He snorted. “Yeah, no. You arenotglad to be with me.”
She turned so she was lying on her back instead of her side. She wasn’t going to face him or anything, but she wanted to make sure he heard this. “Are we going back there again? I don’t hate you. Honestly.”
He was silent for a few seconds. “Yesterday you said you were looking forward to spending time with me, but you sounded horrified at the thought of spending the night here. Be honest—if we didn’t have Imani, you’d hate me.”
Jana rolled her eyes. She’d had a great day yesterday, until her panic attack singing ABBA. But now Anil was picking a fight again. She didn’t know why she’d been worried that spending the night with him would increase her pesky little attraction for the man—because clearly spending time alone with Anil Malek would only increase her irritation at him. “But wedohave Imani, so that’s a bit of a moot point, isn’t it? Does it bother you that much that there might be someone who doesn’t think you are Prince Charming incarnate?”
“I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks of me. I care what themother of my daughterthinks of me.” Charming Anil was angry, despite his voice being no louder than a whisper.
Jana sighed. This wasn’t the time for this. “We shouldn’t be having this conversation. Imani is right here.”
He exhaled. “You’re right. But, Jana…I think it’s high time we actuallyhavethis conversation. Soon. If we’re going to move on, weneedto clear the air about the past. For Imani.”
“There is no air to clear!” Jana whispered as forcefully as she could. “We’ve talked enough. I know your justification for starting our relationship when you were still married. I know the fault wasn’t all yours.” He’d groveled. Hearing it again wouldn’t make a difference. “And I know the sexist backlash I’ve faced also wasn’t your fault and that you did what you could to stop it. What exactly are you hoping that more talking will accomplish? Are you looking for complete forgiveness so you can let go of your guilt?” She could hear her bitterness.
“No.” His voice was a low rumble. “I’m not asking for forgiveness if you can’t give it, but…maybe I’m asking you to stop punishing me with this hot-and-cold attitude of yours. It’s beenfive years. Also…”His voice trailed.
“Also what?”
“Also, it would be nice to be able to think back to those weeks and remember the good parts.”
Jana snorted. She turned away again to face her daughter.
Jana spoke quietly after they had both been silent for a while. “I know it’s been a long time. And believe me, I know life would be better—for both us and Imani—if I could move on.”
“But you’re not willing to try,” he said. It was a statement, not a question. There was something in his voice…resignation? Acceptance? If they weren’t in a tent in the dark in the wilds of Tanzania, then maybe she couldseehow he was feeling. See why he was so determined to push the buttons that were probably rusted stuck.
“Iamtrying. But this is me. I’m fussy. Unwavering. Iwantto get past it all, but it’s hard. I didn’tchooseany of this.”
“You chose to have Imani.” He said it so quietly—probably to make sure Imani didn’t hear.
That was true—she did. She’d found out about the pregnancy with enough time to terminate. Jana was a staunch advocate for reproductive rights for all, and she’d defend a pregnant person’s right to make their own choice until her dying day. Andherchoice had been to have her baby. And when she told Anil, he said they could be together. Get married and be a family. But she chose not to. Jana didn’t regret either of those choices. Maybe it was unfair to put all the blame for the negative repercussions of them on him, though.
But despite the fact that his voice was barely a whisper, Janadidunderstand what he meant when he said,You chose to have Imani. He wasn’t regretting Jana’s choice. There was no bitterness. It was just gratitude. “And you chose to let me be in her life,” he added. “That was so brave, Jana.”
Jana didn’t say anything, mostly because that statement made her eyes fill with tears. Everyone saw her getting pregnant as her biggest mistake. And not marrying Anil as her second biggest. But Anil understood.
“Okay,” he said after a while. “This isn’t the right time. We should be enjoying our holiday. We’ll keep pretending to be friends. But later, before you make your decision about Disney, we need to have a serious talk, okay?”
Jana was terrified of that conversation. She exhaled. “Okay. I’m going to try to get some sleep now.”
“Okay. Good idea.”
Jana closed her eyes, hoping that sleep would save her from this awkward, painful night.
But she wasn’t so lucky. Jana lay in that too-small bed wedged between her daughter and her daughter’s father, thinking about all the things that were really scaring her about continuing this talk. She wasn’t afraid of bringing her feelings of shame, betrayal, and disappointment to the surface. Those feelings had never left the surface to begin with. She wasn’t afraid of Anil challenging her again. She was more afraid of what was happening now as her feelings of resentment and bitterness were waning. She was afraid of what moving on would look like for her.
Because without resentment, without betrayal, what was Anil to her? During this trip, they had been closer than they had been for years—both physically and emotionally. All those game drives showing their daughter animals and counting elephants. Playing in the pool together. Taking care of Imani when she was sick. Now they were sharing a bed like a family, with their daughter next to them.
In many ways, Jana’s anger, resentment, and bitterness had become like a security blanket. Or a shield.
If she let it go, all that would be left would be the heartbreak.
But it was late and pitch-dark, and they were in the middle of nowhere with their sick daughter. Maybe now was not the time to put up her walls. Without turning, Jana reached behind her and put her hand out for him. She had no idea how he saw it, but his fingers intertwined with hers in seconds. She gently pulled on Anil’s hand, and he maneuvered so his arm rested on Jana’s waist, the big spoon to her little spoon. Jana felt safe and comfortable and thought she might be able to fall asleep now.
“Good night,” Anil whispered.
“Good night, Anil.”
