Cassie went down the route of talking about her stay in Glasgow and James told her a couple of work anecdotes.
They carried on with the inconsequential chat the whole time through taking Cassie’s bags up to the flat and until they were walking in the park, surrounded only by trees, with no other people in sight.
‘So I thought we should talk.’ James scuffed a little pile of orange and brown leaves with his foot. ‘I kind of wanted to leave it until tomorrow, but I thought we should do it today, so that we have time to say whatever we like, without a plane departure deadline.’
‘Yes.’ Cassie nodded.
‘Actually, if you don’t mind, there’s something I’d like to tell you. I never tell anyone this. Ever.’ He scuffed more leaves.
‘Of course.’ Cassie wanted to hug him but he seemed to have withdrawn into himself physically. It didn’t seem likely that he was going to tell her anything good.
‘The sister I baked with. She was twelve years younger than me.’ God. Past tense. He was going to tell her something really terrible.
James stopped talking.
‘Yes,’ Cassie said, to fill the gap and to prompt him to speak because now that she knew he was going to tell her something awful she just wanted to know immediately.
‘Basically, none of our fathers were around. It was our mother, my older sister, Ella, me and Leonie, my little sister. As I told you before, our mother was an alcoholic, and from when Leonie was little she got worse and worse. Ella and I were terrified that we’d get taken into care, so between us we did everything at home and looked after Leonie. Ella and I were also both determined to have better lives, and we both worked hard at school and she ended up doing medicine at university and I did economics. She went to Bristol University and medicine’s a very full-on degree, obviously, so she didn’t really come home much, and then she met her husband when they were in their second year. So then it was really just me looking after Leonie by myself a lot of the time. I went to university in London so that I could carry on living at home and then I went for the best paid job I could find, which was in finance, so that I could earn enough to buy a flat and support us all properly. Anyway, to cut a very long story somewhat shorter, I really didn’t do a great job of looking after Leonie. She ended up addicted to heroin. I was working long hours. Our mother was completely out of it by then. Ella had got married and had twin daughters, who are eight now. I did my best but I just wasn’t up to the task of parenting Leonie. She died of an overdose five years ago. Our mother died last year.’ He carried on walking, looking straight ahead. This was probably why he didn’t drink much and why he seemed so obsessive about everything in his home being new, tidy and perfect.
‘James. I’m so, so sorry.’ Cassie hurried to keep up with him.
‘I don’t tell people this, ever.’ He was still walking and looking straight ahead. ‘I wanted to tell you to explain why I’m not going to have children. A guilt I have to live with forever is that I hated the burden of having to help parent when I was so young. And a greater guilt is that I failed Leonie. I am categorically not going down that road again.’
‘James. No. You didn’t fail her. You really didn’t. It sounds as though you were a wonderful brother. I mean, for example, your baking. That’s so lovely and caring. You chose your university and your job so that you could look after your family. That isn’t failing them.’ Now was really not the time to talk about his decision not to have children. Maybe there’d never be a time to talk about that. It wasn’t important right now. What was important was trying to findsomewords to try to absorbanyof his pain.
‘It doesn’t feel that way.’ His voice shook. ‘Sorry. Emotional. This is the first time I’ve ever told anyone this in such detail. Ella and I have never talked about it. I can’t talk about Leonie with her. My best friends from university don’t know either. I never invited them over.’
Wow. Huge. Cassie really couldn’t think of anything else to say. ‘Could I hug you?’ she asked.
‘Okay.’ James had been walking with his arms folded across his chest. He stopped walking and lowered his arms to his side.
Cassie put her arms round him. His entire body was rigid. She stood and held him for a long time until eventually he started to relax.
‘It doesn’t sound like you’re ever going to believe this,’ she said, ‘but I can’t think of a time when I’ve heard a story of greater family love. I think you’re amazing.’ She reached up and touched the side of his face, his stubble scratching her fingers.
James lifted his arms from where he’d been holding them at his sides and put them round her.
‘You’re wrong, but thank you,’ he said, his voice rough. ‘And thanks for listening. Come on. Let’s walk again. I know it isn’t exactly the weather for it, but they do great ice creams at the café along here. What’s your favourite flavour?’
‘Salted caramel,obviously, because it’s the best. I just want to say one thing. I think maybe you should tell Ella what you told me about Leonie. And now let’s go and get the ice creams.’
It was dusk by the time they got back to the flat. They’d got their ice creams and walked miles round the park and talked a lot about very unemotive topics. They’d laughed a lot too, and at some point they’d ended up holding hands as they’d walked. It was probably the most memorable walk of Cassie’s entire life. And oddly the best. Except for the fact that they still hadn’t discussed James’s weekend L-word bomb and the fact that this felt like something big except it wasn’t going to go anywhere.
‘I’mknackered.’ Cassie pulled her boots off and flopped onto the sofa. ‘How far do you think we walked? I feel like I’ve done actual exercise.’
James sat down next to her and pulled her feet onto his lap and started on some very skilled foot rubbing. ‘I’d say at least five or six miles.’
‘Really? That’s a long way for an afternoon stroll.’ Cassie leaned her head against the back of the sofa. Unbelievably, because these were just herfeet, whatever he was doing with his thumbs was causing her all sorts of sensations in all sorts of other parts of her body. ‘You’re an excellent foot masseur.’
‘That’s not the only body part I’m good with.’ He did an exaggerated wink.
‘Ooh er.’ Cassie laughed.
And then he kissed her and she stopped laughing and kissed him back.
‘The only reason that I’m not going to suggest cancelling the restaurant and getting takeaway,’ James said two hours later, checking his watch, ‘is that obviously that’s very inconsiderate towards them. We should get dressed and go. And it’s a great restaurant. I think you’re going to love it.’
They were only about fifteen minutes late in the end for their reservation. The restaurant was a French bistro, tucked away in a side street in Notting Hill.
