Once my tires grip the dirt and I start barreling down the trail, I’m able to focus. I ignore the drone entirely. How could I give a fuck about my style points when Chloe might be fighting for her life? It’s shocking how the day still goes on. I keep telling myself she must be at least a little bit okay. Otherwise they’d cancel the event, right?
The first of the jumps are approaching. I’m going to hit them, I kind of don’t have a choice, but there’s no chance I’ll even attempt any of the tricks I was practicing earlier in the day. I want to get to the bottom as quickly as possible
There’s not a moment where—even for a second—I can contemplate the possibility of crashing. This trail is imprinted inmy memory already—I know exactly where to turn, where to slow down. It’s a shame really, I could have crushed this.
My stomach plummets as I’m in the air on my second jump. With soft bent knees, I land with ease. Distant cheers are humming and buzzing among the trees. It feels wrong, but my body still reacts to the praise. It’s instinctual, and I’m ashamed of myself. I’m faster for it though.
I’m dive bombing to the finish line, and I don’t even consider slowing down as the crowd comes into view. The corners of my eyes catch the flash black and white checkers. There are flags waving on either side of me, trying to break me from my trance. I screech to a halt, and my bike crashes to the ground as I take off in a run towards the paramedic tent.
Chloe isn’t there. I’m hunting for her when a paramedic finally takes pity on me and says, “She’s stable.”
That’s all anyone will fucking say. What does stable even mean? Just that she’s not dead yet?
I want to get more information, but the words won’t come out. Callum finally catches up to me and he’s offering, “I can take you to her.”
His voice is soft, comforting, but I don’t have words for him right now. My tongue is sticking to the roof of my mouth as I hunt for Reid in the crowd.
Before I can spot him, I feel his presence behind me. I sink into it, trusting him to catch my weight. His tone is urgent as he drags me with him. “Come on, Addie. I’ll drive you to the hospital.”
I let him, barely sparing Callum a glance.
Naturally, they won’t tell us anything once we get there, but I spot her mom and little sister. I give them a hug. It’s been years since I hugged them. Years since I’ve let myself enjoy having friends that cared about me. I regret it all right now. They shouldn’t let me hug them. They should tell me to fuck off. I’vepractically ignored Chloe the last few years, all because we got a little too close. She saw though my facade so I pushed her away, just like I push everyone away.
The air smells too clean. So clean it feels dirty. My foot taps incessantly against the cold tile. I know it’s annoying, but I can’t stop. The doctors come out to talk to Mrs. Madison. Her broken voice replies, “You can tell all of us.”
They tell us Chloe fractured her hip and a couple of ribs, and that she’s currently paralyzed from the waist down.
The doctor ends with, “But she’s conscious, no brain damage.”
Finally, I take a breath. I never thought I’d feel relief at the thought of paralysis, but at least she’s alive. My brain fully expected her to be in a coma when we got here. Reid left me to sit with her family, and I feel like a fake. Today is the first time I’ve truly paid attention to Chloe in the past few years, and they welcomed me right back in like I never left. Maybe Chloe never told them how bitchy and distant I’ve been. I don’t deserve to be here, but I can’t seem to leave either.
Reid comes back with three coffees and a hot chocolate for Chloe’s sister. It’s terrible—hot dirt tastes better—but it’s warm, and I cling to it.
After a few hours, we are finally let back to see Chloe. Reid follows as my shadow—I barely notice he’s there, and no one else seems to either. He’s silent and strong, supporting me however I need.
She looks so small in that stark white bed. So different from the lush landscape we were in together earlier today. She’s still smiling though. “How was your run?”
I can’t help but laugh. Shewouldsomehow still be worried about the competition when she’s laying in a hospital bed all mangled. Chloe always did focus on the good—almost to a fault.
Reid pulls out his phone to show her the final scores. “She placed second, and Blair placed first.”
That’s news to me. Apparently, my speed made up for my lack of tricks or style. I want to feel happy, but my fear for Chloe is soaking it all up.
She looks at me seriously. “Addie, it’s okay to be happy. This outcome is always a possibility. It’s a possibility every time we get on our bikes, and I knew that. I knew that and I raced anyways. I don’t regret it.”
Chloe pats the side of the bed, urging me to sit next to her. I comply hesitantly. “I’m sorry, Chloe. I’ve been such a bitch”
“You’ve always been a bitch. I love that about you.”
A broken laugh falls out of both of us. I don’t miss her wincing before she tries to hide it. Chloewouldbe doing her best to make light of her life threatening injury. I can’t believe I wasted these years eluding her and our closeness. Almost losing her puts it all in perspective. I’m such an asshole.
21
Ispend a long time at the hospital. For some reason, I simply can’t bring myself to leave. Chloe seems genuinely okay with the fact her lower body might never work again. Her mom and sister look like they want to sob their eyes out but they don’t. So I don’t either.
The tears fall as soon as I get in the passenger seat of Willa. Reid rubs my back in slow circles. It feels good until I remember I’m trying to keep my distance from him. We drive back to the track in silence. When we’re about five minutes out, he lets me know the boys won’t be racing today.
They moved the men’s main event to tomorrow morning out of respect for Chloe and her family. I’m shocked they did that, but I’m glad.
