He shakes his head at the thought. “One night after work, my boss asked me to come with them to eat. We went into this dive bar and low and behold, guess who was playing?”
“Keegan?” I answer.
“Yep. He was excellent. Passion poured out of his veins when he sang. He had this energy about him that drew people in.”
I stare up at Finn. It’s how I feel abouthim.
“So I watched him. My boss and his buddies complained he was too loud. I listened to them bitch about him for at least twenty minutes before I told them he was my brother. I claimed him. I hadn’t done that in years. You could see on their faces they were embarrassed. They didn’t say another word. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him and I left the group to get a better view. I was proud of him and I needed him to know. After the concert, I forced myself to go see him.”
Finn shakes his head again at the memory, gazing off in the distance, then turns to face me.
“I’ll never forget his eyes when he saw me. He lit up. I swallowed my pride and told him I was proud of him and proud to say he was my brother. He held me so tight, I thought my chest would burst. That was the last time I ever saw him.”
“What?” I ask, taking his hand.
“He decided to walk home that night. It was unusually warm in upstate New York and the bar was only a few blocks from home. Some drunk decided to get behind the wheel and ended up lost in his neighborhood. He couldn’t see straight and was all over the road. He hit him. He killed him that night.”
I feel a tear slide down my cheek. I place myself on Finn’s lap and throw my arms around his neck. He holds me close.
“I’m so sorry. Do you want to stop?” I ask.
He pulls me back to look at me.
“No, I want you to understand. His death changed me. I quit my job and took some time to figure out how I felt about my life. I sat in my brother’s room and went through his things. At the bottom of an old tin box under his bed was a letter addressed to me.”
I gulp down a breath and squeeze my hands together.
“Basically he told me how he’d always looked up to me and how knowing I was there for him always allowed him the freedom to do anything and everything. Then he wrote, and I’ll never forget it… ‘There are many roads in life and we choose which path is right for us. Just remember, it’s not about how fast you get there. It’s the journey that matters most. Live for the journey.’”
He points to his tattoo. “He died on March eleventh. I got this tattoo for him. It’s a constant reminder to appreciate every moment for what it is.”
I place my hand on his face and kiss his lips. He leans his forehead against mine.
“Everything changed for me after that letter. I stopped hating the world and started opening up to it. I forced myself to go out and take risks. I did things I’d never done before. I rode a motorcycle. I went skydiving. I took cooking classes. I danced when I had the chance to dance. And every time I did something new, I swear I could hear Keegan’s laughter.”
He slides out from under me and pulls on his boxers. He sits on the edge of the bed, deep in thought. He rises and turns to face me briefly before walking toward the window. I clutch the blanket to my chest. He turns to face me again.
“The world opened up for me. My positive energy seemed to attract good things. I got my dream job, I bought a flat in the city, and I made more money than I knew what to do with. But everywhere I went, I’d see him. I missed him terribly. I regretted all the years we could have been doing things together. It was too much. So I took another risk and moved to California.”
I smile nervously. “And you met me.”
He sits back on the bed and places his hand behind my head, smiling genuinely. “And I met you. I saw myself in you, Liz. You were dry and sarcastic. You preferred to be alone and didn’t like to talk to people.”
His eyes search mine. “You and I are cut from the same cloth. I could tell you must have been hurt badly to recoil from everyone the way you had. I could almost hear Keegan telling me to take the risk withyou. I knew that if I was patient and kind, I might be able to reach you and show you there was more to life. You became a challenge for me. A project. If I could help you the way Keegan helped me, then I would know I’d done right by him.”
My eyes widen. “I’m a project?”
I see the panic in his eyes as I bolt from the bed, wrapping the sheet around my body. My heart constricts as I attempt to put pieces of our strange relationship into place.
“No, Liz… That’s not what I meant.”
“So all of this has been a test? You wanted to see if you could bring shy, lonely Liz into the light?” I feel the tears in my eyes.
He rushes toward me. “God, no! That’s not what I meant. What I meant was that I saw you. You. What’s underneath that protective shell you wear on the outside.”
“You mean my lizard spikes and scales?”
He takes a step toward me and I step back, holding up my hand to him.
