I hated losing control of my emotions. Bad enough I couldn’t control my body. I refused to let my trauma rule me more than it already did.
I forced the pain into a box and locked it.
“I want Shiloh, but I’m broken. Doesn’t he deserve better?”
“Don’t you deserve better?” she countered.
“This is who I am. I don’t have a choice, but he does.”
“So, give him a choice, then.”
Damn it. The woman was too good at playing devil’s advocate. I blew out a breath. “I don’t want to hurt him. If I try to touch him and I can’t…”
She nodded. “It might sting a little. Communication is essential. This is why I emphasized emotional intimacy and trust earlier. Shiloh needs to understand this won’t be easy, that there will be setbacks, and that no matter what happens, it’s not about him. It’s about you. Butyou, Holden Cross, have to be honest about your vulnerability. I know that’s not easy for you. If you’re not entirely honest with Shiloh about how you’re feeling every step of the way, he could trigger your trauma by accident.”
“I don’t even know if he wants to try,” I admitted.
She raised an eyebrow. “Well, I’d start there, then. Be honest with him, Holden. Be honest with yourself. If you really wantthis, it’ll take time and effort, but I’ve seen how far you’ve come in the years we’ve known each other. From a terrified little boy jumping at every sound to a strong, confident man.”
I scoffed. “A man still afraid of touch.”
She tilted her head. “Your brain is trying to protect you. You were young when you were abused, and you’ve associated touch with pain. It was at such a young, impressionable age that it’s more difficult to reprogram. One way to do it is to show your brain positive associations, hence the exposure therapy. But take it slow. You can’t rush this, and you can’t force it.”
“Believe me, I know,” I said, dryly, remembering the panic attack I set off in myself the last time I’d tried to push through it with a college girl.
“Good, then I have homework for you.”
“Oh, goodie.”
She chuckled. “I know it’s always a delight, but you may like this one.”
“Okay, I’m listening…”
“Tell Shiloh you’d like to work on your touch aversion with him, starting very slow and building to more. Assuming he’d want to be physically intimate with you. Talk to him about the challenges. Prepare him for the experience, which might include you stopping abruptly or even reacting badly.”
My stomach flipped. This was really going to happen, then? I was going to try to get physical with Shiloh?
“Okay, I can do that.”
“And then, when you’re ready, I want you to try to hold his hand.”
My eyebrows shot up. “That’s all?”
“That’s all? That’s a lot,” she said.
It was. I’d mastered handshakes for the sake of my business, but those were quick. Perfunctory. Holding Shiloh’s hand,interlocking our fingers, simply for the pleasure of it…well, the idea made my pulse spike with anticipation and anxiety.
But it seemed more manageable than the mountain of physical intimacy I’d been imagining. Just a first step. Anyone could take one step, right?
“Start with just touching his hand,” Dr. Levy said. “For only as long as you like. You stay in control, okay?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I’m good at being the one in control.”
She smiled sadly. “I know you are. In this way, it might serve you. You set the pace. You determine when you’re ready for more.”
“I can do that.”
“Report back to me next week. I want to hear your progress. And if you’re struggling, I want to help you come up with new strategies. If you want this, Holden, I’m here for you.”
