At this point, the sadness was clearly visible in her eyes. ‘When my sisters were both married and had their own homes, I felt more and more lonely. But when I considered my beauty and youthful looks, then, at the age of twenty-nine, I still had hopes of finding love and marrying a man whom I loved. Nopporn, you mustn’t think my frank account of my feelings shameful. Love is a wonderful blessing. It is the greatest thing in life. Like everyone else, I liked to dream of love and marriage. I longed for the opportunity to talk about and experience for myself a life in a new world, just as my two sisters had. I longed to have a house of my own and to mix in the outside world. I longed for children, on whom I could lavish the love and tenderness in my heart. I longed for my lap and my arms to benefitanother. And I longed for many other wonderful things which could have been mine if only I had found love.
‘To reach the age of twenty-nine without finding love is bad enough. But for me it was especially unfortunate. Year after year, my dreams came to nothing. My hopes gradually faded, until, at the age of thirty-four, Chao Khun Atthikanbodi came up for my consideration. Chao Khun and my father were very good friends. As he grew older, my father ceased to think very seriously about anything. So when Chao Khun expressed a wish to marry his eldest daughter, who’d been stuck around the house for a long time, he was happy to grant Chao Khun’s wish. He thought, in all sincerity, that Chao Khun’s request was the last remaining chance for me to get married. He feared that if I refused, it would be tantamount to saying no to marriage for the rest of my life. And if that were in fact to be the case, he would have been saddened by my fate. I knew very well that, of all his children, my father loved me the most and sympathized with me in my misfortune. He wanted to see me married so that I’d have my fair share of happiness. He thought that seeing a beautiful woman like me go through life without a husband was more than he could bear. However, he merely advised me and implored me to accept Chao Khun’s offer; the final decision was left to me.’
Her eyes met mine and she smiled, a sad and candid smile. My heart melted before the sadness in that smile and those beautiful eyes.
‘When I learned of Chao Khun’s wish, I was stunned, and when I listened to my father advising me and pleading with me to agree to marrying Chao Khun, I cried. I cried with a mixture of alarm and many other feelings. My father understood me very well. “My child,” he said, consoling me, “I don’t underestimate you. I feel for you very much. You’re the best and most beautiful of all my children. I’m more proud of you than I cantell you. I know perfectly well that a match with someone who is getting on in years, like Chao Khun, is not ideal. I wanted you to marry a man you loved, of a suitable age and family background. But fate has treated you unfairly. It saddens me so much when I think what a wonderful and beautiful girl you are. But you’re nearly thirty-five now. Marry him, my child, marry the man I suggest. Even though he’s old, he’s a good man.”
‘I hardly said a word to my father. I remember that all I did was cry. My father comforted me. He kissed me on the forehead in pity and then left me alone. That evening I dressed myself up immaculately and sat in front of the mirror in my bedroom. For a long while I examined my physical appearance with painstaking care. I still had the figure of a girl, and my looks were without blemish. It was awful to think that this body, still young, fresh and beautiful, would have to be wedded to a man of fifty. Was it true that this beautiful figure could exist unloved and without hope of love? I didn’t believe it was possible. But when I remembered how old I was, I felt alarmed once more. Tears streamed down my face when it dawned on me that Chao Khun’s request was a symbol of the disintegration of my hopes, a symbol that my chances of finding love and marrying a man I loved had all gone. My time was up.
‘For two or three days after, my father didn’t mention the matter. He waited quietly for my answer. I chose what were, under the circumstances, my most rational moments to think seriously about my decision. Eventually, I decided to accept Chao Khun’s proposal.’
‘Why didn’t you say no? You look so young and beautiful, even now,’ I said, in all sincerity. ‘You were sure to find love if you’d waited a bit longer. You really should’ve said no.’
‘You talk as if it hadn’t happened, Nopporn,’ she said with a faint smile.
‘The world is so cruel,’ I groaned.
‘People might be cruel. But if you just look around you right now, the world is lovely, isn’t it?’ She paused and stared at me for a moment. ‘I’m going to tell you the reason why I decided to agree.’
‘I can’t see any reason. I don’t think it could’ve been a very good one.’
