‘It would have saved us a lot of trouble.’ I shook my head. But maybe we weren’t meant to. Maybe the timing wouldn’t have been right, then, too. ‘What if the reason it’s happened now isn’t to make me change my mind? If it’s so that I go into marriage with my eyes open?’
‘Is that what you really think?’ As he moved closer, I could see the flecks in his eyes, the strands of his hair that were multiple shades of brown.
‘I suppose it’s one of those things we’ll never know the answer to.’ I tried to ignore the effect the closeness of him was having on me; how I wanted him to put his arms around me. To kiss me. I forced myself to break the moment. ‘Tell me about your ex,’ I said a little shyly.
He looked surprised. ‘There’s not a lot to say. Leanne and I were together for eighteen months, living together for about a year… On the surface, we had a nice life. But I’d always felt like there was something missing between us.’ He shook his head. ‘You won’t believe how many times I questioned myself. I thought maybe we were too young. Then I started to think that I expect too much from relationships.’ He paused. ‘But meeting you showed me I don’t.’
As he smoothed a strand of hair behind one of my ears, I felt my cheeks grow hot.
‘You see,’ His eyes gazed into mine, ‘I haven’t felt like this before. It’s why I had to see you again. I needed to know if you felt the same.’
For a moment, I couldn’t speak. It was as though I was standing at the biggest crossroads ever. In one direction lay my big fairy-tale wedding to Gareth, which meant spending the rest of my life with a man I was no longer sure about. While in the other lay a cancelled wedding and the unknown – but with it, freedom.Freedom to see if Adam and I really were something.I felt myself sigh. Was it worth risking everything I had for a man I’d only just met?
‘What are you thinking?’ Adam was watching me.
‘So many things I don’t know where to start.’ This time, I sighed out loud. ‘I know Gareth and I aren’t perfect. But no relationship is – and we’ve come this far. Our wedding is in three days.’ Tears pricked my eyes. ‘It’s everything I’ve always wanted. And now… I’m not sure.’ My voice was husky. ‘Maybe this is just me getting cold feet. So much has gone into making it a dream day. How can I cancel now?’
‘A wedding isn’t about one day,’ Adam said. ‘It’s the start of marriage. It’s about the rest of your life. If you did cancel, people would forget. It’s incredible how short their memories can be!’
I knew he was trying to make me smile, but it wasn’t helping.
‘I bet some of them would think you’re really brave,’ he said. ‘You can’t be the only bride to question herself.’
‘Probably not.’ I thought about what he’d said. And the thing was, I could imagine telling Gareth. But when it came to my parents…
It was as though he read my mind. ‘What is it about telling your parents that worries you so much?’
It was a fair question. Now, of course, I can see it was due to the layers of beliefs engrained in me as I was growing up: my inbuilt desire to meet the expectations of everyone who mattered to me. To be the good daughter my parents had brought me up to be. But back then, I didn’t understand any of that. ‘People matter, don’t they? Especially family?’ I said lamely. ‘What I do impacts on other people.’ I shrugged. ‘It isn’t just about me.’
Adam frowned. ‘When it comes to getting married, I’d say it’s all about you.’ I was torn again. I knew he was right. But it was a step way too far out of my comfort zone – I couldn’t, wouldn’t, let myself see it like that. We sat there, the silence broken when Adam got up. ‘This isn’t fair, is it? On either of us.’
Disappointment washed over me. ‘I guess not.’ I stood up, looking at Adam. ‘I should probably go.’
He stepped closer. ‘I wish you the best, Tilly. Of everything.’ Then leaning down, his lips touched mine.
For a glorious moment, I forgot everything. All that existed was the two of us.You’re marrying Gareth.As the words came into my head, I pulled back. ‘I’m sorry.’ My voice was husky as I gazed at Adam. ‘I’m so sorry.’ What felt like minutes passed, before I turned around. Then without looking to see if he was following, I headed for the door. I fumbled with the catch, then stepping outside, closed it behind me.
As I walked down the road, I fought the urge to look back, to turn back. But I knew deep inside, there was no point.I’m marrying Gareth, I kept telling myself as I forced myself to walk away.I love Gareth. The wedding’s planned, the big day I’ve always dreamed of, that my parents have put so much love, not to mention money, into planning… If I cancelled at this point…
Entering the park, a feeling of relief filled me, as suddenly I felt like a fool. I’d come so close to screwing up my big day – and all for a stranger who’d made me question one or two things. I needed to forget about Adam. Focus on Gareth. Enjoy every second of the wedding; look forward to the rest of our lives together.
Back at home, I carried on sorting the things I needed for the wedding and my honeymoon, refolding clothes I’d already folded without realising I was doing it, until sitting on the bed, I sighed heavily. I needed to get real with myself. Relationships were never perfect. It wasn’t reasonable to expect life to be a fairy tale.
* * *
I watch myself consumed by angst and guilt, feelings I’ve largely forgotten about. That’s what the passing of time does; some of our memories fade. But some things stay with us, are logged in the back of our minds in a place we rarely visit. Until something happens to dislodge them.
I can remember how I felt in the run-up to my wedding. How my fears of what other people might think were only half the story. The fact was, that in agreeing to meet Adam, I was thinking only of myself. How many times did I say I loved Gareth? Words that were easy to say. And there are many kinds of love; I didn’t doubt that on one level, I did love him. But back then, I was young, too self-interested. I suppose I wanted it all. But I was about to learn the hard way what marriage means.
6
The Unravelling
It’s strange, really, taking a look at my life. I mean, faced with that life-changing decision just days before your wedding, would have been enough to fry anyone’s mind. And we went ahead; in between the ups and downs that are part of everyone’s life, Gareth and I were happy – or so I’ve always believed.
Or were we? When it was all I’d known, how could I tell? Butwhat if, I find myself asking again. If I’d called the wedding off and embarked on a different life? Would I have been any happier? It’s one of those questions I would never know the answer to.
‘Tilly?’
