The way to the library was still empty of most everyone. He passed a teacher or two, but they ignored him unless he engaged them. Being a top student did not garner him appreciation from the faculty. Only two instructors had agreed to write him recommendation letters for college. Thankfully he had enough adults at the shelter and the crisis center willing to provide him with glowing recommendations.
The library was dark when he approached, but open. He reached around to flip on the light and do a quick glance to ensure he was alone. Bas went to the counter, opened the third drawer, and pulled a set of keys out from under a stack of envelopes. They were to open the storeroom where extra books were kept and the media room. They weren’t well hidden, but not many people spent enough time in the library to know they were there.
He grabbed a copy of the chem book Adam needed and his calculus text before locking up and putting the keys away. Hopefully the rest of their things would be retrieved from the lockers without damage. He’d already had a half dozen textbooks ruined this year by other students purposely dumping soda on him or kicking the books out of his hand only to smash them in the mud. It was one of the reasons he never left school with books anymore. O’Brien had threatened the last time to make him pay for all the damaged books as though somehow Bas aimed to ruin them himself.
Bas flipped off the lights and shut the door behind him, leaving it unlocked as he exited the library. He turned the corner only to run right into Eddy.
“Skulking around the halls is not a good idea right now, Eddy. The cops are in the office ’cause someone vandalized my locker again.” Bas frowned at his brother. Had he lost weight? Maybe he was just being hyperaware because of Dane’s problem, but he couldn’t help but worry about his little brother. “Did you get breakfast? I can loan you some cash if you want to pop down to the cafeteria for a bite.”
He recalled the many mornings that neither he nor his brother would get breakfast because his parents had forgotten to buy food. It was the reason Bas had begun working odd jobs by the time he was fourteen. He had to make sure his brother ate. He wondered if anyone made sure to look after Eddy now that Bas was no longer there.
“I don’t need anything from you, fag.” Eddy back-stepped several feet like he was afraid to touch Bas.
“Okay, then. Never mind my concern.” Bas shrugged and headed toward the office, not wanting to engage in another fight.
Eddy grabbed his arm. “Are you poisoning Marissa against me? What are you telling her?”
“Not a damn thing. We don’t talk about you at all.” Bas pulled himself out of his brother’s grasp. “The crap I could tell her would fill a book. Maybe then she’d find someone who’s worthy of her.”
“You don’t know me at all.”
“Not anymore. I used to. You used to be my little brother who liked to skateboard and play video games and always asked me to help him beat the bad guy. Now I don’t know who you are.” Bas gripped the books tighter and backed away. He wrinkled his nose at Eddy’s obviously unwashed hair and wrinkled clothes. “Advice on dating: to girls, cleanliness is next to Godliness. Try some soap.”
“As if you know anything about girls.”
“Hmm. Haven’t you heard? Gay guys and straight girls are like two peas in a pod. We commiserate about the hottest boys, the tightest butts, and the best designer labels. Any boy who doesn’t meet the criteria becomes a thing of scorn.” Bas pretended to wipe the dirt off his shirt. “I’m sure the boys’ locker room is empty if you want to grab a shower. Unless you’re planning to slide to your first class on the grease in your hair.”
“Fuck you, Sebastian. Not all of us are fairies who need to put on makeup and glitter.” He shoved Bas. “Just save us all the trouble and leave. No one wants you around.”
Bas squared his shoulders, readying for another push. “You’re a bully now? Shoving people around? That worked really well for Nate and Hank, didn’t it? Maybe you should get some help, Eddy. A therapist or something. I don’t know where this aggression is coming from, but bullying other people like me and Marissa is going to get you nowhere.”
“You stole all that money from Grandma, and I’m the bully?”
“I took nothing from her she didn’t freely give. Did you forget that I was the one who took care of her for the past two years? Made sure she got to her doctor’s appointments, made sure she got her meds, even moved her bedroom downstairs so she wouldn’t have to risk falling? I don’t recall you visiting her once while she was in the hospital after the stroke. Even when I called to tell you that she was dying, no one came.”
Bas’s grief began to rise again. He swallowed it back, refusing to show his brother tears. He’d been abandoned enough, lost enough, cried enough. No more. They didn’t deserve more of his energy.
“Because of you. You did that to her.”
“Nothing I did made her have a stroke. It’s a blood clot to the brain, dumbass, and it can happen to anyone.” Bas sighed, tired of it all. Some days he really did just want to leave Northern and never come back. “I’m no different now than I was before you knew I’m gay. Same guy, same attitude, just a little smarter and a lot less trusting. Gran was who she was. If you knew her at all, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.”
Bas turned away. He should have just stepped around Eddy and not tried to speak to him in the first place. Years of conditioning to worry about someone was hard to break. And now, when he thought about Dane and how his eating disorder might have come from some of the very same things Bas and Eddy experienced as kids? He couldn’t get his mind to stop wrapping around it and comparing them. But Dane was nothing like the angry young man his brother had become. Dane had withdrawn, harming himself. Eddy lashed out, hurting others.
“You should have died that day in the bathroom.”
Bas froze, his brother’s words etching to his core like ice.
“If Adam hadn’t helped, I would have. I heard other guys come in and leave.” Pain arced through his gut with a realization. “You were one of them, weren’t you? One of the guys who left me there.”
“You should have died. There was blood everywhere. Hank cut you up on purpose. Tried to crack your skull on the toilet. Nate stopped him. I don’t know why. He’d been laughing until that point.” Eddy’s voice sounded distant, cold. “They fought over who would get you first. Thought it would teach you a lesson. But that’s disgusting, so I left. They said they were going to kill you. When they left the bathroom, I figured you were already dead. I was so relieved. Mom and Dad wouldn’t fight over you anymore, wouldn’t scream at each other about who made you the way you were and how you ruined all our lives. Everyone at school would stop looking at me and whispering about me because of you. But then you didn’t die.”
Bas turned to face his brother, the shock hard to contain. The books fell to the ground with a hard thud that echoed the breaking of his heart. He could barely breathe.
“You were there? And you let them do that to me? Knew what they were going to do to me?”
Eddy shrugged. “I was just a lookout.”
Tears clouded Bas’s vision. Another stab from his hateful family. God, he wanted another life.
