“But now your drakaina is churning and they are looking on, doing nothing.” Rake spoke quietly, pressing Layla to dig further.
“Yes.” Layla frowned now. Looking around to every face, she saw them shake their heads and step back in turn, fading even as she asked each one for help. “They can’t help me see the next step.” Layla continued, understanding what her own deepest unconscious mind was telling her. “None of them can. My drakaina is stuck because she can’t see what’s ahead. She can’t see the next phase of the journey. She can’t see… where we’re going.”
“Why not?” Rake asked gently.
“Because—” Suddenly, Layla shuddered hard in Rake’s arms. Something was rising and it felt terrifying; with a flash of insight, Layla realized this was why she’d pulled herself out of the vision the first time. She wanted to pull out of the vision now also as she felt that massive horror, and her violent shudder almost kicked her out of it. But Rake held her firmly, pushing her back into the meditative space by his gentle flows of breath even as he urged her to confront the reason she was holding back.
The reason she was hiding her magic from herself.
Because that’s what Layla suddenly realized it was. She was hiding from herself; hiding her drakaina’s magic from her own use in a way she’d never done before. It was a sensation so foreign that she felt shocked, not knowing why she wouldn’t want to use her power. Layla had always been bold before; she had always held a fire-bright fury that gave her courage. But now she was stalled as that violent horror swamped her, stopping her not only from using her power but seeing whatever it was that had caused her to lock her power away.
Because seeing it meant facing it – and she didn’t want to face it.
Suddenly, a new vision filled Layla; a memory from Deep Harbor. It was one she’d reviewed with Rake this past week, but she saw it anew now – re-living the memory just like it had happened at the time. She saw her magic, hurtling from her open palm from herself and Adrian, Dusk and Reginald, Rhennic and Fury; all coalesced into one final gold-white wave of desperation as their Binds dissolved. She saw it hammer Hunter in the chest, that combined power throwing him backwards in a smelted ball of seething lightning and sea-fury, diamond-blaze, lava, and scorching wind. It was horrible as it burned him. As Layla felt her Dragon’s churning consume her, pulling away from that terrible act, she knew it was the most powerful, most awful thing she had ever done. As that cascade of magic devoured Hunter’s perfect face and flesh, Layla felt her inner drakaina writhe in tortured conflict to watch it all burn away.
Reducing Hunter’s beauty to simmering char and cooked flesh.
Suddenly, the vision broke as Layla gasped hard in Rake’s arms. A wind whisked through the canyon as Layla’s heart broke wide open with a tremendous heave of her magic, screaming even though it suddenly felt more free. As she jolted beneath the high white stars, her eyes fluttering open, Rake held her close, his lips ceasing to breathe his perception-altering magics. Pulling back, Rake gazed tenderly down at her, caressing a lock of wet hair back from her cheek.
As something inside Layla felt tremendously better.
“Something changed inside you just now.” Rake spoke with one of his shy-bold smiles as he watched her. “Like you learned something.”
“I think I have.” Layla spoke as she massaged her chest over her heart, reveling in this strange feeling. Her past two weeks had been full of depression and emptiness, but now something flowed more easily because of what she’d learned tonight.
And a vast relief filled Layla as she drew another breath.
“Confirming that my drakaina lives gave me release just now. But I also learned it’s not something Hunter did that’s holding me back. It’s something I did to myself, Rake. Hunter only provided the impetus with his strike back at Deep Harbor.”
“He triggered something in you.” Rake watched Layla intently now with his Buddhic quietude.
“Hunter triggered me to see the ugliest side of myself.” Layla nodded, easing off Rake’s lap, though she still sat near enough to touch him in the water. Feeling parched, she reached out, taking a sip of lemon-water waiting upon the white mineral rim of the pool. “The strike I cast at him when his magic started stripping away my Binds – it was the worst part of me, Rake. I thought it was Hunter’s strike that had devoured my Binds, like anullax-strike. But now… I know that’s not true. It wasn’t Hunter’s magic that caused my Binds to flash out. I think he was burning my power with his black lance, but he was only making me and my menfeellike our Binds were being eaten away. I think… Hunter’s strike was an illusion.” Layla finished softly, seeing the terrible brilliance of it all. “A trick. One of his worst manipulations yet. So I’d show him my full power.”
