There he was in front of me on the sidewalk, carrying a box of things in his arms, looking like he was heading somewhere.
There he was.
And next to him, carrying another box as he tilted his head closer to her as he talked, was Natalie.
26
Imust have stood there long enough for, after a few more steps, Ryan immediately found me. His eyes stuck to me like we were magnets, constantly pulling one another toward each other, hearing the buzz when we were close. But I took a step back from the image of him and Natalie side by side, smiling and laughing.
I turned around.
Regroup. I needed to regroup.
“Luella!”
Shit.I paused.
People sat on benches. Others went about their day while mine slowly, silently imploded. My back was still toward Ryan, and whatever that scene was that I’d just witnessed with him being all buddy-buddy with Natalie sent a new shock wave of uncertainty straight to my brain.
“Hey,” he whispered when he found himself in front of me. His eyes were soft, tired.
“Hey,” I repeated back, my voice a single breath.
“You ran off again. Is that a new habit I’m going to have to start learning to like?”
I had never been a runner before, yet somehow, I was changing all over the place, it looked like. For better and for worse. I shrugged. My mouth opened and closed on the words I wanted to say. I’d had it all planned out when I first arrived at the sports house and then again when I opened the door to the locker room. The script had been in my head this whole time.
Now, it was caught in my throat.
“Maybe.”
Ryan only nodded. He reached up a hand to scratch the side of his neck. “All right.”
“You look nice,” I said, looking at his crisp business attire. He looked like a teacher.
“I had a presentation today. They are placing us for student teaching next semester.” He stared at me as if I were a ghost.
I nodded a few times, watching as others began to stream steadily out of the humanities building. “Right.”
“Luella—”
“Please. Just wait.” I shut my eyes. This had been going on long enough. I needed to get this back on track. His eyes flared, uncertain, as I cut him off. “I’m sorry. Just let me talk.”
I had a lot of talking to do.
“Okay.”
I swallowed. “I came here, hoping that there was still a reason for me to. You can try to stop me if there isn’t one. Then again, that might not stop me either. Once I start talking, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop because I haven’t been able to stop falling in love with you from the moment you first gave me that reassuring, crooked smile, like you saw right through me, that day outside the dean’s office when we both were waiting to get our ruined new beginnings.”
Ryan’s lips closed, but he didn’t stop me.
“I wanted to call sooner. I did, and I didn’t, but I really did,” I rambled. I was getting lost again in what was supposed to be coming out of my mouth. “I didn’t know how I’d sound on the phone because I’m terrible at phone conversations, and I wanted to see you. I really wanted to see you. But like I said, I get it if I’m too late. I really made a mess of things. I know that I did. I was just—I was so scared.”
“Why were you scared?” he asked, voice quiet and sad.
“Because you deserve better than me and I feel like you haven’t had the chance to see that. Plus, everything seems to just fall apart around me.”
“That’s not true.”
