I back off, my lips yearning for the warm touch of his. My heart saysyes, but my mind screamsno no no.
Teddy looks hurt. His face grows red. Although he doesn’t pursue the issue.
“See you at work, Noah,” he says. His frequencies barely reach my ears. He lets go of my hands, and I almost want to reach out for the warmth again. But something deep inside me keeps me rooted in place.
“Bye,” I say, praying he doesn’t see my tears glimmer in the moonlight.
Iwalk into work slowly, a fake smile plastered on my face. I head over to the till, scanning the room for Teddy. I know he’s going to ask me about last night, and to be honest, I don’t even know what to say. Why didn’t I kiss him back? I like him, I want to kiss him, so why didn’t I kiss him back? My thoughts race like a bullet train, causing me to accidentally knock over a pile of books onto the floor. I sigh and begin picking them up.
As soon as I see Teddy walking over, I feel myself crumble. I know I can’t have him. I can’t. I can’t get too close because I know no matter what I do, I’ll lose him. He saw me have a panic attack, I’m already driving him away. He’s already slipping through my fingers.
“Oh hey, you alright? Let me help with that,” He asks. I look into his eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. All I see in his eyes are secrets and deceit. Why can’t I trust him? He’s perfect, and I’m not. What does he see in me? I want to make this work but… deep down, I know I can’t.
“I’m fine, should I put these onto the shelves?” I ask as we finish picking up all the books.
“Um, yeah, if you want,” he says, almost taken aback. I kind of cut him off there. But I need to.
I’m already too close.
I’m sorting the books on the shelves in alphabetical order. Focus on the letters. They both die at the end, that’s a T Book, place it in the T section, Noah.
I need to stop shaking. I need to ignore the noise in my head.
Wolfsong, that’s a W Book — Oh shit, Teddy’s coming this way. Concern is on his face as he comes into view. I try to ignore him and get on with what I’m doing.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” he asks, his voice filled with worry. Worry that I put there. I practically waterboard people with worry at this point.
I shouldn’t be doing this. Why am I doing this? Why can’t I just let this happen?
“I’m fine,” I say, putting both my hands up, “Honest,” I add. He doesn’t believe me though, his eyebrows raise before I continue putting books away. I don’t even know if I’m doing it right.
“Is this about last night?”
Oh my god, he brought it up. Why is he so bold?
“Um… I… I don’t know. I’m fine, though, I just…” I stutter, the words in my head not translating into actual words. It’s his fault. His presence in general causes my brain to stop working.
“So you’re sure you’re okay?” he asks again, he’s not convinced.
“It’s just, I like you and I just know I’m gonna fuck it up somehow,” I mutter, placing the books down with a sigh. I turn to face him, and I almost wish I didn’t. Now I’m lost in those gorgeous blue eyes, and I’m back to beating myself up for not kissing him last night.
“So what if we fuck it up? All we can do is try,” he says, and my heart skips a beat. I never thought of it like that. Should I just take the leap, even if it’s going to end in pain? I don’t think Teddy would ever hurt me, but I don’t know if I could deal with losing him either. Is love worth the pain that comes after? Does it need to end in pain? Is love worth that risk? My mind races in a way that makes my head hurt.
“I’m not going to force you, I just… I get the feeling the reason you didn’t kiss me last night wasn’t because you don’t like me,” he says, seeing right through my bullshit.
“You need to stay out my head,” I say, a smile forming.
“So I’m right?” He asks, and I feel my entire body relax completely. He is right. I do want to kiss him. I like him more than I like life itself right now. I just… I don’t want to get hurt again.
Before I know it, I’m pushing my head against his chest for a hug. He wraps his arms around me, and I’m home again. There’s something about the warmth of his arms that makes me feel like everything will be okay.
“I just got scared, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, I get it,” He says in a whisper. He starts stroking the back of my hair. I can smell his aftershave. I smile widely. We stay like that for a few moments before we stand back from each other. I almost whine as the warmth dissipates.
The shift is finally over.We were super busy today, tourists are probably buying books for their journey home. I make my way over to Ted until I notice he’s speaking to someone I don’t recognise.
“Are you fucking serious? I don’t want to see you. What are you doing here?” I hear Teddy shout. He’s shouting at the man, but I can’t see his face.
