I leaned my head on her shoulder, and she put her arm around me.
“For the longest time, we were both stuck in our grief, both drowning. I surfaced, but I never knew how to help you. Any time I tried to help, you would run off.”
It was true. I had carried my past around with me, refusing to set it down. “I think I was worried at first about facing it. Now I'm worried that setting it down will betray them somehow. What if it means I forget them?”
Nan patted my head with her hand, smoothing my hair. “You can keep the good, and sometimes you can be sad. But honey, you can’t live in the hole of grief forever. You have to climb out.” Nan leaned her head on mine. “And it’s a climb. I’ve been praying for someone to come and show you how amazing you are. To help you let go of the past and be truly happy. Just as you are.”
I rubbed my hands on my PJ pants. “It felt good to talk to Scott about it, even though I haven’t told him everything. He has been patient and happy with what I share.”
“What are your thoughts of London and finding your worth?” Nan asked.
“I’m not sure. I’ve found that I might not mind this town as much as I thought. I think it was so hard as I was grieving, andeveryone wanted to talk about things I wasn’t ready for. It was easiest to push them all away and be angry at them for not letting me forget it.”
“Anger, grief, and running. Marissa, that’s heavy to take with you everywhere. You need to stop thinking about everyone else and think about yourself. What do you want your future to look like?”
I pulled my knees into my chest and thought. “I don’t know yet. Anytime I tried before, all I could see was a bunch of cats or something?” I rested my chin on my knees. “I knew you would eventually die and leave me. It was safer to plan on being alone.”
Nan sighed. “Mar, you have so much to offer this world, you just need to see it. What are three things you love about yourself?”
I fought the urge to be self-deprecating and looked a little deeper. “I love living with you.” I bumped into her with my shoulder. “I loved bringing the community together with the trunk-or-treat. I love how Scott makes me feel.”
“Those are all wonderful things, but Mar, those are things you do. What if you did nothing? What about on the days where you just exist? You need to love that girl too. The girl that isn’t based on a to-do list.”
Wow. That felt like a big ask. I closed my eyes.
“I’ll try.”
“That works for me. Alright dear.” She patted my hand. “I’m going back to bed. I’m too old to keep the hours of young love.” She kissed me on the cheek and heaved herself out of the couch and waddled towards her bedroom.
“Nan.”
She stopped and turned.
I looked up at her kind eyes and wrinkled beautiful face. “Thank you. Thank you for raising me, and loving me, just how I am.”
“That, my dear, has been one of my life’s greatest pleasures.” She winked and went to her room.
Maybe Nan was right, maybe it was time to drop some of theweight I had been carrying. Counseling wouldn’t be a bad idea. I should text Faith. I wanted to face my past so I could love my future.
I checked my phone. I had a message from Scott. I wrapped myself up in a blanket as I opened it. It was time. Time to be honest with myself and him. It would be worth the work of facing my past if I had Scott as my prize at the end. Regardless. It was time to let some of the pain go.
I opened my text.
Scott: Would you come to Thanksgiving with me and meet my family this Thursday? If not, can I come wherever you'll be?
Yikes. Meet the family. What if his family didn’t like me? I pushed back my doubt. It would take time to learn to trust and love, but I was ready for the chance to try.
Marissa: I would love to come to Thanksgiving with you.
It was time to tell him and stop running.
Marissa: Scott, I need to tell you something . . .
I hit send the same time a text came through.
Scott: Marissa, I love you.
Wow! I leaned back on the couch smiling so wide my face hurt.
