“I didn’t expect him to be so nice. I didn’t want to like him.”
“Because you like Ru?”
“Yeah. In the beginning, at least. When I first heard about them, I got so mad. It wasn’t like when Ru was dating Kris. I knew that guy would never keep Ru. He was too fake. And since I’ve always been a faker, it’s easier to spot another one.” Dane thought back to his many years in VG pretending to be the happy dumb blond everyone wanted him to be. “I think I just got tired of pretending. Angry that what I showed the world wasn’t what Ru wanted. And then I thought, maybe if I’d been real he’d have liked me.”
“I think he likes you just fine. But he’s in love with Adam. For them it was pretty fast. They just saw each other and couldn’t stop thinking about one another. Adam told me about their first kiss, and how it changed everything for him. He was hiding from the world, trying to get through high school unnoticed, and then Ru appeared.” Bas stroked Dane’s back, head leaned against the wall, seeming totally at ease. “Gave Adam a reason to stop hiding.”
“Makes you wonder if there’s someone out there like that for everyone. Someone perfect. And if it’s worth it just to wait.” Dane shook his head. “I’ve been too afraid to even look.”
“I don’t think it’s normally that easy. Sure, we all hear stories. But relationships are partnerships. How can you know from just a kiss or a look that the other person is the perfect partner for you? Now I’m not saying that Ru and Adam aren’t exactly that, ’cause they are. But the chances of that happening have to be up there with winning the lottery. Look at how many people get married and then divorced. They had to have thought at one time they would work as partners, right?”
“Makes sense.”
“And in high school, everyone is just trying to figure themselves out. Find a place to fit in. So the chance of finding theoneis nearly impossible. Doesn’t mean we don’t all hope for it, though.”
“School really isn’t the same when you’re in a band. I like music, but I know that I’m not nearly as passionate about it as Ru, or even Tommy. It was just an escape for me. But it’s not like you meet people or even socialize to discover what else or who else you might like.” Dane thought about the past few months of his life. He’d run to the rehab to escape the world because he had nothing other than the music, had thought that without it, he was nothing. His therapist had said it before, and Dane realized now how true it was.
“I need to find something new to be passionate about. I have to stop focusing on the past, and find a new way to live today.”
“Good idea. Focus is always good. Question is, what do you like?”
“Rainbow ponies.”
“And?”
“Apples and peanut butter. Who’d have thought that would be good?”
Bas smiled, and Dane couldn’t help but return it.
“What else?”
“Tony Stark was funny, even if I didn’t finish watching the movie. I sort of felt like him. I guess I can see why Tommy likes him so much.”
“Rich-boy-saving-the-world syndrome. That’s Tommy, all right.”
“Nah, I think that fits you better. Tommy’s rich, but he’s only there for us. He’s not a unicorn yet either. He’s got no motivation to become a unicorn. At least not yet.”
Bas seemed to think about that. “I suppose. I hadn’t really thought about him that way. I know he’s out partying a lot. Clubs and friends. Ru says he dates a lot, but we never meet them. Guess it’s no one he’s serious about. He makes time for us. That’s important.”
“He’s good people. Still my friend.”
“I hope you have more of those now.”
“Yeah. I like having friends.”
“What else do you like?”
“I loved making rainbow cookies with you. And crepes.”
“That was fun. We can do that again some night after school or next weekend. Make some for everyone. You can stay as long as you want. Don’t think that you have to leave. You just have to tell one of us if you’re having trouble coping. And I think you need to stick with your therapist and whatever meds they have you on.”
Dane glanced away, realizing that Bas must have followed him to the bathroom. “You knew the panic attack was coming.”
“I felt you begin to tense up before you moved. Then when you were gone more than five minutes, I decided to find you. I know how hard nights can be. You did so well today, opened up a lot. Sometime our brain fucks with us extra hard as retribution. Does the program have you on sleeping pills?”
Dane nodded. “They don’t keep me asleep. Just help me getting there. Turn off the internal noise.”
“Me too. It’s worse now that Gran is gone. I’m on a double dose. I know it will get better, but the nights are always hard.” Bas squeezed his hand. “Better now?”
