* * *
Terrible, isn’t it, that I thought it was OK to go ahead? But with the benefit of hindsight, I can see how lost I was. How frightened of rocking any boats, even though the signs were there, loud and clear. It was easier for everyone, easier for me to ignore them.
* * *
That afternoon, the sun was shining in a cloudless sky as I left the flat and walked to Adam’s house. My hair was newly washed, and I was wearing a thin cotton dress I’d had for years. Excitement filled me at the thought of seeing him. I was also nervous.And I was selfish, I kept telling myself; going behind Gareth’s back, imagining I could get away with this.
When he opened his front door, Adam looked nervous, too. ‘I was half-expecting not to see you.’
I took in his faded jeans and grey T-shirt. ‘I was half-expecting me to change my mind,’ I confessed as I went inside.
I followed him through to the kitchen. The sliding door was open onto the garden, the room bathed in sunlight. It felt calm and peaceful; it was also a place where no one had any expectations of me, a feeling I wasn’t familiar with – not that I recognised it at the time.
‘Tea? Or would you prefer a cold drink?’
‘I think cold.’ I watched Adam go to the fridge and take out a couple of bottles.
He held one out. ‘A beer?’
‘Thanks.’
He opened them and passed one to me. ‘Shall we sit down?’
Along one wall of the kitchen, the sofa was angled slightly towards the garden. I sat down at one end, as Adam sat towards the other. ‘Cheers.’ He held up his beer bottle.
I clinked mine against it. ‘Cheers.’ For a fleeting moment, I had thatwhat the fuck am I doing herefeeling. But it passed. And I mean, quickly, as again I was overwhelmed by this feeling I had, of the connection between us; my words seeming stilted, reality hovering in the way of us. ‘You’ve finished work for the day?’
He nodded. ‘Work’s flexible. I’m lucky in that way.’
I was curious. ‘What is it do you do?’
‘I’m partly a copywriter and partly a travel writer. It can be unpredictable – but the upside is I can work from anywhere. The travel writing is what I love, though.’
It was the first I’d glimpsed of this free-spirited side of him. ‘You’re away a lot?’
‘A fair bit. I’ve just come back from some of the lesser-known Greek islands. Wonderful places off the beaten track – the kind of places I really like.’
‘Wow.’ While in one sense, I was envying him the freedom he had, on the other, it unsettled me. I couldn’t imagine how it would be to live like that. But until now, I’d never known anyone who lived like that. ‘I’m a bit of home bird,’ I said.
‘That’s nice.’ Adam’s eyes were warm as they looked at me. ‘I think I would be more that way, if I had someone to share it with.’ He studied me. ‘So how are you feeling?’ he asked.
Obviously, he was talking about my wedding. ‘All over the place.’ I gazed into his eyes. ‘Mixed up. Worried that whatever I do, I’ll be making a mistake.’
‘I don’t envy you,’ he said quietly. ‘Usually, my advice would be to take some time out. But I guess in this case, you can’t.’
‘If only.’ I was silent. ‘So much work has gone into planning it. My mum is really excited about it – and it wasn’t so long ago, it felt like my dream day. I mean, the venue is to die for. There are going to be flowers, literally everywhere. I have this incredible dress.’ I paused. ‘Up until my hen night, I couldn’t wait. But now…’ I broke off, my emotions in turmoil again.
He was quiet for a moment. ‘Then why are you doing it?’
‘I’ve asked myself the same question.’ I shrugged. ‘Gareth and I have been together a long time. We know each other’s families and friends. We’re comfortable together – and I love him…’ All of it was true. ‘It’s probably last-minute jitters,’ I looked at Adam. ‘I mean, it happens, doesn’t it?’
He didn’t say anything for a moment. ‘Have you talked to anyone about how you’re feeling?’
‘Only to Lizzie – my sister,’ I said. ‘She knows I’m here.’
‘You haven’t talked to your parents?’
‘God, no,’ I said with feeling. ‘I couldn’t. They’d think I was a terrible person.’ I looked at Adam sadly. ‘That’s how I feel. This isn’t the kind of thing I’d normally do – and what makes it a hundred times worse, is my wedding coming up.’
