I lose my footing and almost fall, but he catches me. His strong arm loops behind my back and pulls me up to stand. He moves his hand up to the back of my head, and he pulls me in like he did that first night we met. Our lips brush again, more forceful this time.
Heat drifts through my cheeks and down my throat, but it stops there. The smudged outline of Reid’s van against the night sky keeps pulling my attention.
My hand comes up to push Callum back slightly, and as he plants a kiss onto my forehead I can tell right away he liked this kiss. He wants more, and I wish I could give it to him. My mind is tumbling down the pit of desperation that is my addiction to Reid Hastings.
“Night, Callum.”
“Night, Addie.” His eyes trail down my body. Instinctively, I wrap my jacket around myself as Willa clicks open.
Shame drifts over me. Tonight could have been perfect if I could have gotten out of my own way. Out of habit, I check to see if Reid’s still up before sliding my window shut. There’s no light spilling from his van—I’m disappointed. A foolish part of me thought maybe he’d come to check on me.
After a steadying breath and some toothpaste, I pull out my journal and bare my soul.
20
Girls are going first today, which is unusual. Something about it has me feeling more sure of myself. My dreams last night were all about riding. Most of my dreams are on the nights leading up to a competition, but these were different. This time I was landing instead of crashing…I’m ready to actualize it.
We had four practice runs today. They went well, I’ve never felt quite so confident on big jumps. The Whistler bike park is the best of the best—there’s a reason people travel all over the world to ride here.
The amount of vertical trails is mind boggling. There’s something for everyone. Technical trails, flowy trails, you name it. Most notable of all, they have some pretty gnarly jumps. Even three weeks ago the idea of big jumps would terrify me, but now I feel ready…more ready than I ever have.
Chloe is talking over by the beverage station with two girls I don’t know. One of my goals is to rekindle my friendship with her, and another is to be a little nicer to the other girls in the circuit—two birds one stone, right? It’s been my goal for the pasttwo seasons, but I’ve never managed any success since I always end up overthinking my approach until the moment passes.
Unsteadily I ask, “You guys stoked?”
I urge my voice to convey that I am, in fact, stoked. The girls introduce themselves, but their names escape me as soon as they say them. Hopefully I can catch them when its time for their runs. Chloe looks like she’s on cloud nine—as if she’s already decided she’s making it up on the podium today. She’s holding her head high as she says, “I have a good feeling about today!”
My smile is effortless for once. “I actually feel pretty good about today too.”
Chloe softens, looking at me like a proud mother. “You’re gonna do great, Addie. You just need to believe in yourself the same way we all believe in you.”
Taking a step back, I stare at my old friend, simply appreciating her standing there in the sun with her matching kit and her effortless smile. She’s inspirational. I want to compliment her too, but the words don’t come out.
I’ve always been such a loner, especially on competition days. It makes a world of difference chatting with people and riding the Gondola without getting lost in my own thoughts. Maybe these socialites are onto something. Chloe, with her typical empathy, notices my unease and shifts the topic to a memory from a few years ago. Time moves faster as we talk, and I’m hit with nostalgia. It almost feels like nothing has changed—at least until she brings up Callum. “So, I heard you and Callum are dating?”
“Well, we went on one date. But yeah.”
She looks at me with her eyebrow raised. “Hmm.”
Chloe prepares to get her bike off of the gondola as I manage to choke out, “Hey what does ‘hmmm’ mean?”
Dammit, she’s already halfway off of the lift, and I’mscrambling to get my bike ready for dismount. Desperately, I want to ask her what she meant by that, but she’s approaching the cameras. Chloe is first position today—I can’t distract her.
She crushes her practice runs and her qualifier. It might be the best riding I’ve ever seen from her. It reminds me of when we were kids, back when we were reckless together. My brain automatically starts comparing me to her, but I’m able to stop that spiral and focus on myself.
The first two practice runs are okay, but by the time I get to the third, I’m shredding. This trail is full of big flowing turns and huge jumps. The jumps are close together, so there isn’t much room for error. Once I figure out the timing of it all, I’m feeling ready. On my fourth practice run, I dare to throw in a couple tricks.
My nerves are still teeming, but in a different sort of way. The fear isn’t gone, I don’t think it ever will be, but at least it’s not suffocating me right now.
The event coordinators served us an epic brunch this morning. Apparently they typically serve pretty good food between events at these things? It’s news to me, I’ve always been too in my head to eat anything. I still don’t know if what Callum said about everyone being a little scared was true, but I’m choosing to believe it is. It’s helping…a lot.
The guys completed their qualifiers last night. I tried my best not to pay attention, but I couldn’t help but note that Reid qualified, and so did Callum. Of course they did. What a strange feeling to care about another name on that list. I smiled at Reid when he finished his run, but he didn’t look at me. Instead, he looked right at the camera, and I tried not to let it hurt. It still did.
I spot both of them in the parking lot, making their way towards the pavilion. Riders are piled up under here, each patiently awaiting their free food. Whispers of free flowingpraise surround me. I never really noticed before, but the community is genuinely supportive. A big part of me thought people were pretending when they said things like ‘share the trail’ and ‘we’re not competitors’. Of course, we literally are competitors, but it seems like the comradery isn’t merely a facade. Everybody wants to win, but they also want to see the rider next to them do well too.
I’m going to be so pissed if it turns out all of my fears can be solved by talking to people.
Callum looks like he wants a hug or something, but I don’t feel like we’re there yet—hugging in public that is—or if we ever will be. I want to make the effort and give someone, anyone, a real go, but I’m not sure it should feel so obligatory. He heads straight towards me after finishing talking with the press, and Reid follows behind him. Reid picks up the pace a little, he’s trying to catch up. Callum still reaches me first, and he settles by my side once he realizes I’m not going to initiate any physical contact.
