‘Everything okay?’ Lily had been busying herself tidying the already tidy room while he talked.
‘Yeah. Kind of. I mean, yes, great, we’ve just been awarded this high-profile contract in the Middle East.’
‘Great. Exciting.’
‘Yep. But it’s going to mean someone going out there tomorrow and being there the majority of the time for the next couple of months. Dubai.’
‘And?’
‘Yes. Julian wants me to go. And realistically I’m going to have to say yes. Otherwise I might even lose my job, and architect jobs aren’t exactly growing on trees right now. Plus I’m building a career for the future.’Theirfuture, he very much hoped. ‘I won’t have to do this forever. In due course I’ll be able to choose my projects.’
‘Of course. Yep, I totally understand.’
‘Would you mind if we postponed skating? I need to do a couple of hours’ work today. We could meet at around six p.m. before we go out this evening?’
‘Yes, of course.’ Her smile looked a little forced. God, they’d been planning to talk about how she was feeling about her grandmother after skating.
‘I have maybe half an hour now. If you’d like to tell me about how you’re feeling about your granny?’
Lily looked at him and shook her head. ‘There isn’t much to say. I’m fine. I mean, I’m sad, obviously, but, you know, dealing with it. It is what it is.’ And it was like the invisible barrier had come down again.
‘You sure?’ he asked, to try to encourage her to speak.
‘Yes. Everyone gets bereaved sometimes, don’t they? It’s the natural order of things. People do lose older relatives. And everyone deals with it. I’m no different from anyone else. It sounds like you should get going. Why don’t you text me when you’ve finished your work?’
If they were going to be spending the rest of their lives together, they had to be able to talk about stuff. Whether they had three weeks or only half an hour. Surely? He was pretty sure he could talk about anything with her; but surely she had to feel the same way about him.
‘You can still be hurting a lot, though. Grieving,’ he said. ‘And it’s okay to talk about that. Good, even. And about anything else that you have an issue with. Like, your parents?’ Why hadn’t he ever met them properly?
She didn’t look at him, instead focusing with apparent great concentration on doing up her watch.
‘Need some help?’ he asked.
‘Thank you but I think I’ve done it.’ She fixed the clasp and shook her wrist slightly and then smiled at him, but it wasn’t a proper smile.
It felt like they needed to get over whatever this was, and they needed to do it fast, given that he was leaving again tomorrow.
‘I worry that you’re internalising things,’ he said.
‘Nope.’ Lily shook her head. ‘All good.’
‘Really? Are you sure? I feel like stuff’s going on with you, in your head, and you just aren’t talking to me about it.’
‘Honestly, no, I’m fine. Everyone’s different. Not everyone needs to talk the whole time.’
‘Okay, then. If you’re sure.’ God, why did it sound like they were having an argument? They weren’t arguing; they were just talking. Surely? Why had he sounded so arsy? ‘I’m sorry. That didn’t sound the way I meant it to.’
‘Nothing to apologise for.’ She moved to the other side of the room and perched on the chair there, facing him. ‘If anyone should apologise, it sounds like it should be me. Like I can’t be the person you want me to be. Like I should be talking a lot more about things. But, you know, we don’t actually get to spend that much time together at the moment. And it doesn’t feel natural to talk about deep stuff the whole time.’ She stared down at her hands, twisting her fingers together, and then raised her head and looked at him. ‘I feel like I’m maybe the wrong person for you. Or you’re the wrong person for me. Or our timing’s all wrong.’
‘No.No. You’re perfect. I love you the way you are. Obviously. And I hope I’m right for you.’ Was he? Maybe he wasn’t. Oh God. ‘And our timing will improve when we’re both less busy.’
‘But when are we going to be less busy? What if we never are? Or not for a long time? And in the meantime you want me to talk about my feelings and right now I just don’t want to, because we don’t have enoughtimeto talk; we only really have time to have fun.’
He pushed the covers fully back and swung his legs off the bed. ‘We can talk for a bit now and have fun this evening.’
‘It doesn’t feel like that’s enough, though, does it?’
‘It can be enough,’ Matt said.Whyhad he started this?
