“Yeah. That makes sense.”
Eunjae envied her certainty, and the implied ease with which she could shed one name and assume the other. He didn’t consider his own names to be interchangeable. Each one belonged to a distinctly different version of himself, separate and contradictory, incapable of co-existing. If he was Ari, he couldn’t be Eunjae. While he was Eunjae, he wasn’t Ari.
As if she could hear what he was thinking, Jiyeon mused, “There was a time when I was Emma, just Emma, and Jiyeon was harder to reach. I sort of forgot how to be her. But she was always there, and I just needed to learn who she was again.”
Eunjae went very still. She couldn’t have known it at the time, but her words were points of light in a darkness that often felt absolute.
“Do you think you’ve learned it? Everything you’d forgotten?”
“Still working on that. But it’s okay to keep working on it, I think.” Jiyeon took up the pitcher again. “Those were some deep thoughts, Ryan Kim.”
“You’re right. I should’ve offered you a penny for them. Or two. Or ten.”
“Ten whole pennies? I’m set for life.”
“Big money.”
Laughing, she replied, “I meant that you’ve got some big thoughts, not me.”
“Ah, well,” he replied, laughing with her. “Didn’t sleep much last night. I’m probably losing it, but thanks for humoring me anyway.”
“I’m the one who started sounding like a self-help guru. You were mostly humoring me.”
Distressed noises began emanating from the area behind the register. Jiyeon glanced over, then patted Eunjae on the arm and said, “I’d better go help. Are you on your way out?”
“Yeah. I’m supposed to be on a plane soon.”
“Be safe, wherever you’re headed. Here, I’ll walk you to the door. I have thirty seconds or so before Jeannie starts hitting the register with a spatula.”
“That’s… a straightforward approach.”
“If only it worked.”
And so Eunjae was still laughing as he left.
Jiyeon held the door open for him again. They traded goodbyes. Then he started walking, and although he waved to her once, he didn’t allow himself to look back again.
Eunjae would never know the rest of this story. He would never be Ryan Kim who had a sister he’d shed tears for, whose mother remembered ice cream cake on his birthday. The people he’d met this evening would fade into footnotes in his memories in the same way he’d fade for them, their lives touching only for a moment.
He believed Mr. Han, when he said they’d save a spot for him. And he’d been avoiding being seen for days, but when Jiyeon was sitting across from him, spinning a tale about a life he’d never live, Eunjae had felt the flicker of a wish stirring in his heart: to be known.
Really, truly known.
Transcript from the K-pop news podcast
Omma Gosh!- Season 5, Episode 22
Jooney Chun (Host)- Well folks, not sure if you’ve seen it yet ‘cause the post went up on official channels less than 30 minutes ago, but it looks like they’ve finally announced what's next for Apollo now that their fearless leader has enlisted.
Freddie Dang (Co-Host/Producer)- Jooney, you know your mom doesn’t get on Instagram except to check on like, two accounts. And one of them hasn’t posted since the week before Christmas — a tragedy for both of us, by the way, 'cause we love her — so just spit it out already.
Jooney- I was going for suspense! Wait, does she even follow our account? Ma, you follow @ommagoshpod on Insta, right?
Maisie Chun (Co-Host)- (ignores him) Talks too much. Always like that, even when he was little. His teachers always telling me, “Oh Mrs. Chun, your boy, he just talks all day, blah blah, nobody gets work done.” One time Jooney got in bad trouble for talking in the middle of a test, he was in first grade. He took $3.00 and some dimes out of my purse. Tried to give it to his teacher!
Freddie- (snorting) What, so like a bribe? Jooney was bribing teachers back then?
Jooney- If you guys were on the fence about hosting a podcast with your mom, I hope this episode is helping you figure out your lives. And I wasn’t bribing her! I was apologizing!
