‘You don’t even like your job,’ Elena said gently.
‘I know.’ But this wasn’t about my job. ‘Gareth and I have been married for twenty-two years. It can’t be over – just like that.’ My voice wobbled. It was a long time to just give up on.
‘Oh Tilly. Gareth’s been a huge part of your life.’ Elena’s voice was kind. ‘I know it must feel like forever.’
Which was nice of her to acknowledge, only from the way she said it, I was fairly sure she didn’t mean it in a good way.
She sighed. ‘But haven’t you ever felt like you were missing something?’
Her question caught me on the hop. ‘Not really. I don’t know… I’m not sure I’ve thought about it. I like my life. Or at least, I used to.’ More tears rolled down my cheeks, but in spite of them, I couldn’t help noticing how lame it sounded, even to me. ‘I guess I always thought he was the one.’
* * *
Hold on a moment. I can’t believe I actually said that. Gareth wasthe one? But it was what I wanted to believe, even after meeting Adam. It was the only way to justify the choice I’d made to marry him – even to myself.
What a mess it was, Tilly, I remonstrate with myself. But Elena was right. That point in my life that was the end of something, as I went forward would also be a beginning. But back then, caught up in the moment, I was unable to see that. Though there was no question in my mind, that Elena got it. She completely got it.
* * *
Elena almost choked on her drink. ‘TILLY. I can tell you this much, he most definitely is notthe one. If he was, he wouldn’t have done this to you. If I were you, I’d get that house sorted straight away. Then I’d move out and get as far away from here as humanly possible.’
‘I can’t do that,’ I said stubbornly. ‘Too many people rely on me.’
‘Oh God.’ Elena’s patience disappeared as she rested her head in her hands. Then she added more gently, ‘Gareth obviously doesn’t.’ She broke off. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to sound brutal, but try to forget Gareth for a moment. Maybe it’s time to think about whatyouneed. The twins are away at uni – and I’m sure your boss will understand if you want to take a break.’
‘I’m already on compassionate leave,’ I said wretchedly.
‘I know – and maybe they’ll let you extend it, especially if you explain why.’ Elena paused. ‘I suppose what I’m saying is that even though it doesn’t feel like it, you do have choices. You could move out of the house today – if you wanted to.’
I gazed at her in horror. ‘There’s no way I could do that.’ She was mad to even suggest it. I had the boys to think of. And my dad. And the home that was filled with so many precious things.
‘OK. Maybe today is a bit extreme. But there’s no reason why you couldn’t pack what you want, find a divorce lawyer – ask someone at your firm, maybe. Then call Gareth and tell him he can sort out the rest. It’s not really on, thinking he can fuck off to live with Olivia and leave everything to you.’ She sounded cross again. ‘Have you told your dad?’
I shook my head. ‘Not yet.’ My heart sank even lower. In my dad’s eyes, marriage was till death us do part. In a million years, he would never get this.
* * *
‘He’s what?’ My dad looked shocked. ‘That can’t be right. What’s been going on, Tilly?’ Almost as though this was my fault.
He’s shacked up with another woman who’s pregnant with his child, I wanted to say. ‘He’s been having an affair. For a while – I’ve only just found out.’
‘You need to talk to him. Sort things out,’ he said, as though it was that simple. ‘Do the boys know?’
‘I’m going to call them this evening.’ I looked at him. ‘I’m sorry, Dad.’ Then I frowned. Why was I apologising for something I hadn’t done?
My emotionally stunted father just shook his head. ‘I have to say, I expected more of Gareth. Most disappointing.’ His face was unreadable. ‘Couldn’t sort some washing while you’re here, could you?’
I stared at him. I’d just told him Gareth was leaving me and he’s asked me to do his frigging washing. ‘I have to go, Dad.’ I paused. ‘Don’t you think it’s time you found a cleaner?’
* * *
As I drove home, I thought about what Elena had said. Brutally honest as they were, I was forced to admit her words made an odd sort of sense. The idea of going somewhere far away from here briefly pulled at me, but once I got home, inside the house, nostalgia had me in its grip again. Everywhere I looked, there were ghosts of family gatherings, the twins growing up, birthdays, Christmases… Not to mention those gorgeous curtains I had made just a year ago. The matching cushions, the year-old, state-of-the-art kitchen that Lizzie designed. The list went on. The thought of leaving it all behind felt like cutting off my right arm.
I put off talking to the boys, as that night, I stayed up late waiting for Gareth to come back, hoping we could talk, until midnight passed, then 1a.m., before I was forced to face the fact that he wasn’t coming home – not just tonight, but any other night. Lying in bed, my heart twisted with anger before the green-eyed monster of jealousy took me over as I thought of him with another woman, torturing myself with images of them together, before the deepest sense of sadness washed over me. We could have tried, couldn’t we? We still could – it wasn’t too late. Maybe that was what I should have said to him – that we should go to counselling. To try and make things work – we were married, after all. No one walked away without trying.
* * *
The following morning, I lay in bed until late. I’d like to have said I was working out what to do next, but my mind felt like cotton wool, while there seemed little incentive to do anything else. Nor did it help that I was still in denial; in spite of what Elena said, hoping Gareth would realise he’d made a mistake.
