It takesme all week to recover from the flu. Zach stayed with me for a few hours on Tuesday, but he was getting weirdly emotional, so I sent him home. It was a really unusual display from him. He wasn’t actually doing anything to take care of me, just moping around my apartment. That kind of energy wasn’t helping me recover. He told me to call if I needed him, but I didn’t want to take him up on that offer. Especially not when I was so confused about the feelings for Ryan that came bubbling up to the surface.
I wish I could have used this time to work on my book. This was prime quiet time, alone at home, with no work distractions. You’d think I’d be able to make progress. But nope. My flu-riddled brain couldn’t handle my imaginary world of teenagers and love triangles, so I ended up binge-watching The Big Bang Theory instead.
So I’ve spent this whole week in bed, watching shows and thinking about Ryan and Zach and my future and my feelings and having moments of WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? Just typical thoughts that should come up when you’re engaged, right? Or maybe not. Shawna said she never had a second thought about marrying Joshua.
By Friday night, I’m feeling well enough to go to my parents’ house for dinner. I’m still easily exhausted, and my brain is a little foggy, but I’m looking forward to finally having some time to sit and relax with my family.
And maybe get some clarity on this situation.
As I drive my car to my parents’ house, I try to sort through my confusion. So what if I had some romantic feelings for my best friend? It was just a dream. And of course my mind was all muddled because of the NyQuil and the fever. Add on the caretaking Ryan did—smoothing my hair down, making me food, helping me into bed…
I let out a dreamy sigh before I can catch myself.
Yikes.
But then there’s Zach. Steady, reliable Zach. Well, reliable in the sense that he’s always been himself with no intention of changing.
I’m supposed tomarryhim.
But what if I don’t?
I park my car in front of my parents’ house and take a moment to explore that possibility. What if we don’t get married? What if I just called the whole thing off? How would I feel?
The first, and most overwhelming, feeling is…
Relief.
All-consuming, relax your shoulders, no more stress relief.
Just like when I wanted to talk to him after the engagement party.
And that tells me there must be something wrong with the current situation.
With a sinking stomach, I get out of my car, walk up the pathway to my childhood home, and step inside.
“Hey, guys!” I call out, kicking off my shoes.
“Hey, hon,” Mom says. “I’m in the kitchen.”
I pass my dad, who raises his hand in greeting while he’s watching more Rush concerts on the TV, and sit on the barstool at the kitchen counter with my mom. She hands me a cutting board, knife, and cucumbers, and I start chopping for a salad. “This is a big bowl,” I comment.
“Mike, Julie, and Zach are coming, too,” she says.
Oh, no. My stomach sinks even further. I didn’t know they were coming this time. I thought it was just us. I pause a moment, my knife in the air. I swallow hard, make a cut down the middle of the cucumber, and start talking. “Mom? Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah, sure.” She adds rice to the pot and stirs.
“When you were engaged to Dad, did you have…thoughts?”
“Thoughts?” She furrows her brow. “Like what?”
“Like…if you were making the right decision?”
She stops stirring for a minute and looks at me. “Are you having second thoughts about Zach?”
My face flushes hot, and I keep my head down and just shrug.
She sighs. “Sure, I had second thoughts.”
