Winifred’d had her reservations, though. The last pregnancy and birth had been especially taxing on her; she had never had the easiest time to begin with. But she had relented and allowed him into her bed again. That had been the worst time yet. It had been abundantly clear she hadn’t wanted him in any capacity. It was transactional—a bedding for a babe.
He had tried to be gentle, had tried to coax some sort of response from her as he always did. But she had pushed his hands away and stared off to the side with a blank look on her face. It had been nearly impossible for him to even finish the bedding. He had felt so dirty afterwards, disgusted with himself. And he swore to himself that if their joining didn’t result in a pregnancy, he would let go of his dreams of another daughter.
But then she had wound up pregnant, and he had thanked the heavens above. Winifred had even seemed happy, though he never missed the strain that sometimes washed over her delicate, pretty features.This is the last time,he had promised.The last child.
And how bloody true that had ended up being. Because there were complications during the birth, and he had lost his wife and his second daughter.
Andfuck.
He sucked in a breath and dug his fingers into his skull. His eyes burned, a pounding ache settling in his head as he fought back the flood of emotions trying to resurface.
Sam squeezed his shoulder. “You need to stop punishing yourself for something that wasn’t your fault.”
Of course, his friend knew what he was thinking. It was also an argument they’d had a million times. There was nothing Sam could say that would make Ash feel as though he wasn’t responsible. Because he was. If he hadn’t been selfish, been so sickeningly love-starved that he’d begged his wife for another child, essentially coerced her, his wife would still be alive. He wouldn’t have held his dying infant daughter in his arms.
A choked sob burst from him, and he scrambled to get control of himself.
God. Fucking. Damnit.
His children would still have their mother. It was that simple.
“Look at me, Ash.”
Ash lifted his head and met his friend’s dark grey gaze, swimming with concern, with sympathy.
“Easy now. Take a sip of whisky.” Sam waited, watching Ash carefully as he collected himself. “Let us push past that for now. We both know we’ll just end up in an argument that goes absolutely nowhere. Why are you hiding from Lady Felicity? Why can you not just wait her out until the roads clear and you ship her home?”
Sam’s gaze searched his. And despite how they jested and ribbed each other, he knew his friend wouldn’t judge him in this.
“Because I want her, Sam. Badly,” he said, his voice hoarse with shame. “I have since the first time she visited Devonford Castle. I have kept my distance. Once she and Colborn married, she would be off living with Colborn, and I’d only be tortured with her presence on rare occasions. I never thought it would be an issue. I was just a perverse old man fantasizing about his son’s fiancé. Which, yes, makes me feel quite noble and virtuous.”
“Youarenoble and virtuous, Ash. Lady Felicity is one of the most beautiful women in all of England. You would have to prefer men to be able to ignore her. Even then, can’t say I haven’t appreciated her form.”
Ash arched a brow at his friend.
“Iprefermen, you cake. Just as say, you prefer certain amber-haired women over others. But other women are beautiful, aye? You’ve bedded those women. I know it is hard for you to understand, but preferences are not black and white. It is…complicated. But for me, some women still appeal. Very few. But Lady Felicity definitely falls into that small group.”
Huh. Ash blinked dumbly and Sam laughed.
“I’m just trying to say that you are not a lecher for appreciating a beautiful woman. And she is a woman, Ash. She is five-and-twenty. You are not decrepit. There are much larger age gaps that occur in the ton with regularity. Fathers marry their daughters off to old codgers right before they kick the bucket all the time.”
Ash’s expression melted off his face, and he stared stone-faced at his best friend. “Thanks, Sam. That makes me feel so much better.”
Sam chuckled. “I’m not sayingyouarean old codger. You are a man in your prime, Ash.” He slowly perused Ash and raised a brow. “Trust me. I am very qualified to judge in that area. And I know you’ve seen what the gossip columns have said about you, Mr. Devastating Duke.”
Ash rolled his eyes. “Only because you are obsessed with gossip and always leave them on my bed to read.” That and he tried to keep track of his son. He heard more about Colborn in the gossip columns than he did from his son himself.
“Yes, I am. And how exciting is it that there is real, tantalizing gossip happeningright here in Devonford Castle.” Sam shot him a gleeful grin.
“I hate you.”
Sam’s grin widened.
Ash leaned forward and smacked his friend aside the head. “I have a serious problem here.”
Sam lifted his hands in defeat. “Apologies, go on.”
“I just need your help with avoiding her. If she is ever looking for me, perhaps you can throw her off my trail. I am trying to make myself seem repellent. I have convinced her I have a pet-rock collection.”
