I laughed.Together we said, “Double chocolate brownie, chocolate dipped waffle cone with chocolate sprinkles.”
Mary Lou’s boasted a long, old-fashioned-style counter with barstools and a scattering of high-top tables that were rarely empty from open to close in the summer.It had been years since my ample behind had taken temporary residence on one of her seats.Years of watching my weight convinced me everyone else was watching just as closely.I preferred to indulge my chocolate cravings in private.Where I could enjoy them.As my condo was located directly above Mary Lou’s, it was hardly a trek to take it home.
Once upstairs, I dropped my oversized purse on the bench in my front hall, kicked my platform sandals off, and padded into the living room to sink into the comfiest couch in the universe.
“Ugh,” I grunted.“Pants.”
After effecting a precarious balance for my cone in the freezer, I ran into my bedroom to strip off my designer jeans and asymmetrical lace blouse.I loved that top.It nipped in at the waist just enough to make my hips look juicy and did fabulous things for my very modest bust.
But it could not compete with pajama pants, slipper socks, and one of Hunter’s t-shirts that had long been laundered into submission.I’d already been in the habit of pinching his tees before he passed.I hoarded the rest of them after.At home I rarely wore anything else.
In my bathroom, I scrubbed my face clean of make-up until my freckles shone.I looked younger, sweeter.
And entirely too vulnerable.It wasn’t a look I relished.
I tossed my blouse in the laundry basket and shook out my jeans before tossing them over a chair.The bit of sea glass Daire gave me tumbled onto the floor.
Stooping, I picked it up and rolled it around in my palm, studying it as I headed for my jars on the windowsill in the family room.At the last second, my fingers poised to drop it into the jar with the rest of them, I backed away and slipped it into the dish on my bookshelf instead.
Refusing to examine my actions, I retreated, rubbing the frayed hem of Hunter’s tee between my fingers, and retrieved my cone from the freezer.
“Ah,” I sighed, sinking back into my couch with six hundred calories of therapy.
My home was my oasis, and I didn’t invite anyone here lightly.After moving out of Paul’s place, I spent two months making it perfect for me.Paul had never been there, and there was no evidence of there ever having been an ‘us’.
Noelle and my mom visited occasionally, but Max and Hawkley rarely stopped by.Having been alone so long, I wasn’t all that eager to give up my quiet time.
If my edgy wardrobe, bold, oversized purses, funky shoes, and blue balayage hair portrayed the tough, sassy, take no shit bitch I wanted the world to see, my home reflected someone else entirely.
Soft, buttercream walls surrounded me with light.Plants occupied the sunniest corner, and creeping ivy intertwined with delicate fairy lights stretched across the grand, white fireplace mantel, lighting family photos in vintage antique frames.Large faux fur throw pillows, and cloud-soft, fluffy blankets, nestled in the corners of my couch and both chairs.My home was my nest.
In lieu of a coffee table, I bought a large square stool to rest my feet on.Side tables showcased stacks of books and held table lamps shaped like old-fashioned street lamps.
Candles abounded, inviting me to lose myself in the softness of their light.
Here was rest.
Here was peace.
Here I could let down my guard.
I closed my eyes to better concentrate on the sweetness seducing my tongue.Slowly, I released the breath I seemed to hold all day every day.
I loved my home.
I’d love it a little more if I had someone special to share it with.
But he’d have to be pretty fucking special.
I scrolled through my feed, laughing at the antics of people’s pets, the pranks couples played on each other, and the craziness caught on security camera feeds.My guilty pleasure was watching people fall.I had successfully curated my feed to tickle my funny bone.
So, the following reel came as a surprise.
We see things as we are, not how they are.Leo Rosten.
I snorted.If only.
Closing my eyes, I laid my head back on the couch.God, how I wished things were different.
