Everything was my fault again because who better to blame in the end than me?
I shook my head at Vadika, realizing everything I’d said—everything she’d said. Tears began their descent down my cheeks, and there was no stopping them anymore.
“I’m sorry. I just … I need to go. Good luck in there.” I heard my voice hiccup.
“Lu. Wait,” I heard Vadika call out after me, but I was already halfway down the hall leading back outside, and she didn’t speak up more than a whisper in case someone else might hear.
I needed to get out of this place. I needed to get away altogether.
* * *
I wonderedwhat would happen if I just started to run without a plan.
What would happen if I closed my eyes and kept walking away from BU and the tiny town of Barnett? And went farther and farther and farther away until no one recognized me and I recognized no one and nothing.
Would I end up at the magical house of wayward women, like Gertie had told stories about? Could I look up to the stars and end up at that unknown location they took me to?
I wanted to be swept up by the night sky. I wanted to be taken away, never to return. I wanted to have a reason to keep going as tears caked down my cheeks, but my eyes remained turned down, watching as my feet took me to the single place I ever wanted to be.
Home. Home. I needed to go home.
I stood in front of the Victorian home alongside the river, trying to turn the stupid, slippery brass knob of the door that wouldn’t open.
Nothing was working.
The door whipped open at my struggle, and I nearly sobbed in relief as my hands fell to my sides.
“Luella,” Gertie exclaimed, shock and worry coating her voice. “What happened?”
“I just wanted to get away. I closed my eyes and wished that I would end up somewhere else, be anyone else, like that home you were taken away to when you had nothing left.”
“You have so much left, Luella.”
“I asked the universe to take me home.”
Gertie inhaled with understanding as she wrapped her arms around me, leading me inside, where it was warm. “You’re home now, Lu. You’re home.”
And yet I still couldn’t help but feel empty.
23
Ishut off my phone after I couldn’t stand watching the fact that there was never an incoming call from Ryan. Maybe he’d fallen asleep from exhaustion. I had too.
I slept until eleven the first day.
Then, I did it again.
Usually, anytime past eight in the morning, and I felt as if I’d wasted the entire day. I’d had so much to do. I had things to plan and Vadika to see and deliver coffee to, if I didn’t have any classes until noon.
Now, in the past week, I’d had none of that. My professors didn’t seem at all concerned either if I showed up to classes or not after I sent them brief emails that I wasn’t feeling well. Most of my work for the upcoming quarter had already been submitted, they said.
So, they didn’t need me either.
I knew, eventually, I would have to make the walk back up to campus. I would have to go back into the room I hated more than ever, knowing that all the hard work, time, and energy I had exerted likely still laid in pieces over the ugly throw rug Natalie had bought. There was only so long I could wait before I cleaned the assigned space out, packing away the postcards Vadika had sent to me from her family trips to Europe and Asia, which lined the back edge of my desk, and folding the twin-size bedsheets that scratched my legs, unlike the ones at Gertie’s, which I laid in and tried not to move, no matter how hard the sun streaming through the sheer curtains pushed me.
I knew I could only roll over so many times before I ended up on the floor. My legs tangled in sheets and the large shirt I’d finally changed into the last time I woke up to Gertie knocking on my door, promising that it wasn’t all as bad as it seemed.
But it didn’t matter if it was or it wasn’t. It didn’t matter if I felt guilty enough from ignoring Gertie then or when I’d sat silently next to her outside with my knees in the dirt in the vegetable garden as she prattled on about how fresh air was good for me.
