At the word ‘babe’,everything in me tenses up. I can hardly bear the idea that any day now could be the last one he calls me that. The thought that he could callsomeone elseby that name steals my breath.
I consider telling Knoxeverything. But then he’d know that our relationship has an expiration date. Then he’d know that, soon, we’d never see each other again. Can I burden him with that? Isn’t it enough thatIhave to live with that awareness? I shouldn’t ruin his joy about the time we’ve spent together, really, but there are things that feel so terrible you just don’t want to carry them alone. Moments that hurtsobad, all you want is to be taken by the arm and consoled or built back up.
I take a deep breath in order to tell him everything, to tell him what I did—then the panoramic window slides to the side, and Jack comes in from the terrace. He is wearing a fluffy bathrobe and waving a paper in the air. I only see the red circle next to the small font, but that’s enough. “Did Jennet arrange this?” His tone is easygoing. I think he’s happy about it. Of course he is. It’s good publicity for his son. He puts the paper down on the island in the kitchen and pourshimself a tea that I’d prepared. “William’s snow rides and his stable are mentioned by name. I’m curious to see how often he’ll bring that up at the next town hall. This must be the best Christmas he’s had in three years, when his favorite butter-popcorn topping came back onto the market.” Jack blows into his tea and casts us glances over the rim of his cup. We don’t react. “Why do you both look like this is round two of Christmas dinner with Aria and Wyatt?”
I don’t say anything. Knox doesn’t either. Jack sips his tea. The slurping sound drifts through the vast living room. The saucer rattles as he puts his cup back down. “Okay,” he says, drums his fingers across the granite a few times and then points behind himself with his thumb. “If something comes up, I’ll be in the sauna.”
He goes and Knox looks up at me. Waiting for an answer that just a few minutes ago I was ready to give. But in the meantime that window has closed. In the meantime my head was able to get rid of all the emotional ups-and-downs and make a case for rational decisions.
I smile. Put a hand on his arm. “It’s all good. It’s just…I don’t like attention. But if I want to be by your side, I better get used to it.”
Hard to say whether he believes me. I don’t think so. But he doesn’t push it, doesn’t force me to talk. Instead, he puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me to him. I bury my cheek into his chest, enjoying the soft fabric of his knit sweater and the fresh scent of vetiver, and convince myself that everything is going to turn out fine although I know that can’t be true.
“We’ve got to live, Paisley.” Knox is making circles on my upper arm with his thumbs. “We’ve got to live, no matter how many times our world threatens to go down.”
37
Happy New Year
Paisley
“Eggnog?”
“Oh, yeah. Thanks, Gwen.”
She plops down onto the bench next to me. The pom-poms of her cap are dangling to either side of her face. It’s New Year’s Eve. It’s been a few days since that photo of Knox and me was published, and every morning I wake up in a panic that it could be my last.
“Okay. It’s New Year’s, Pais. We’re all here together. What’s going on with you?”
I take a sip of my eggnog and swallow a clump of cream. “What do you mean?”
“For days you’ve hardly been reachable. At iSkate, you hardly give me a chance to talk to you because you’re training nonstop like you’re obsessed. No offense.”
“Of course.”
She pulls up her legs. Snow trickles off her boots onto the bench. Her eyes dart in my direction. “Sooo?”
I look over at Knox who is standing next to the fire while William attempts to explain that he shouldn’t hold his marshmallow directly in the flame. In his mad gesticulations, his marshmallowlands on his shoe. Knox laughs, the fire lights up his face. I have rarely felt so warm.
“Have you ever felt that you are so happy, happier than you’ve ever been, but you know that it can’t last? And then your whole body quivers with fear, and every one of your nerves is tense—right about to snap—because you’re waiting for everything to come crashing down, for everything to be over, and you can accept that, but beforehand you’re so afraid you can hardly stand it?”
Gwen stares at me. “Umm. No. Honestly, Paisley, what’s up?” She looks over at Knox. “Things between the two of you are working out, right?”
I shrug. “Yeah.”
Gwen sighs. She leans back and observes Aria, who is letting herself be served a mulled wine by Dan, the owner of the little ski hut, before spilling half of it on the snow when Wyatt walks past.
“He won’t cheat on you, Paisley. Knox isn’t one of those types. He wouldn’t have gotten together with you if he wasn’t serious.”
“I know.”
She frowns. Her thick brown eyebrows come together, and a dimple appears in her cheek. “You’re not going to tell me what’s up, are you?” When I don’t answer, she nudges my shoulder. “Listen.” She pushes up the sleeve of her jacket and pushes her glove down a little. The woven bracelet from Malila is bouncing on her wrist.
I smile and show her mine as well.
“Look, you and me, we’re a team, Paisley. You can tell me everything. Whatever it is, I’m there for you.”
God, my heart is bleeding. I want to so bad. I want to tell her what I did, how dumb I was, and then I want to cry on her shoulder while she brushes the strands of my hair out of my face. But I feel so awful, so ridiculous, that I simply can’t. My days here are numbered, why should I ruin the little time I have left in Aspen?
