‘All right, thanks. There’s a train at quarter past ten to King’s Cross, which only takes a couple of hours. I was just about to look up the number of a cab firm, or can you recommend one?’
‘Don’t be daft, I’ll run you into York.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Of course. Constance will take Theo to the sanctuary in her car.’
‘Thank you, that would be great. It already feels weird to leave you all behind to go to the sanctuary and deal with the Christmas Fayre while I head to London. It feels a long way away.’
I was overwhelmed with a confusion of feelings and stared into my bag, unable to corral my thoughts and decide what else I needed to take with me. Alexander pushed the door shut, came over to me and slid his hand around my shoulders.
‘We’re going to miss you.’
I looked up at him.
‘I will do my absolute best to get back for the Nativity. I’m sorry that Theo is so worried about it – I had no idea how much he wanted me there.’
Alexander gave my shoulders a squeeze, then dropped his arm and stepped away.
‘He has become attached to you very quickly,’ he said evenly. ‘I’ve been surprised – it’s unusual for him.’
Not sure how to respond, I slipped through the curtain and down to the bathroom to give myself some breathing space. I grabbed the toothpaste to give myself an alibi when I returned – unnecessary as I had plenty at home in London – and sat down on the edge of the bath for a moment, gazing through the window at the beautiful but bleak moors. Having Alexander’sson become attached to me was not something I would have even dreamed of, let alone encouraged, and now that it had happened, I wasn’t sure how I felt. Scared I may be, but even so I had a responsibility to Theo, not to let him down. I liked him so much, and I couldn’t deny that I had an odd feeling of what I can only describe as protectiveness towards him.Well, that’s normal,I told myself, standing up and taking some deep breaths.You’d feel like that towards anyone you liked – adult or child – particularly if you knew they were a bit vulnerable. It’s not pretending to be anything you’re not, just – kind.Feeling slightly better for this pep talk, I went back up to the bedroom, brandishing my toothpaste.
‘I think that’s everything,’ I said, aware of a slightly false brightness in my voice. ‘I will make sure I’m back for the Nativity tomorrow.’
Alexander nodded and we headed downstairs. Coco presented me with a food parcel that would last a week rather than a train journey and I said my goodbyes, getting an extra hard squeeze from Theo and a brave smile coupled with troubled eyes.
‘You will be back tomorrow?’
‘I’ll be back tomorrow. See you then.’
Once Alexander and I were on the road, I spilled out what had been worrying me.
‘I’m not sure I should have made that promise to Theo, that I’ll be back in time. I mean, I should be, but now I’m feeling terribly anxious that something will go wrong.’
Alexander glanced at me.
‘It’s difficult with kids. You want to make everything right for them, but it’s only too easy to make promises you can’t keep. I’ve done it myself plenty of times, but it gets easier. When Holly – Theo’s mum – left, it was almost impossible to get it right, and she broke promises almost faster than she could make them. Ifelt complicit in that. She would say she was coming to visit, I would tell Theo, and then she wouldn’t turn up, leaving him with a strong sense of betrayal from both of us. And then she died, which at least stopped the uncertainty, but also robbed him of any hope.’
I dabbed at a tear that was threatening to fall.
‘That’s so awful, I’m sorry. I honestly don’t know how you do it. I mean, I don’t know the first thing about parenting, but in those circumstances…’
He shrugged.
‘It was hard. Parenting is hard, but amazing as well. And I wouldn’t say you don’t know the first thing about it.’ I stayed silent, unsure what he meant. ‘You’re good with people, Fallon, sensitive and warm. Children are people too. I mean, I know it’s a bit more complicated than that, but that’s what’s at the heart of it.’
‘It’s the ‘more complicated’ part I struggle with,’ I said. ‘What aboutwantingto do it, being prepared to take on the complications? I do deal with other people well, but I go home at the end of the day and have my space and time, without worrying that they’re suffering because of that.’
We pulled into the car park, and I went to open the door, but Alexander’s hand on my arm stopped me.
‘I hope it goes well in London. I’ll text you about the Christmas Fayre, send some photos.’
I nodded, wondering if we were going to kiss. But neither of us made the move.
‘Do,’ I said, pushing down a sudden surge of disappointment. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’
I stepped out of the car and headed towards my platform – back to London and doing what I did best.
