‘Life can be messy, can’t it?’ he said gently. ‘It’s not like you planned this.’
‘I planned coming here today.’ Shame washed over me. ‘I shouldn’t have come here. If Gareth found out…’
‘I don’t know what to say.’ A cloud crossed Adam’s face. ‘You’re the only person who knows what’s right for you. I suppose, in that sense, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says. It’s about you.’
It was almost exactly what Lizzie had said. ‘I know.’ I swallowed the lump in my throat. ‘The thing is…’ I hesitated, not sure how to say what I was thinking, without it sounding like I was blaming him…
‘Go on,’ he said.
I sighed. ‘I suppose until the last few days, I’ve been going around with my head in the sand. Just going along with everything in my life. Then I met you…’ I hesitated. ‘It’s made me look at things so differently.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He paused. ‘Not sorry I met you, obviously. But I’m sorry it’s caused you such a problem.’
‘It isn’t your fault it happened when it did.’ I gazed out at the garden, at the shafts of sunlight dancing through the trees.
‘The timing’s strange, isn’t it?’ He sounded regretful. ‘But I think sometimes people come into our lives for a reason. Maybe to shake our world up a bit – or to show us how to look at things a different way. At least, that’s how it seems to me.’
I looked at him, slightly amazed, that I, Tilly, was capable of shaking up anyone’s world. ‘Is that what I’ve done? Shaken up your world?’
He smiled. ‘Just a little.’
I felt my eyes widen. ‘Oh.’ I didn’t know what else to say.
‘The thing I find about signs,’ he went on, ‘is if we ignore them, they don’t go away. They go on getting bigger – until we can’t.’
I blinked at him. ‘You think us meeting is a sign?’
He smiled again. ‘I think it may be… You’ve certainly made me realise I did the right thing leaving my ex. No doubts, whatsoever. I should thank you for that.’
I was just a little bit speechless.
‘The main thing here is what do you really want, Tilly?’ he said gently. ‘Is Gareth the person you want to share the rest of your life with?’
His words hung in the air. But we both knew, that if he was, I wouldn’t have been there. I tried to imagine what I’d say to Lizzie in this situation, or to fast-forward a few years and imagine I was talking to my son or daughter. What would I say to them? But the answer was easy. I’d want them to be happy.
‘It doesn’t matter. It’s too late,’ I said abruptly. But the thought of having children had brought back the conversation with Gareth. ‘I really do know how mad this must seem. And I’m not a bad person. I just hate upsetting anyone. In fact, I do anything I can to avoid it.’ But even I could see the downside of marrying for the wrong reasons; that ultimately it had the potential to cause just as much upset.
‘Why? You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings.’
I knew I wasn’t. But I had this default setting to always smooth things over. ‘The thought of being the cause of so much upset…’ I broke off, realising this was the crux of my problem. I’d always done whatever it took to keep the peace. But it did nothing to change the fact that too much about my wedding felt wrong. ‘Last night, when I told him I was going to meet Lizzie, he didn’t think to ask how she was. But he never does.’ I hesitated. ‘There’s also this other thing.’
He frowns slightly. ‘What’s that?’
I sighed. ‘I want to have kids – I always have. But Gareth wants to wait – until we’re more settled. But he was less than enthusiastic about the idea. We should have discussed it before. I suppose I never imagined it being a problem between us. But potentially, it is. And if I’m right, it’s a really big one.’
‘I can see his point. When it comes to kids, there’s no rush, is there?’ Adam frowned. ‘Tilly, only you know how important that is to you. But after the wedding, you’ll be husband and wife.’ Adam looked at me. ‘Don’t you think you need to resolve this before then?’
‘There’s no chance of that.’ I sighed. I was twenty-two years old, for crying out loud. Getting married was starting to feel like a trap.
‘This is really hard.’ He sounded hesitant. ‘I’m trying to keep my opinions out of this. But…’ He sighed. ‘You’re asking yourself questions you haven’t asked before. Questions you want answers to, which isn’t easy. But it can only be a good thing.’
‘You think?’ I was desperately seeking answers – he was right. I just wasn’t sure I was ready to hear them.
‘I’ve thought a lot about the timing of us meeting,’ Adam said quietly. ‘I think it was meant to happen – to make both of us look at our lives.’ Time seemed to stop as he looked at me, then slowly reached out one of his hands and stroked my hair back. ‘But also… I have this feeling you and I could be something.’
I stared at him, in that moment imagining calling the wedding off. The relief I’d feel, the freedom I’d have. I’d move in with Lizzie, go on holiday. Begin a life that had Adam in it. But then I thought of my parents, guilt crashing over me. ‘I feel like my head’s going to explode.’
‘Can you imagine, though?’ he said gently. ‘If we’d met earlier?’
