But it was true. The more I was around Ford, the more I began to question everything. The more I wanted to figure out why everything inside of me was spiraling and shifting. Things I’d never had before, not even as a teenager, were waking and rising to the surface.
And I didn’t have a fucking clue what it meant.
All I knew was that it had to do withhim.
Ford Fucking Priestley. The man who made me want to open up. The man who struck a match inside me and made everything burn hot. For what reasons? There were too many of them to say, and some of them I wasn’t even sure I could name.
His hand was on my chest, keeping my hammering heart from escaping. His eyes pinned me in place with a warmth glowing in them that I both hated and wanted to hold onto forever.
His gaze wasn’t sympathetic. It wasn’t understanding. It wasn’t pitying, either.
It was…
I couldn’t explain.
I liked it.
I fuckin’ hated it.
And his lips… were right there.
His breaths hit my skin, grounding me as he held me in place. As his gaze bore deeper into me, there was no denying that he was pleading with me to hold on. To keep him close. To see the truth in the words he’d said to me, the good he saw in me.
I wasn’thim.
I wasn’t my father.
I wasn’t the evil things he did to those innocent people.
I wasn’t a fucking monster.
But even as my brain registered these new things that I was so close to believing, there was only one thing I could focus on.
My hand wrapped around the back of his head, the silky strands oh his hair tickled my palm but it wasn’t enough to snap me out of it. I pulled his head in, closing the slip of air that separated us. Our lips met, his warm and soft against mine, and I froze. I didn’t know what to do then.
Okay, I knew what todo, but I didn’t know what I was doing.
It had been ten years since I kissed someone.
Ten years since I let myself even think of kissing.
Ten years… I’d been unknowingly holding in a secret. Too consumed by the hate and disgust I had toward myself because of the blood I had running through my veins to even notice.
It had been so easy to carve that part out of me. The part where I swore I wouldn’t let another person into my life again. The part where I didn’t think I deserved a relationship or any sort of close intimacy with someone else.
But… I’d never given much thought about why it had been so easy to do. Or how I’d never felt much before, not even with the girl that I first gave myself to and wanted to love.
And the guilt swirled in my stomach. That old familiar friend that I couldn’t get away from.
“I can’t,” I said, my voice cracking as I tore myself away from his mouth. My lids opened, but my gaze wouldn’t leave the ground. “I can’t… I don’t have that part of me anymore.” I choked, feeling like that statement was all wrong, but not understanding how.
I felt his considering gaze on me for a long time, his eyes searching my face, and I could almost feel him trying to pull all the answers out of the depths of my soul.
I didn’t push against his hold. No, I was broken and weak as I went limp, using his strength to hold me up. Trusting him to not let me drown in all the memories and feelings that were washing over me.
“I can’t let it out. Can’t let myself feel like this,” I said, as I buried my head in his chest.
Panic clawed at my insides. Acid burned a path up my throat. Unlocking this door was too much. All the things I’d stuffed in there like a closet full of random junk. It had been ready to explode for years, but I’d held strong, pressing my weight against the door even as I attempted to stuff more shit in there.
