That brought Elizabeth to stare at her sister with surprise. She thought she had never heard such an unkind sentence from her.
“I never did it foryou,” Jane added. “YouknowI never did it for you.”
“They did not deserve your life. You have given up — you could have fallen in love, and—” Elizabeth started crying. “Oh, Jane, Jane. I am so sorry. But the rest could have managed. I dare say Mama deserves to lose part of her consequence — she suffered mostly from her nerves, her sense of failed hopes, and not from material facts.”
“You and Papa,” Jane replied.
She sat down on the bed again.
She sighed. “You and Papa. Always you two. And then you and me. You love them, but you do not often think of our younger sisters. They were just silly girls to you both. The silliest girls in England. Papa said that a hundred times. But poor Lydia and Kitty, and even Mary… I would not disrupt their lives. And…”
Elizabeth put her arm around Jane.
“You had never fancied yourself in love,” Elizabeth said.
“I thought I could not. I do not think… it is wrong of me. Evil. But I like Mr. Bingley very much. And I must not.”
“It is unfair,” Elizabeth replied.
“I am content!” Jane sobbed. “I have no other choice.”
“You are not,” Elizabeth said. “And I am grieved, so very grieved. And grieved that I asked you to show me your pain. Oh, my poor, poor Janey. It is worse for you by far than for me.”
“It isnot. I am content — zounds, where are these tears coming from. I’ve sobbed so easily since I came to be in this delicate condition. That is why I am crying. Not because I am not content. Lizzy, believe me. I am content.”
“You are content,” Elizabeth echoed, not knowing what else to say.
“How could I not be content? I have no choice. I never shall violate my vows. Divorce is impossible without terrible sin. My current state proves my husband to not be impotent — do not blush,maiden, you know enough, or ought to, to understand this — I will not destroy our family, I will not fail my duties. I made a solemn oath before the Almighty, and I will keep to it.”
“Jane, if I only could take your place.”
“You cannot. And you would have been a fool if you had when it was possible.Ican be content. You never could have been.”
Elizabeth grimaced. “I only wish…”
“That he woulddie? No other wish could change my state. Do you wish that Mr. Collins, like an inconvenient husband in a novel, will conveniently die so that his beautiful young wife might find another lover? Mayhap I shall also miscarry conveniently in your fancy, so that my new husband need not worry about the care of another man’s brat? — The wrongness of such ideas! Such a thought crossed my mind once, but I knew it for what it was — the whisperings of Satan in my ear. I rejected that thought, for it was not part of me, nor of who I am.”
“Jane, my dear, dear Janey.”
“Do not beg me to not be content!”
“I will not. Never again.”
“I become upset so easily. It is my condition, I am sure.” Jane settled on the bed and let out a billow of breath. She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. “Lizzy. Do not worry for me. I see that you still — oh, oh, oh.”
And a beatific expression crossed Jane’s face, she pressed her hand against her belly. “I felt it, I felt it! Like a butterfly’s wings.”
“The child?” Elizabeth asked.
“There, there. Touch me, can you feel it?” Jane smiled so widely.
Elizabeth pressed her hand against Jane’s belly, but she did not manage to feel anything, at least nothing that might not be her imagination.
“My child, moving inside me.” Jane closed her eyes and smiled. “What a thing! What a blessed thing!”
Chapter Ten
It has been frequently claimed that the affections and passions are not easily governed by reason.
