I bit my lip.
‘I don’t know, sweetie, I’m sorry.’ He looked so disappointed that I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want to make a promise to him that I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep.
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, I don’t know what everyone is looking so morose for.’ My mother’s voice cut across the table. ‘Fallon has to look after her business and is doing what she needs to do. Clients can be difficult, but that’s their prerogative when they’re paying the bills. Chin up, darling, it’s just a little trip to London, not to the gallows. If you’re going to be successful, you need to learn to juggle.’
I was irritated by her patronising tone of voice.
‘Like you did, you mean?’
‘That’s right. I suppose you’re insinuating that I didn’t do it well, that yousuffered? You were always fine, and Ihadto work – to put food on the table and then to send you to an extortionately expensive school, not to mention for my own sense of pride and well-being.’
‘I wasn’t fine, you know,’ I said calmly, aware that everyone was listening, but prepared to have this conversation with an audience rather than continuing to bottle up the truth. ‘I was lonely, and I hated being palmed off on your random acquaintances.’
‘That was only for a few years, until you went away to school. And anyway, my “acquaintances”, as you call them, were wonderful. Look at Jason! So relaxed and never minded the late nights.’
‘Do you even know Jason’s surname? Did you know it then? Jason was relaxed because he smoked so much pot – and he offered it to mewhen I was ten.’
‘Jason was the most marvellous character – he would never have harmed you.’
‘Jason was a criminal.’
‘What twaddle. He was awfully charming. Anyway, I don’t know what suddenly makes you the authority on motherhood. You’ve clearly chosen your career and that is fine, darling. I applaud you. Sometimes, you have to disappoint people to work,that’s just how it is. Theo, you’ll be all right, won’t you? The rest of us will be here cheering you and Douglas on.’
Theo nodded miserably but didn’t speak. It was at that moment I made up my mind.
‘Don’t worry, Theo. I will get back, I promise.’
He looked up, his face brightened as if the sun had come out.
‘Really?’
‘Really. It’s only a few hours on the train and the event’s tonight. Of course I’ll be back, I wouldn’t miss it.’
Constance put a hand on my arm.
‘Not too knackering for you, all that travelling?’
I could have cried at her concern. Why couldn’t that have been Mum’s line?
‘Not at all, it’s only once. And maybe there’s a possibility of a few Fat Rascals to take with me? They’ll give me plenty of energy.’
‘I’ll pack them up for you now,’ said Coco. ‘And Mum’s going to teach me how to make them, so there will be a fresh batch waiting for you when you get back.’
‘There you go,’ I said, smiling at Theo. ‘If I needed any more motivation, that’s certainly it. Right, I’d better go and get my stuff together and check the train times.’
Mum looked up, a sour expression on her face.
‘Maybe you could put some thought into our engagement party on those long train journeys, darling.’
I gave her my sweetest smile but left the room without replying. It was only when I was alone that I buried my face in my hands. How on earth was I going to keep all these people happy?
As I was gathering some things into a bag, there was a tap on the door.
‘Come in.’
It was Alexander.
‘How are you doing?’ he asked.
