Hutch:Can you talk?
Jillian:Of course.
I stared at my phone for what felt like forever. How was I supposed to tell Jillian what I was thinking? That I wasn’t good enough to raise my daughter. That I’d been thinking about taking my life when she wasn’t around, but was afraid that Hazel would be the one to find me, and I couldn’t put her through something like that. I had given up on therapy because of Madison raging on me, and felt worse than ever.
Jillian:Hutch? Do you need me to come over? Just say the word, and I’ll be there.
Hutch:No, you don’t have to do that. I’m scared, Jilly.
Jillian:What do you mean? Don’t say things like that because now you’ve got me worried.
Hutch:I don’t want to do that. I’m just having a bad night. How do you not hate me for everything?
Jillian:I could never hate you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me.*heart emoji*
Jillian:Are you sure you don’t want me to come over? It won’t take long.I won’t even pack a bag.
Hutch:Just knowing you’re here for me right now is the only thing that matters. Good night, Jilly.
Jillian:Goodnight, Hutch.
***
Aweek later, Hazelstarted ballet classes and seemed to enjoy them even though I had no idea if she had any talent at all. I just wanted to make my daughter happy. Jillian usually smiled at me when I dropped her off, and the same when I picked Hazel back up which was fine by me. Only I still felt like I was off, and that little by little, I was sinking into something I couldn’t dig myself out of.
One day before work, I stopped by the ballet studio and found Jillian dancing. She was all legs and twirls as she moved around the floor, catching me off guard. I was mesmerized as she jumped and leaped before she caught me staring at her.
“Hutch!” Jillian clutched her chest as she giggled. “Is everything alright? Hazel is—”
I nodded. “Hazel is fine,” I assured her, trying not to stare at the way her body looked in her leotard. Jillian still had an amazing figure. “I just...I needed someone to talk to, and, never mind.” I started to leave, but she touched my arm.
“I can come by at lunch. I have class now, but I have lunch at one. I can bring egg salad sandwiches.” Her eyes searched my face as she reached up to touch the scruff against my jawline. Her fingers felt like electricity against my skin.
I shrugged. “Alright.” I needed her right this minute, not hours from now.
“Hutch.” Jillian kept saying my name like that. Like she knew. “Are you still going to therapy?” She dropped her hand from my face as some of her students began to file in. “After you texted me last week, I was thinking about some of the things you said to me.”
My eyes hardened. I knew I never should have let her back in. “That’s not any of your business, Jills,” I grunted. “I shouldn’t have come to you. This was a bad idea.” I started out the front door.
“Don’t run away from me, please. I only want to help you,” she insisted as she followed me outside. I didn’t want to hear that shit from her.
I pushed Jillian against the wall of the studio so that I caged her in. “You think I’m crazy or something?” I clenched my teeth together. “Is that it? I don’t go to therapy anymore, so there’s your answer.” I took a step back. “Don’t bother to come for lunch. I changed my mind. I’ll find someone else to talk to me who doesn’t judge me.” I turned to head up to the shop.
“Hutch!” Jillian called out to me, but I ignored her. How could she expect me to trust her now after that?
Back at the shop, I told Quinn and Brad, the two guys I had hired when business picked up over and I couldn’t do it all myself anymore, that I was taking the day off before I went upstairs to my apartment, hoping it would help if maybe I just slept for a few hours. I grabbed a beer from the fridge, a bottle of Tylenol from the medicine cabinet for the headache that was throbbing behind my eyes, and dropped onto the bed. Hazel was staying with her grandparents for a few days, and that was hard too. Not having anyone to talk to, anyone to check on me, or anyone to just hold me, was starting to drag me down. I kicked my shoes off and laid down on the bed.
I was so tired of all of this.
I didn’t want to hurt anymore.
I didn’t want to be a burden either.
Maybe everything would be better if I just disappeared.