“He fooled you. Made you believe all your Binds were disappearing; made you panic.” Rake spoke with a deep look, knowing all the details of Layla’s latest encounter with Hunter. “He made you and all your Bound men panic – joining the full force of your power together with the wrath of yourfinal strikebehind it. The worst killing-strike you could possibly throw at him.”
Layla took a deep breath as she met Rake’s gaze, knowing the truth now. “It wasmethat banished my Binds, Rake. After I saw what I’d done… I closed my power. That very moment.”
“After you burned Hunter.” Rake spoke quietly. “After you burned his beauty with your wrath.”
“It was more than wrath.” Layla spoke as Rake settled in the water beside her now, slinging an arm up on the rim of the pool, watching her. “It wasdesperation, Rake. I thought I was going to lose my Binds, my men – all of it. I thought we were going down; and maybe we would have had I not done what I did. I didn’t know what Hunter’s power was doing to my Binds, I just felt them burning, starting to go. So I panicked; and cast the most god-awful magic I’ve ever seen. I’mthat. That’s what I am. A weapon. A huge, awful, scary weapon. How do I face that?”
“One step at a time.” Rake spoke gently, his jade-green eyes kind as he reached out, cupping her face in his palm. “But this is excellent progress tonight, Layla. It’s not easy to face a strong, frightening magic – especially for someone who has a good heart. We’ve discovered you’re running from your power, hiding it so deep you can’t even feel your magic anymore. But fortunately, I think you can get your power back. And tonight’s meditation showed it.”
“How?” Layla breathed, a flicker of hope rising inside her at possibly getting her drakaina back.
“By helping you speak your heart and providing space for it.” Rake spoke gently, his eyes luminous in the night. “We’ve learned that your drakaina’s bottled up inside you because there are truths about your power – and yourself – that you don’t want to face. Why? What risk is there to you to face these deep inner truths? Becausethatis why your power remains trapped.”
“What do you mean?” Layla frowned, feeling like they’d entered one of Rake’s infamous counseling sessions, though she didn’t know where it was going.
“I mean,” he smiled kindly, “that admitting these deep inner truths has risks – probably deep repercussions in your life, things that would be vastly disrupted if you admitted them. Your Dragon understands your truths, but your human side has locked those truths away along with your Dragon’s instinct and labeled them all asdangerous,or evendeadly.Thus, there are things inside you that you haven’t told yourself or anyone. I’m suggesting you need time to explore those things; to speak openly about them without judgement from anyone those truths would harm. Your Bound men, for instance.”
“What does shutting my power off have to do with my Bound men?” Layla blinked, frowning.
“Everything.” Rake spoke with a knowing glimmer in his eyes. “No one wants to show their monstrous side to their lovers, Layla. But what would you tell your Bound men if you could pour out your deepest worries to them, your fears, your hopes? What would you tell them that you haven’t told anyone, which lingers upon your heart and makes you bottle up? What would you speak to a friend who could listen without judgement and without need of your body, your heart, or your drakaina’s power? What would you say, what truths would you admit… if you could?”
“That I’m terrified of myself.” Layla spoke in a flash of deep insight, as she suddenly understood part of why she confined her power. “I’m terrified of what I’m capable of, Rake. If that’s what my magic can do, what I did to Hunter… then I don’t want it. I don’t want that kind of power, not if there’s a risk it could wind up in Hunter’s hands. I don’t want it at all…”
Layla’s words just suddenly spilled out. But even as she spoke, she felt her throat choke so hard she knew it was the truth – a deep truth she’d been avoiding, which chained her drakaina up now. As Layla’s heart hammered hard to have exposed it, she felt a roil of her drakaina deep inside, whipping heat through her veins for the first time in weeks. It didn’t rise to the surface and it wasn’t the fire she was used to, but it was there – and Layla knew her drakaina had moved because she’d finally admitted something deeply real. It was something she didn’t even want to look at; possibly not wanting her magic anymore because it might be weaponized by Hunter.
