‘Are you okay?’ Dina handed a mug of tea to Cassie, who was sitting on the sofa in the corner of Dina’s kitchen, and stepped back, hands on hips, and looked very closely at her.
‘Yes. No, not exactly.’ Why hadn’t Cassie ever told Dina about the IVF? Why hadn’t she told anyone? She was going to tell Dina right now, not tomorrow. ‘I did IVF in London and it didn’t work.’ She heard her voice go all high and screechy on the wordwork. ‘With a donor sperm.’
‘Cassie. Honey.’ Dina sat down next to Cassie and put her arms round her. ‘Oh my God. That’s huge. And so difficult. I’m so, so sorry that it didn’t work out.’
Cassie felt tears start to trickle out. Dina pulled Cassie’s head onto her shoulder and then Cassie just sobbed.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said eventually, sitting up straight.
‘Hey, there’ssonothing to be sorry about.’
‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it. I’m sorry that I’m crying all over you now.’
‘Donotapologise. It’s a huge thing, and sometimes huge things are too hard to talk about. I know how affected you were by your miscarriage and what a shit Simon was. It took you a long time to tell me about that after we met, and I got that. And I get now that you didn’t want to talk about this. And I’m honoured that you’ve told me now. You shouldn’t ever have to talk about anything with anyone unless you want to.’
‘Thank you.’ Cassie sniffed. ‘Love you.’ She reached her arms round Dina and squeezed.
‘Love you too. So, and please don’t answer if you don’t want to talk about it, is it too early for you to have decided whether you’ll try again?’
‘Yes, I’m not sure. I think I probably will. I think I’ll probably regret it if I don’t. Although there are obviously other options that I could explore, like adoption. And it was hard.’
They sat in silence for a few minutes, and then Dina said, ‘So were the side effects horrible?’
‘Yeah, they really weren’t great. Physical and emotional. Bloating, sore boobs, bad sleep, all of that, but also I wassohormonal. One day going through a ticket barrier at a train station I was asked for my ticket and I yelledBugger offat the ticket inspector. I was furious that he’ddareto ask me, becauseobviouslyI have a ticket, likelook at me, I’m not a train-ticket-scammer. Honestly. Not exaggerating. But none of that was the worst thing. The worst was thewaiting. Time passes so slowly. You analyse every single physical feeling that you have for possible pregnancy symptoms, even though you know there’s a very strong chance that everything’s actually down to the drugs you took. You count the days to when you’re due to take the test. Time passes so slowly and it’s so hard to think about anything else. And then of course if it’s negative, you’re devastated. Really not great.’
‘I’m so impressed that you did it,’ said Dina. ‘I’mso surethat it’ll work out for you one way or the other in due course.’
‘Thank you.’ Cassie sniffed again. ‘Do you have any painkillers?’
‘Headache from crying?’
‘Yep.’
‘Coming right up.’ Dina stood up.
‘Thank you. And thank you for listening. It helped.’
‘Hey. No thanks necessary.’
‘We have a couple of hours before we need to get ready for the party, don’t we? I might just text James and check that he doesn’t mind if I walk through the garden and then go and say hi to the animals.’
‘It’s so weird that you don’t know him.’
‘I know.’ Cassie did feel as if she knew him, though. She wasn’t sure why she hadn’t really mentioned their phone chats to Dina.
Cassie stood still in her – well, James’s – drive, next to where he’d parked her car. It wasn’t where she normally parked it. It was really strange standing on her own property but it being occupied by someone else.
She should have decided whether or not she was going to knock on the door, speak to James if he was home. He’d texted ‘Np’ – still annoying – when she’d asked if he’d be happy for her to go through the garden to see the animals. He hadn’t said whether or not he was around. If hewashere, would it seem odd if she didn’t say hello on her way past?
Eek. What if he was home and could see her standing here like a lemon? She needed an excuse to stand still while she thought. She took a few steps to the side and buried her face in the blossom of the nearest large bush. It was totally normal to stand and admire flowers for a few moments.
She should have chosen a different bush. This one was beautiful to look at but it did not smell good. It was cloying.
Anyway. To knock or not to knock?
She didn’twantto say hello. After seeing him in Luigi’s a few weeks ago and talking to him pretty much every day now, she’d thought about him a little too much, although he’d been a good distraction from the IVF misery. She was pretty sure she’d be a little awkward around him now that she’d registered all the raw masculinity that he had going. She was fine talking to him on the phone, but seeing him in person would be different.
She was going to be sick if she spent any more time sniffing this bush. Honestly, disgusting. She moved over to the next one along. Better.
