“We thought you were a call girl playing an uptight teacher.You were pretty convincing.”
The sound of outrage that escapes my mouth could possibly be heard across Manhattan and into the next continent.
“Of course I was convincing,” I cry.“Because I am an uptight teacher.I have never in my life been so...so mistaken for something I most certainly am not.And honestly, you thinking I’m a call girl is frankly a direct insult to call girls themselves.I couldn’t be a call girl if I tried.”Mostly because I was not gifted with the seductress gene.Well, okay, not mostly.I unequivocally lack any siren whimsy.
“Why are you here?Is something wrong with Jake?”
“Now you’re asking that?”Oh, I’m not letting them off the hook.Also, who are they if they know Jake?I’m just about to ask the question when the older man speaks.
“Am I understanding this situation correctly?”he asks with an incredulous look on his face.“You three thought she was a call girl?”
To which the three younger men offer sheepish grins.Ugh.They don’t even look contrite.The older man shakes his head and rolls his eyes.
“Ms.Quinn, please forgive these three idiots.They do mean well...most of the time.My name is Harold Smithson.I’m the family lawyer and, unfortunately, also their uncle.You said you wanted to speak to Jake’s parents?”
“Yes, please.Can you put me in contact with them?”
“I’m afraid that is impossible.Bobby and Lucy are entomologists and are out of the country for work for the next three months.Even more unfortunately, they made Alex, Levi, and Jude Jake’s guardians.”
“What?”I’m sure I misheard the lovely Mr.Smithson.
“I’m afraid it’s true.”
“They’re Jake’s guardians?”I shriek.
“As of yesterday morning, yes.”
“Oh, that explains so much,” I say, hands on my hips.
All four men look at me with frowns on their faces.
“I’m lost,” Harold says.Oh, how I’m going to enjoy snitching on them to their uncle.I don’t even care if it’s childish.They deserve it for...for completely spinning me off my axis into another dimension altogether.I still can’t breathe properly, thanks to them, and I’m way too acutely aware of my wet panties—not a thought I want to have in the presence of the only gentleman in the room.
“Once a month, we have movie day at school, and five kids at a time take turns bringing their favorite homemade snack for our sharing table.All the other kids brought s’mores, cupcakes, no-bake squares, that type of thing.Do you know what Jake’s guardians,” here I air quote “guardians,” because they most certainly are not, “did?They had a catering company deliver caviar, popcorn truffles, and oysters.”
Harold sighs.Right.He gets it.
“What’s wrong with that?”Levi asks, affronted.
“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?”Jude chimes in.
I can’t.I just can’t with these men.
“No six-year-old in my class eats caviar, truffles, or oysters.They laughed at poor Jake for bringing boogers and something that smelled like feet.He does not need to be made fun of for his guardians' poor choices.”Air quotes again.“It was a movie day at school for first graders, not a cocktail party for millionaires where hors d'oeuvres are served.”
“Really?”Harold mimics me and puts his own hands on his hips.And now we’re both glaring at the other three men.Good.
“His guardians are billionaires, not millionaires.He should eat like a billionaire too.If the other kids can’t keep up that’s their business,” Alex says, as if this makes perfect sense.
“Oh my God.Do you know how school works?”I take a deep breath to compose myself.“Look, I will schedule another movie day, and I expect you three to personally bring in three child-friendly snacks.Let me repeat that: each one of you needs to personally bring in a child-friendly snack.In fact, since you’re billionaires,” I wave my hands and shake my head in a mocking way to emphasize their lack of modesty.Oh, we’re billionaires, as if calling them millionaires was some grave insult.I would call that small-penis energy, but having felt their packages against my body, I can safely say their abundance in their downstairs area has clearly convoluted their egos.Point proven when just moments ago, they told me in great detail how they were going to rock my world, and I would be thanking them for it by screaming their names.
“Since you made it known you’re billionaires, you can bring snacks for the whole class.I have twenty kids in my class.No nuts.At all.I expect to see you again next Tuesday.”
I’m sure they’re laughing at me.They might not be laughing out loud, but their amused looks say enough.Well, that is until Harold, such a good man, clears his throat and glares at them.
“Yes, ma’am,” they all chorus, except with wicked grins on their faces.
“Good day, gentlemen,” I conclude, holding my head high as I walk toward the front door.My legs are still wobbly but thank goodness my skirt is long and wide enough to hide them quivering.
