“I’m going to bed,” I say, using my last bits of energy to stand and brush off my dress.
“Do you want me to leave?” she asks. Her voice breaks.
Do I? In a way, yes. I don’t want to see her in the morning and glimpse a reminder in her eyes of what she thinks about my choices. But I shake my head. I can’t turn my sister out. “No, it’s fine. You can stay.”
She nods, and I turn and head back to my bedroom. I take off the dress and wash my face, even though most of my makeup is already gone from all the crying I’ve been doing. Then I climb into bed, my mind spinning.
I wish I had a response to Annie’s concerns. I wish I could tell her she’s wrong about Zach, that I can’t imagine my life without him. But the problem is that I CAN. And I DID. After the engagement party, and again right before he set the date. I imagined a life without him and felt relief. Freedom. Contentment.
Now, after tonight, I have to imagine a life without Ryan. Because he told me that choosing Zach would mean losing our friendship.
Thinking about that—imagining a life with no pink sticky notes, no snarky comments during department meetings—makes me feel sick.
I thought I was done crying, but the sobs reappear, and I cry myself to sleep.
CHAPTER 37
Ryan
The next morning,I walk into my apartment, my suit covered in sand and the bottoms of my pants wet with ocean water.
“Hey, man!” Aaron calls from the kitchen. “How did everything go?”
“Terrible,” I call back.
“What? I thought when you didn’t come home—” He appears from the doorway between the living room and kitchen and stops. “Oh. You were at the beach. Alone?”
I nod.
“All night?”
I nod. I watched the waves for hours, alternating between sitting on the sand and standing in the water up to my calves. It felt like saying goodbye to my old life.
“You okay?”
I shake my head. “I’m gonna pack. I was able to change my flight so I can leave today instead of next week. And I’m not coming back.”
“Wait…what? That’s it? You’re moving today?” Aaron shakes his head. “You don’t even know if you have the job yet.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll pay you for this month and next month’s rent. Maybe I’ll come back to get my things. I don’t know. But I can’t be here anymore.”
“I thought you had graduation this week.”
I shrug a shoulder. “Whatever. I’m quitting anyway. I’ll take a sick day.”
Aaron pauses, puts a hand on my shoulder, and squeezes. “I’m gonna miss you, man.”
I nod, pressing my lips together. “Same.” I exhale and point at my room, implying that I’m about to pack, and Aaron lets go of my arm.
What a disaster. What did I expect Claire to do? Rush into my arms and say she loved me too, and she was just waiting for me to finally be brave enough to say something?
Well, yeah. That’s what I expected.
It feels ridiculous to think I’ve been misinterpreting every sign she’s given me, especially the ones she gave when she was sick. There’s no way she hasonlyfriendly feelings for me.
But at the end of the day, it’s her decision to make. And she decided to stay with Zach, the loser.
Just thinking about her life with him is enough to make me sick. He’s going to bring her down instead of raising her up. All she’s going to do is take care of him and support him, when she deserves someone who will treat her like a queen. But that’s not my call. I have to detach.
