided, completely one-sided. Maybe I was reading too much into every glance, every soft moment we shared. But something was there. It crackled just beneath the surface, waiting to break through.
It couldn’t all be in my head…could it?
“Did she break your heart?” The question tumbled out before I could snatch it back.
He looked away from me and squinted out the large window. The sun had already set, the sky just getting to the point where it was almost completely dark, but you could still make out the outlines of trees. I thought for sure I’d overstepped, but when he met my eyes again, his expression was soft and warm.
“It’s funny, you’re the first person to ask me that. I think my family just assumed I was a blubbering mess after it happened. They checked in on me daily, forced me to go on all these activities. At the time, I’d found their overbearingness pretty annoying. I had just gotten friendlier with the guys in the internet sleuthing forum, and I was having way more fun going over cold cases to distract myself. My family thought it was a cry for help.”
“So youweren’theartbroken?” The glimmer of hope in my voice made me cringe.
“You know, not really, I guess. It hurt, that’s for sure. I felt blindsided by the whole thing. She said…she said, she fell out of love with me. That she could picture our whole life together already, because in twenty years we’d be doing the exact same things we were doing now. She wanted something new. Something different.”
“Ouch.” I winced, hating the thought of anyone saying that to Reid. I regretted not being ruder to Meghan at the store. I should’ve hit her with some passive-aggressive line about how “comfortable” her outfit looked, or something equally petty.
“Yeah, it sucked at the time. Made me question everything—who I was, the way I lived my life.”
“I hoped you told her stability isn’t so bad,” I said softly. “Some people crave it more than anything.”
Shit. Why had I said that? Now he was looking at me with a heavy gaze. The air in the room was even thicker than it had been before.
“Is that…something you crave?” he asked, tripping a little over the words.
Our eyes lingered on each other’s for a breath too long. “Yeah. It really is.”
I pulled my feet up, tucking them underneath myself. He pushed himself away from the sink, and stepped toward the table, leaning against it. He hovered just feet away from me.
“Hazel…” He licked his lips but didn’t seem like he knew quite what to say. I was used to that. Used to people pitying me because my childhood story didn’t fit into the stereotypical happy one.
“I didn’t mean I haven’t had any stability,” I added.
His eyes flickered to mine, not leaving this time. I felt pinned underneath his gaze.
“Really, though,” I said, rambling. “Gran was always there for me the best she could be. I was happy growing up. I just—I guess, sometimes I wanted more.”
Guilt consumed me saying those words out loud. As if Gran hadn’t sacrificed so much to give me the childhood I’d had. A tear slipped down my cheek.
“Hey,” Reid said gently. My breath caught in my throat when he stepped closer, reaching out to brush it away. “Youcan be grateful for everything she gave you and grieve what you never had at the same time.”
I sniffled and pulled the sleeves of my sweater over my hands. How could a guy who’d just met me nail my emotions so effortlessly? That was exactly what it felt like. My whole life, I’d always had certain things in the back of my mind, things I’d felt I was missing. Parents. A close extended family. A white-picket-fence house in a nice suburb. A ton of close friends. I loved Gran so much, but I couldn’t completely forget what I lacked.
Then, she was gone.
“Now that she’s gone, I regret ever thinking she wasn’t enough,” I whispered.
Reid crouched down, wrapping me against him. I inhaled his scent, clutching the fabric of his sweater lightly as I let myself get lost in how good he felt. He pulled away too soon. I swiped at my eyes and forced a smile.
“Sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into me.”
“Don’t apologize for having feelings, Hazel. Not ever,” he said, still kneeling before me. “And I might not have known your gran, but if the way you speak about her is any indication, you two had a special relationship. I don’t think she doubted for one second how much you loved her.”
“I know…you’re right.”
I gave him a shaky smile, knowing deep down his words were the truth. Gran and I had spoken every day. We had a bond that I’d never get with anyone else. I’d miss her the rest of my life, but I could never let myself doubt that she knew how much I cared.
