In hindsight, it might not have been my best choice of words.
“Not fair is the fact that I made a home for myself in Norrandale and now I can’t go back. Not fair is the life I’ve lived to get here, only to have it taken away.” She stood up from the windowsill. “Not fair is the fact that you and everybody else still have the people they care about, and I lost the one person I cared most about in the world,” she cried out. “That’s what’s not fair.”
“I know. I’m... sorry.” I was repeating myself now.
She wiped a tear from her cheek and turned away from me. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Of course it matters.” I walked over to her and put my arms around her frail frame. Cordelia only hesitated for a moment before allowing herself to be hugged.
“I wish I could go back and change things for you,” I said softly, and then Cordelia began to cry onto my shoulder.
“I’m sorry for being mean.” Her body shook as she sobbed. “I just miss him so much.” She cried for a little while longer, and I continued to hold her until she pulled back. “Maybe I need to get away from court for a while. Go and stay somewhere in the country.”
I would miss her terribly if she decided to leave but Cordelia had to do what was best for herself now.
“You just say the word and I’ll make the arrangements for you.”
“Thank you.” She sniffed, using her hands to wipe the tears off her face. “And thanks for checking up on me.”
I added another log to the fire. “I’ll have one of the servants bring you up some dinner.” And I hoped she would eat it.
“Thanks.”
“I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’re the strongest person I know. And I know you’ll get through this somehow. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday it will be better.” All of us had taken our own knocks with this coming war, but I had to believe we would get through it. Or die trying.
* * *
After making sure Cordelia was settled and looked after for the evening, I headed straight for Cai’s rooms. I wasn’t sure where he’d gone after dinner but the fact that he’d held my hand without pulling away gave me hope that perhaps he was closer to opening up, closer to being his old self again. Maybe he just needed some more time to process everything.
Cai looked up as I entered the room. He was standing by his dressing table, undoing the buttons of his shirt. I wondered why there was no servant around, though the candles and fireplace were already lit.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude.”
He looked worn out from the evening’s events.
“You’re not intruding.” He rolled up the sleeves of his shirt as I became momentarily distracted by his strong forearms.
“Are you sure? I can come back tomorrow.” He probably didn’t want company if he was tired. My hand was already reaching for the door.
“No, stay.” It was the best thing he’d said to me in weeks. I didn’t move away from the door, and he remained standing by the dressing table.
“Thank you for coming to dinner. I really appreciated it.”
He nodded, his eyes travelling over the furniture in the room, anywhere but me.
“Should I call for some wine or something?”
“I’m good, thanks.”
That was too bad. I could have definitely used the alcohol to calm my nerves.
I stepped a little further into the room, contemplating whether or not I should take a seat on one of the chairs. Cai was making no attempt to move.
“I just wanted to come and ask if you would like to do something together tomorrow morning?” Maybe I was pushingmy luck. Just because I’d finally managed to get him to leave his rooms didn’t mean I was going to get him frolicking about the palace grounds.
Cai always tried to be the strongest person but everything that had happened had broken something inside him. He was never good at communicating his feelings, especially not when it came to his own weaknesses, because he was always so hard on himself. I didn’t know how to be there for him if he couldn’t tell me what he needed from me.
“Like what?”
