Late April it might be, but the weather was still chilly. Cassie was curled up on Finn’s sofa in front of the fire, finally enjoying their long-awaited Saturday night.
‘It’s weird, all my life I was afraid I couldn’t do anything useful, but that’s not true. I just say to them, “This is the magic space where nothing can go wrong,” and all this stuff comes out that they’ve never dared share before in case they’d be mocked. Sorry, I’m ranting.’
Finn refilled their glasses and stroked her cheek with the back of his hand.
‘Not at all, I’m proud of you. You’ve gone from dog walker—’
‘Impostordog walker toimpostorteacher.’
‘To managing a class full-time on your own for a week. That’s really something.’
‘Do you really think so? I’ve been waiting all week to tell you. I just hope when Miss Upton gets back, she won’t try to squish all of this. What I’m hearing about her is a bit iffy, even though they’re all being super diplomatic, now I come to think of it.’
Did she imagine it or did Finn momentarily flinch?
‘Finn, are you OK?’
He seemed to be processing her words, but he was inclined to do this, wasn’t he?
‘I’m sure whatever hits you, you’ll be able to handle it,’ he said at last and the moment passed.
‘God, I hope so, Finn. How long does it take to feel real? I’m thirty-seven and I still feel like a fake.’
‘Don’t ask me, I’ve always had impostor syndrome. But maybe that’s because my parents left us to it, they weren’t big on encouragement.’
‘You mean they weren’t around?’
‘My dad had businesses – property development, conservatories. He’d his finger in that many pies, and my mother did the books. They were what you’d call a power couple, I suppose. I mean, we were fine, we’d plenty of minders and babysitters.’
‘And what was that like?’
‘I used to spend time in my room making models. We lacked for nothing .?.?.’
‘Except what you really needed. Like, being noticed.’
It made sense that despite Finn’s urbane exterior, sometimes she found herself searching for him as though he were stuck at the bottom of a deep well and she were calling down to him.
‘Well, I notice you.’
‘You don’t know how much that means.’
Cassie was surprised at the intensity in his voice.
‘We never felt ignored. The opposite. Mam kept coming up with business ideas, like her party catering company Party Poppers – you can imagine what that got changed to. I remember myself and Maxine shelling prawns for hours till our hands went red and chapped. Still, I remember it being fun. Crazy, but fun.’
Finn did his sudden laugh then became serious. ‘Promise me you won’t let that school turn you into something you’re not.’
‘Why would I?’
‘Don’t give up on your dreams.’
‘What dreams? I dreamed of being a TV star and going to red-carpet events in spangly frocks and having my photo in the tabloids and going on those silly ITV quiz shows for celebrities, but it hasn’t happened. I never got past the stage of being “pencilled in”, which is a nice way of saying “fuck off”. I couldn’t keep that up, it was just too painful. At some point I had to find something to make myself useful. That’s the one thing I’ve loved about the past week. Maybe being a star wasn’t something fate had in store, but this is OK, it really is, so please don’t make me second-guess it.’
‘I wouldn’t do that for the world. I see you as this beautiful, kooky free spirit. There are too many people who’ve given up on their dreams.’
Cassie couldn’t help wondering who he was really talking about.
‘You make me sound like Jennifer Lawrence falling up the steps for her Oscar. Can we stop talking about work now? It’s just us and Thor, and I want to relax.’
