“I did want to. I do. But I feel like, now, you need to know that I also really want to kiss you. I want to kiss you and tell you how extraordinary you are. That’s the problem. I wanted to do that all night on the equinox. Couldn’t you tell how my hands were shaking when I fed you those seven pomegranate seeds? Those stupid little pomegranates. I kept thinking I would drop them. But then I saw that maybe you wanted me back and the curse—”
“There’s no curse.”
“I know that now. Or I’m starting to see that even if it feels like the whole thing is a part of me now.” He touched his chest.
“I get it.”
“No, I don’t think you do,” said Ryan. “I more than just like you, Lu. As a friend. As anything.”
My heart felt like it froze for a moment. “Like a good friend?”
Ryan chuckled. “Now you are making fun of me. More than a really good friend. We both already knew that though, right?”
“I mean, you’re sure about that?”
“I figured that you would’ve realized that by now,” he said, bashfully.
I wasn’t sure what I realized exactly. I mean, I understood that he wanted to be my friend. Maybe more than that. I didn’t want to say the words and fully realize them aloud. I wanted it to be more. I wanted everything this year.
Ryan had certainly become everything for me, somewhere in the past few weeks.
I understood the pull I felt that startled my nervous system more and more when he was around before settling, soft and easy, all around me.
Everything was soft and easy and warm with Ryan.
“I only ask if you’re sure because I’m not sure if I …” I tried to figure out what I needed to say.
“You don’t want me?”
“No,” I quickly corrected. “I want you to be sure of all this because I know people are casual. I know you were talking with Ana and Celeste about relationships and how it might seem like, in our lifestyle, our feelings are casual when it comes to me being here. Kissing you. But I’m not. I’m not casual. Not when it comes to this.”
“You mean us.”
I loved those words when he said them.
“I don’t want to be, nor can I be, casual with you,” I said one last time.
“That’s become abundantly clear,” Ryan joked. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m notcasualeither. My life has been so much better with you. I haven’t wanted to spend my time with anyone else. Ever since I got the courage to talk to you that day outside the dean’s office, I realized how alone I’d been all this time at Barnett when all I wanted was to be a part of something. A group. A team. A home.”
I was careful not to say anything as he spoke. My lips were dry. I couldn’t form words if I wanted to. Was Ryan telling me that he liked me? Actually liked me more than just whatever sort of thing we were calling each other? It felt so silly to think that, like we were back in grade school. Hands shaky, voices nervous.
We just were together. And that was the most amazing thing.
“It makes me want to go back those three years to orientation, when I first saw you, and slap myself.” Ryan licked his lips as he shook his head. “God, I was so stupid.”
“Are you telling me that you can actually stand me?”
“I can do more than stand you, Luella. Did you not just hear me? I’ve been slightly infatuated with you for the past three years.”
“Slightly,” I tried to tease him, but it came out weak.
“I want to do a whole lot more than just stand you. You are everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend from the moment you looked down at me in the cemetery to make sure that I wasn’t dead.” He chuckled, holding on to the back of his neck while his other hand indented the quilt beneath us. “Then, we started hanging out more, and, Lu, I don’t care what anyone else thinks of us. I couldn’t care less about everyone else when I care so much about what you think. For years, I saw you and thought you were so amazing, but maybe the world was making us wait. For right now.”
“Look at you, getting all spiritual. Already failing those traditional mentalities from home?”
“You bring it out in me,” he agreed. His fingers slowly began to stroke the sides of my face. Our foreheads touched. “I’m ready to declare whatever you need me to, to the stars and moon if I have to, if it means that I don’t have to spend another year of my life wondering,What if…”
“What if …” I repeated.
