It was two o’clock in the afternoon by the time I got out of bed and went down to the kitchen. After making a cup of coffee from our brand-new coffee machine, as I sat at the table, my phone pinged with an email.
It was from my boss. Opening it, as I started to read, my heart sank. After the extended compassionate leave I’d had since Lizzie died, it wasn’t unreasonable that she wanted to see me. But the thought of a meeting tomorrow, just to ‘check up on how I am’, was the last thing in the world I felt like doing.
I pictured my misery like a particularly persistent, self-pitying cloud, before berating myself for being melodramatic. After all, no one had died – at least, not this time. But the end of a marriage was all-consuming, I was finding. There was no short cut. You simply had to feel it.
And I was definitely feeling it. After somehow getting through the rest of the day, in bed that night, under the cover of darkness, a sob came from me. Clenching my fists, I tried to stop it. But then it merged with the grief I’d stored up, for my mother; for Lizzie. How I wished they were both here, right now, when I needed them more than I ever had.
Eventually, exhausted, as my eyelids start to close, I became aware of a voice.
After all these years putting everyone else first, isn’t it time you thought about you?
My heart started to race, my eyes springing open, because it was Lizzie’s voice. But she wasn’t here, I told myself, swallowing the lump in my throat.
The fact was, even three months on, it was still hard to grasp that Lizzie wasn’t coming back. And for the most part, I’d blocked it out. I’d become adept at blocking things out over the years. But thinking of Lizzie again, I was suddenly remembering how towards the end she’d been distracted.
I know it’s a cliché, but it’s true. Life is far too bloody short, Tilly. Look what’s happening to me. But none of us realise until it’s slipping away from us. For all that’s wrong in it, there’s a whole big, beautiful world out there. Don’t ever forget that.
I know,I remembered saying to her, even though the longest Gareth and I had been away together was for ten days to the Costa Blanca.But there’s Gareth’s job to think about. And the twins need me.
Her eyes had clouded over. The twins are in their second year of uni – they only come home for Christmas and holidays. They have their own lives. You can’t live the rest of yours around them, Tilly. And as for Gareth…
There was something about the way she said his name. But as often happened towards the end, another wave of morphine had kicked in and Lizzie had closed her eyes. Whatever it was about Gareth that was bothering her, she never told me.
* * *
The following morning, I put on some make-up and pulled on clothes I hadn’t worn in weeks: one of my smart knee-length skirts and a patterned top, my LK Bennett block-heel court shoes. I paused to stare at my reflection. On the outside, I looked the same as I’d always looked. Presentable, the dark circles under my eyes not quite hidden, my skin pale – done perhaps slightly for effect. But when I couldn’t face going back to work yet, I didn’t want Elizabeth to think I was fine.
As I walked into the premises of Harkness and Matthews, I tried to summon a spring in my step. I fantasised about them offering me a pay rise, as I imagined being able to keep the house – all of it totally ludicrous when I only worked part-time.
We’ve missed you terribly, Tilly. I hadn’t quite realised just how much we all rely on you. Now, the partners and I have been talking… We’d like to offer you a promotion. How does this sound?
To my slightly scattered mind, it was a perfectly reasonable scenario. And for a moment, as I looked around, it was as though I’d never been away. A couple of clients I didn’t recognise were waiting in the reception area; Maisie, the receptionist, gesturing urgently at me before the phone distracted her.
Noticing the time – Elizabeth was a stickler for punctuality – I went through the swing doors and made my way along the familiar corridor where her mahogany-coloured door was cracked open as it always was before a meeting, so that when I knocked, from behind her perfectly organised desk, she could see who it was.
‘Tilly. Do come in. Close the door, will you?’ Her voice was kind. ‘How are you?’
Going in, I did as she said. ‘Not too bad.’ It seemed impossible that in the time since I was last here, my sister had died and my husband had left me.
‘Why don’t you sit down?’ As always, Elizabeth oozed understated glamour, confidence. Her eyes were bright, her skin honey gold, her straight hair newly highlighted and neatly trimmed to shoulder length.
As I sat down, I felt, well, a little bit old, if I was honest. ‘Thank you.’ I waited for her to ask me if I was ready to come back to work.Maybe two days a week to start with, if that would work better for you, but there aren’t many people with your level of experience…
But she was silent for a moment. ‘The thing is…’ Elizabeth looked untypically awkward. ‘Word hasn’t got around yet, but we’re going to be making some redundancies. That’s why I asked you to see me today. I’m under some pressure. But if you come back now, I think we can avoid your job being at risk.’
Shocked, I was swiftly realising things were going to change here, too; that people I knew weren’t going to be working here any more. That I might have a job for now, but I had no way of knowing how long that would last.
Suddenly it occurred to me that if people I knew were leaving, I wasn’t at all sure I wanted to be here. ‘Could I take the redundancy?’ I said on impulse. Then I stared at Elizabeth.What the fuck had I done?
She looked taken aback. ‘Tilly, please. You’ve had a lot on your plate recently. You really don’t need to do this.’
‘Honestly. I think I do.’ I gazed at her, already willing this to be over.
‘If you’re sure.’ She paused. ‘We’ve had a temp here while you’ve been on compassionate leave. As it turns out, she’s very competent. Of course, given the time you’ve had off, she’s had to get up to speed with everything. More than that, she’s suggested all this new software.’ She paused again. ‘I know things haven’t been easy for you. If you’re sure this suits you, maybe it’s for the best.’ A patronising smile played on her lips. ‘There are times in all of our lives things have to change.’
God. How come I hadn’t seen that before? All this time, I’d believed Elizabeth was sincere. But compassionate? She didn’t know the meaning of the word.
Maintaining a composure I didn’t feel, I got up. ‘Thank you so much, Elizabeth. I hope it works out.’
