Paisley wraps herself around my neck. She kisses me, and at that moment, I know I want to experience another hundred such moments with her, another hundred Christmases when I can make her happy.
We spend the rest of the day with my dad and a few board games in front of the fireplace. Eventually my dad makes his way to the hot tub and Paisley gets a call from Gwen.
“Hey. Merry Christmas.”
I can hear Gwen’s voice. She sounds excited and is talking a mile a minute. Paisley is frowning. Then she says, “Hold on. I’ll have a look.”
“What’s up?”
“One sec.” Paisley’s jaw is tense while she types away at her phone. She looks completely panicked, and I can’t bear waiting, so I look over her shoulder. Her phone opens a website, but our internet is a disaster because of the snowstorm, and it takes ages to load.Finally, the front page of theUSA Todaywebsite opens, and there we are, Paisley and I, on the very first post, our hair ruffled, lying on our bed of hay, huge.
Finally Revealed! Knox Winterbottom’s Heart Beats for This Figure Skater!
I look at Paisley.
I take her in my arms.
But it’s too late, she’s already falling.
36
Your Love Roars Louder Than My Darkness
Paisley
My phone slips out of my hands and lands on the parquet with a dull thud. Knox’s breath is audible. My knees are wobbly. I stand up, feel like I’m about to buckle, then, do, and stumble over to the sofa. I sit down, listen to my heart, my heart that’s beating far too fast, and look at my hands. They’re trembling. I knead every single finger, try to calm myself down, but I can’t do it. My whole body is shaking.
“Hey.” Knox sits down next to me. He takes my hands in his and turns me so that I have to look at him. “Slow your breath down,” he says. “You’re hyperventilating.”
I try but don’t manage. Knox places one of my hands over my stomach. “Breathe through your stomach. Against your hand. Exactly. Concentrate on taking long, deep breaths, in through your nose, out through your mouth. Try again, even more slowly. You’re doing great.”
The tingling sensation in my hands and feet begins to lessen somewhat. I run my hand over my neck and realize I am covered in sweat.
“I’m going to call Jennet,” Knox says. “However this happened…it shouldn’t have.” He pulls his phone from the pocket ofhis jeans and scrolls through his contacts. I feel dizzy. I don’t feel present. Everything around me is swirling into a blur, and all I can hear in my head is:I’m done. I’m done. I’m done.
“Hey. Yeah, this is Knox. Listen, there’s… What? I don’t care, and even if you were having breakfast with the President of the United States I wouldn’t fucking care. You stay on the line. Good. Have you checked your messages?”
I hear a ‘no.’ Knox stands up and walks back and forth between the standing lamp and the Christmas tree, where he’s reflected in the wine-red Christmas balls. His body looks immense, his legs three feet long.
Take a good look at him, Paisley. Take a good look at him. Who knows how much longer you’ll be able to.
“You were supposed to take care of the photos that were taken of us, Jennet. Of me and Paisley, yeah. In the stable. You said you’d make sure that every single picture would disappear. Did you? Really? So, how comethatgoddamn photo was published inUSA Today?”
I’m sitting on the sofa, staring into the distance. I feel like this is it. My time in Aspen is over. That’s it with iSkate.
That’s it with Knox.
I knew it. From the very beginning, I knew that I wouldn’t get that far. By now at Skate America, everything would have come out. All the same, I came here in the hopes of feeling talentedat least once, of seeing Skate America from insideat least once. It was obvious that Ivan would find me. As was the fact that I’d have to go back. I’m not made to accomplish things. I’m made to exist, to suffer, and take what life is willing to give.
How could I have ignored all that?How dumb, I think.How dumbto believe that I could have a future with someone like Knox. It’s time to look reality in the face. Maybe I’ll make it to Skate America, so I’ll just use this time, enjoy it in order to have memories I can think back on in order to survive somehow later on.
Knox curses. “Then a picture must have slipped through byaccident? Jennet, are you aware of what you’re supposed to do in your job?Is it clear to you?”
Jennet mumbles something I can’t make out. Knox has run his hand through his hair so many times that it’s sticking up all over. “Then make sure that picture gets destroyednow.” Knox is steaming. “I DON’T CARE HOW DIFFICULT THAT’S GOING TO BE! THAT PICTURE COMES OFF THE WEBSITE OR YOU’RE DONE, JENNET, DONE!” He hangs up, throws the iPhone onto the sideboard next to the front door, and walks over to me. The sofa sinks when he sits down. “Paisley.” He pulls one leg up and leans sideways into the cushions, his elbows against the back of the couch. “Tell me. Tell me what that guy’s got on you.”
I shake my head. “How…”
“You’re safe with me. You know that no one can touch you here in Aspen, babe. Unless you’re running away from something else.”
