I’m probably better off dead.
“No, you’re talking shit, Noah. Please don’t leave, youpromisedme,” he says, reaching out again, but I take a step back.
“C’mon, babe, please. Let’s just go home, okay? We can talk about this back at the flat,” he says, trying his best to smile. He extends his hand, expecting me to take it. But I swipe his hand away and attempt to look away.
“Noah?” he says, a pained choke escaping him.
The look on his face will forever haunt my dreams. His smile fades while his eyes fill with hurt. He squeezes his eyes shut in order to stop the tears from flowing but they come out faster and faster. He wipes his eyes with his hand. A sound like a wounded puppy escapes him as he is suddenly sobbing into his hands.
“See, this is your issue, isn’t it? You hit a hurdle and instead of trying to jump over it, you just run away,” he states, waving his hands around. “You did it to Kai, and now you’re doing it to me,” he sobs, his face going red.
“I’m sorry! I just?—”
“I knew you would leave eventually. I thought things might have been different with you. I thought you said you loved me? I know we were drunk, but… I really thought it meant something. It meant a lot to me,” he chokes, tears spilling down his cheeks. He whimpers as my heart continues to break.
“I love you, Noah. I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life. I haven’t had it easy. Growing up was hell on earth, and I thought things were finally getting better. But you’re breaking my heart here. Why must you do that? I gave you my heart on a silver platter, and you thought it wouldn’t matter if you left everything behind?”
“You don’t understand Teddy… Ihaveto go.”
“No, you don’t. I thought we were in this together?” My eyes continue to betray me as tears run down my cheeks.
I want to tell him it’s okay, but I know it’s not. I can’t stay. If I stay, they’ll be dead. There’s no other way.
“What about Kai? When he wakes up, you’re going to be gone. What am I supposed to say to him?” He asks, taking another step towards me. I want nothing more than to take him into my arms and kiss him like there’s nothing wrong.
I can’t do this.
The train pulls into the station, and Teddy looks at it while tears spill onto the floor.
“Please don’t leave,” he cries, moving towards me. But I’m already walking towards the train.
“I love you, Noah. Please, I’m begging you… please don’t leave like this.” I look back at him, and I know it’s selfish, but I run to kiss him. Our tears blend together as we hold onto each other tightly. It’s deep and passionate. Almost like I’m saying goodbye.
Probably because I am.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper as my heart breaks into a million pieces. I back away from him. He reaches out for my hand but doesn’t catch it. I step onto the train, my hand gripping the handrail.
Don’t look back.
Don’t look back.
Don’t look back.
I look back to see my boyfriend. The boy I’ve opened my eyes to in the golden light of morning. The boy I’ve laughed with until my belly hurt in the most wonderful way. The boy I’ve never felt more alive with. The boy I gave my body to.
The boy I love with all my heart.
My boy.
My sweet, gorgeous boy.
Look at what you’ve done, Noah.
He sits with his head in his hands. His painful cries fill the station. He looks up at me with glassy eyes. My hand shakes on the handrail as I hesitate.
Teddy’s lips move to plead, “Don’t go.”
I don’t want to break his heart, but I don’t want him killed either. They killed my Mum and ruined my life within a matter of seconds. They almost killed Kai. I don’t want anyone I’ve met here to get hurt. Teddy can’t die. He can’t. He has a bright future with the bookshop. The bookshop is a representation of the good in this world. It’s helped so many queer kids who have nothing else.
