Bas looked at him, searched his face, for what, Dane didn’t know. But some of the tension faded.
“People might see us holding hands and think we’re more than friends.”
Dane shrugged. “Their opinions shouldn’t define us. If we feel it’s right and it’s not hurting anyone else, it’s okay.”
Bas smiled. “Your therapist tell you that?”
“Yep. He said it’s all about a moral compass. Like some people are broken. They think hurting people is okay. That’s probably why your parents are trying to take things from you. But you can’t let their actions change your compass. You take care of people. Most people don’t spare anyone else a second glance, but I’ve seen more kind acts in the past few days from you than I’ve experienced in my entire life.” Dane squeezed his hand and pointed to a batch of weird-looking roots. “Now tell me what some of these are. They look interesting, but I’ve never tried them.”
By the time they finished at the grocery store, it was almost noon, and Dane was starving. All the produce, beans, and fresh bread they bought gave him ideas. He still didn’t want to eat something he hadn’t made himself, but he was about ready to grab something out of one of those bags and start gnawing.
Dane had paid again and refused to let Bas skimp just to save money on food. Mrs. C talked about recipes and different herbs to try the entire time, educating Dane on plants he’d never seen before, but Bas was still quiet and unlike himself. Dane began to wonder if there was a way to break him out of the funk he’d fallen into. Maybe he could ask Ru or Adam. They knew him better. And Dane couldn’t wait to get back to Bas’s house and start cooking. Maybe making Bas some cupcakes would help.
When they arrived, Adam, Ru, and Mr. C were already there. The garage door was open and grill pulled out, smoking despite the cold.
“I’m so glad we got mushrooms and black beans. I’m sure you’re going to love the black bean burger, Dane.”
As long as he could cook it, he would eat it. He’d had a long discussion with Mrs. C about his food hang-up. She was more than willing to give him cooking lessons, had even told him about some basic kitchen skills classes available at the local community college for continuing education learners. Bas had come out of his funk long enough to add that he loved Mrs. C’s cooking. Dane was all the more determined to learn, if only to bring his new friend’s lighthearted nature back.
He hoped to get the chance to talk to Adam. Bas’s unguarded words from earlier had him thinking, and Dane felt like he had to get the weight off his chest. He didn’t want to choose someone because they were convenient or because they were gay and he wanted to be okay with being gay.Washe even gay? He wasn’t thinking about about anyone’s genitals, and that seemed an odd way to gauge a relationship. His head spun with questions, and he wasn’t sure who else to ask since Bas had withdrawn from him earlier.
Ru and Mr. C appeared through the garage door followed by Adam to help them unload. Dane carried in big bags and boxes like everyone else, setting things on the counter or floor until the SUV was empty. There was meat in the sink in a big bowl. Dane wrinkled his nose at it. He couldn’t smell it, but he wasn’t willing to go near it either.
“Ru picked up some steaks and corn on the cob,” Adam told him as he set down a twenty-four pack of cans. “Mom said you were getting veggies and stuff, so we can throw whatever you want on the grill. Dad even picked up a special grill pan so your stuff won’t have to touch anything that had meat cooking on it.”
Dane reached out to grab Adam’s hand just before he could disappear back to the garage.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
Adam’s eyes widened, but he shrugged and followed Dane to an empty bedroom.
“I’m sorry,” Dane blurted.
“For what?” Adam asked.
“I had this thing for Ru. And it wasn’t fair, and it was totally one-sided. I hated myself for liking him ’cause then I’d have to be gay, right? And who wants to be gay? My dad said I was a sissy and a fag for liking to sing and dance. He used to beat me, saying no kid of his would be queer. I believed him, and it made me so mad I abandoned Ru. And when I first heard about you going out with him, I was angry and cursed you and just wanted to hate you. But now I know you’re a great guy, and Ru loves you, and you love him, and it’s okay. And even if Iamgay, I’m not bad or a sissy or a fag because I like to sing and dance or even cook. And I don’t think about anyone’s parts so I’m not even certain I am gay, but I sort of like Bas and everything about him and am not using him to replace Ru.”
“Whoa! Take a breath.”
Dane shook his head. “You don’t understand. I don’t want to be like this.”
“Like what? Gay? I don’t think anyonewantsto be gay. You just are or you aren’t. It’s not bad.”
“Not gay.Confused. Am I gay if I think you’re attractive? Or Bas, or even Paige? Or that Marissa is going to be so beautiful in a few years that she could be a model? Does that make me straight, that I can see how pretty she is?”
“Why do you have to have a label?” Adam asked. “What does it matter if you’re gay or bi or straight or even trans like Paige? Who are you hurting by being any of those things? And why do you need to fit into a category? Why can’t you just be Dane, the guy who used to sing in Vocal Growth, who likes My Little Pony and vegetarian food? Let your heart decide who it’s going to love, not your body.”
Dane blinked at Adam, trying to sort through all the words. Everyone had to be something, right? Have some sort of label attached to them? That’s why Bas didn’t want to get close to him, because what if he turned out to be straight? And just falling in love couldn’t be that simple, could it?
“How do you know you’re gay?”
“I’m pretty sure it has to do with the fact that I love my boyfriend and he’s a guy, so therefore I’m gay.”
“But do you look at other men?”
“I find other men attractive, if that’s what you mean.”
“And women?” Dane prodded.
