“It was part of it. But it is the part that stuck the strongest with me.”
“He ought not have said so much.”
“He apologized, but I cannot forget it. I try, but I cannot.”
Jane kissed her on the forehead. “You loved to speak with him. I saw enough of you two to see that.”
“We are cursed. This whole family is cursed. It is all so wholly unfair.”
Jane kissed Elizabeth again. “Do not say that. But you are unhappy.”
“I… I wish I could only think of his faults. But I cannot. I become angry when I think of what he said about my station in life, that he could not marry someone with connections in trade, and so little fortune — But he is so sweet with little Emily.”
“I saw.”
“I have never encountered another young man who made me feel like I could simply speak to him. Tell him what I believed and act truly as myself in front of him. Mayhap that is what hurts the most. He saw all the principal parts of my being, and he chose his grief over a wife he insists he never loved and his obsession with station over me.”
“Lizzy.”
Elizabeth pressed her hands against her eyes. “I do not want to be angry. I do not wish to cry. I do not.”
Slow long strokes on her back. Jane kept a comforting hand on her for a long time.
“You always appear so content,” Elizabeth said to Jane. “You cannot be. You must hate being married to Mr. Collins.”
“I do not,” Jane replied serenely, but with an edge. “I am content.”
“You cannot be. Every time he speaks, he is foolish.”
Jane’s lips thinned. “Elizabeth, I beg you to not speak in this manner of my wedded husband.”
“If Papa had not died, you never would have married such a man. You would have married someone worthy of you. Someone who you could love in truth. Perhaps even our Mr. Bingley, I have seen that you like him a great deal. If only Mama had not forced you to marry that awful, awful man, you might have even married a man of twice his consequence.”
“Lizzy! I have feelings as well!” Pressing her hand against her mouth, Jane said, “I beg you to not speak about this matter again.”
Elizabeth’s eyes widened. No. She had pushed Jane too far in her own unhappiness, and it had been unkind.
“I know, I know every defect of Mr. Collins! I know them far better than you. But he is a man who is not bad. He has his virtues, his kindnesses, and he does not deserve your scorn. He did not need to marry me, and much of your present comfort comes from our marriage. I wish you would remember that and… and…”
Jane rose and started to frantically walk back and forth. “Nothing would have come of such an infatuation. Nothing.”
“What do you mean?” Oh. Mr. Bingley.
“Nothing ever could have. Had we met, and had I still been free—” Jane pressed her hand against her mouth. “Nothing would have come of it. I would not have fallen into a deep infatuation. I do not fancy that I am the sort of person who can love, as you love your Mr. Darcy. And Mr. Bingley, I am sure, would have rejected me for the same reasons of our connections and unworthiness that made your Darcy reject you. I am sure of it. I must be — it would have come to nothing. I am content.”
Jane wrung her hands, and her breath came sharper as she walked between the window and the bed. Back and forth. Back and forth.
“Poor Janey, poor Janey.” Elizabeth rose and embraced her sister to stop her pacing. “Oh, it is so unfair.”
“Life oft is unfair. Many die before they are three years of age. Women die in childbirth. The poor cannot find enough to eat. Starvation controls the natural increase of the population. That is what Lady Catherine says. I suppose she is right.Iam supposed to complain? I am healthy, more likely than most tosurvive my birth, well attended, with — I havenoright to not be content.”
“You have every right to not be content. You have as much right to happiness as anyone.”
“I signed that right away when I married Mr. Collins.”
“You should have done no such thing for me. I did not wish you to.”
“Lizzy! At times you can be dreadfully, dreadfully uncaring of the feelings of others.”
