“Nope, this was a different one. Still a recurring one. I’m sick of it at this point,” I say before taking another draw. I pass it over to Kai after he wipes his hands.
“What was this one about? If you don’t mind me asking?” He takes a draw of the joint. We smoked weed occasionally when we were younger. It helps a lot when it comes to the nightmares. It calms me down in a way nothing else can. I didn’t know Kai still smoked it though.
“It was about a boy named Jonathan from Uni. Some metaphorical bullshit about him ripping off my angel wings,” I say, looking out the window as I speak. There is a bird on the bird feeder attached to the window. He starts plating up the food and we head to the couch.
“As in, he ripped your innocence away? What do you mean?” Kai asks, his body stiff. He passes the joint over as I begin to speak. I let out a sigh as it sinks in that I’m about to tell him this.
“Something happened to me when I was at uni,” I mumble, shaky hands raise the joint to my lips. I start to feel it calming my body, but my eyes become glassy.
“Fuck, this is hard,” I say as a tears threaten to drip down my cheeks. I continue smoking the joint, I’m probably hogging it but I think I need it for this conversation.
“He raped me,” I say, my voice as quiet as a mouse. Kai’s eyes widen. He doesn’t say anything. I mean, what do you really say to that? My eyes fill up with more tears before whimpers escape me. Kai gets up and pulls me into his shoulder.
“Fuck Noah, I’m so sorry,” he says, his voice shaky too.
We stay like that for a few minutes. I cry like a child into his shoulder while he rubs my back.
“What happened? Did you tell anyone?” He asks.
“I don’t really want to talk though the whole night. But no I didn’t tell anyone.”
“Why wouldn’t you tell someone? He should be locked up for doing that to you.”
“It was hard enough telling you about it never mind having to go to the police. They’d ask me all these questions and then I’d have to relive the whole night again. I don’t want to do that, I just want to forget it happened. But these fucking nightmares are driving me insane. And I don’t know how I’m ever supposed to have sex with someone after this. Thinking about undressing in front of someone and being vulnerable like that? It makes me feel like I’m going to throw up,” I tell him. He puts his hand over mine and looks straight into my eyes.
“Noah, some day someone will come along, someone who you’ll be able to trust one-hundred percent. You’ll trust them enough to have sex with them, and it will be beautiful and consensual, okay? And you don’t have to tell anyone, that’s always completely your own decision.” He says, squeezing my hands. I wipe my eyes, my hands wet from the tears. “I think you should go to therapy,” he tells me as we pull away. I wipe my nose with a tissue I find on the coffee table.
“Where would I even go for that?”
“There’s a therapist like ten minutes away that I used to go to. He really helped me, I think you should think about going,” he tells me, and I nod in agreement.
“I think you’re right, I just… can’t keep going on like this,” I sigh, as I pick up the joint again. “Part of the reason for coming home was so I could start living my life again. Maybe therapy is a step in the right direction,” I tell him. I smoke until it’s only the roach left, so I press it against the bottom of the ashtray until it goes out.
“I’ll send you the address, okay? Now eat up before it goes cold,” he says with a smile, before standing up to empty the ashtray. In the reflection of the kitchen window, his face is filled with so much blue that I regret saying anything. I want to ask him about yesterday, but I don’t even know how to bring it up. Now doesn’t seem like the right time.
Iunlock my phone and double check the address again. This is definitely the place.
It looks like a small office building. I go up to the keypad on the door and look for Doctor Satin’s name. I’ve decided to take Kai’s advice and go see a therapist. If I want a fresh start I need to work on myself. I think this will be good for me. My palms are sweaty and I’m way too hot for this. Hopefully it’s cooler inside. I ring Doctor Satin through the keypad and the door unlocks with a click sound. The door swings open on it’s own and I take a deep breath before entering.
The inside looks typical for a shared office building. I look for office number three, which has a sign with Doctor Satin on it. I give it a knock and a voice comes from inside.
“Come in.” I open the door and I’m greeted by Doctor Satin, who is sitting in a standard office chair. He looks like a smart man; he wears glasses and a dark blue shirt with a relaxed black tie. He adjusts his glasses above the bridge of his nose as he motions for me to sit across from him. I sit down as instructed. I scan the room and notice that behind him, there are several filing cabinets. There’s a small vase on top of one, housing a bouquet of withered roses. They look like they’ve been there for a while. Mr Satin catches me looking at them.
“I know what you’re going to say, I should really get those cleaned up, eh?” He says, a small laugh escapes him. He goes into one of the drawers and brings out some paperwork, setting it in front of him on the desk.
“It’s Noah, right? What’s your second name?” He asks, clicking his pen.
“Wright,” I say, resulting in a puzzled expression from the man across from me.
“Wright as in with a w?” He asks, leaning forward in his chair slightly.
“Yeah with a w.”
“Oh right, sorry… I wasn’t too sure there,” he says, writing it down. He looks back up at me.
“It’s okay, I’m used to correcting people, but you guessed right so…” I tell him. He flashes me a smile before placing his pen down and sliding it towards me.
“Could I also get you to write down your address in that box there,” he says, pointing to the paperwork he is sliding towards me. I write down Kai’s address and pass it back.