‘My dear young man, please don’t be grumpy, and please don’t forget that we’re talking about something in the past, something that has already happened. There’s nothing for us to argue about.’
10
Mom Ratchawong Kirati continued her story. ‘My father’s pleas were one reason why I considered Chao Khun’s proposal with much less bitterness. I knew that if I refused, it would disappoint and sadden him very much. But that wasn’t the main reason. The main reason was because I wanted to. I had had to spend a full thirty-four years of my life in a confined world. I was thoroughly bored and lonely. Even a tiny bird leaves its nest when its wings are strong and flies around seeing the great, wide world. And I’m a human being and fully grown – to the point of being on the downward path – so why should I stay in the same place? I wanted contact with the outside world. I needed a change in my life. I needed something different from what I had been doing for thirty-four years. The only thing that was going to help me achieve this was getting married. I was extremely unfortunate not to have love, but even so, would it have been clever to close my eyes and shut off my feelings to other things which might offer some measure of enjoyment? Since Chao Khun was a kind man, how would I be worse off? He was too old for me to marry, it’s true; but who was it, then, that I was waiting for? I might have waited for somebody, but who? Where was I going to meet him? In fact, he might not even have been born yet, or he might have just died. At the time, I badly needed something real. I decided to resign myself to marrying Chao Khun because that was real. I’ve achieved manyof the things I wanted to. I’m happy that I’ve been able to become acquainted with many new and unusual things in a different world. Even without love, I’m happy enough.’
Mom Ratchawong Kirati adjusted her position and sat up straight. She gave a deep sigh and wiped her eyes with her handkerchief. ‘Nopporn, I feel as if I’ve been asleep, and in a dream, while I’ve been telling you all this. I may have rambled on a bit, so I’ll stop now.’
‘I’m fascinated by your story. It may seem just an ordinary one, but I was absolutely absorbed by it. Can I ask you a few more things? Don’t you think that one day you might be able to love Chao Khun?’
‘I think I’ve told you already that there is no way I can love him. He’s a good man, of course. But what do I want with an old man? He wants to eat his fill and go to sleep, and to enjoy himself in his own manner. He has too little time left to be idealistic about life. He’s not interested in moonlight or even sweet words. He neither thinks nor dreams about beauty. He has no future. Only a past and present. So how can you expect love to blossom? Even a rose won’t bloom on a concrete road.’
‘Happiness without love? Doesn’t that seem rather sterile?’
‘Nopporn, don’t tie me up with so many questions. I can’t breathe. Give me a bit of freedom.’ Her eyes met mine and she smiled gently. The sadness in her eyes had gone, to be replaced by a lively sparkle. She took out a mirror and spent a moment doing her face and hair. I looked at her closely and sensed my own desire.
‘Are you happy today?’ I asked, my voice shaking slightly. She gave a slight nod by way of reply, and in her sideways glance there was a look of incalculable danger. It fuelled my desire.
‘It’s getting late, Nopporn. We’d better start getting ready to go back.’ She began to get up. ‘Ooh, my legs are numb from sitting down too long. I’m hardly going to be able to walk back down.’
‘I’ll carry you,’ I said. I got up and put my arm around her to support her. She declined my assistance in a quiet voice, but I took no notice. When she was on her feet, I was still holding her arm and standing close to her. ‘Are you really happy?’ I asked again.
‘Looking down on the stream from up here, I feel as if we’ve come up a very long way. I’m still wondering how I’m going to have the energy to get back down.’
I moved closer to her until our bodies were almost touching. Mom Ratchawong Kirati leaned back against the cedar tree. I knew that both our hearts were pounding fiercely.
‘When we get down there, I’m going to do a sketch with two figures,’ she said.
‘I’m so happy when I’m this close to you.’
‘And when are you going to let go of me, so that we can get our things together?’
‘I don’t want to be any further apart.’ I drew her body up close against mine.
‘Nopporn, don’t look at me like that,’ she said, her voice beginning to tremble. ‘Let go, now. I’m strong enough to support myself.’
I buried my face against her soft pink cheeks. I no longer had the strength to restrain myself. I held her close to me and kissed her passionately. For a moment I was unconscious, lost in oblivion.
